Daughters in laws

We see our children’s in-laws at family gatherings - birthday parties for the grands and the like , and they’re friendly and we get along but we don’t ever see them socially outside of that no .

Op

Also don't fall in the trap of "the grass is greener on the other side"

Money is not everything

You are families 'in-law' and actually that can be a far cry from being friends.

Personally, although I am polite when we do meet at family gatherings, I wouldn't want to be 'friends' with my daughters in-laws and I am not being snobby, they are simply not my cup of tea.

DD’s FiL died soon after DD and SiL met and her MiL died about 4 years ago . They already had retired to Portugal but when we met MiL occasionally it was fine, doubt whether we would have been good friends though . She didn’t want to have any involvement with DGC and loved a very social party life !
DS in law’s became second parents to him as he met DiL when he was was 18 ( now 44) . However they never really wanted to mix with us or anyone else actually .They were a very close private couple . Sadly the much loved MiL died in her 60’s and FiL remains just a distant acquaintance.
I have a very good relationship with both DiL and SiL and they with me I think .
I agree that years ago when one often married a local person, families mixed more or even knew each other before.
My parents met my in-laws once - at the wedding!!

My daughter's in-laws are very wealthy compared to me, in fact they paid for the wedding, which cost a stupid amount of money. I have only met them once since the wedding, that was last Christmas, when we met up at daughter's house to coo over my grandson. I wouldn't expect to meet up with them ever without my daughter and son-in-law being there. I only anticipate seeing them once or twice each year, maybe at Christmas/grandson's birthday party. I'm quite happy with that, as I don't think I have much in common with them, though they are pefectly nice.

Trust your DD's instincts and keep her love, trust, and that of grandchildren if there are any. Time may change matters: we never can know.

This We get on reasonably well with our son in law's family and meet up at family parties etc but we're not friends. They are totally different to us.
exactly, Kate.

I'm afraid our three married offspring have all chosen partners with very different parents to us.
I wouldn't have become a natural "friend" to any of them but we rub along as well as need be. I'm sure they wouldn't choose us as friends either - but we do "get along" fine - and because "getting on fine" is important we don't talk about anything which could become contentious.

They are all "better off" than us and have very different values and lives but that doesn't bother me. Unlike you, I don't "feel very inadequate" and I don’t "compare myself frequently."
As others have said, maybe this is the issue and your daughter is trying to protect you from your own feelings?
If you live close enough I wonder if you do grandchildren's birthdays together?

You say, Tgran that you "are wondering why we aren’t all friends?"
Ask yourself, do you actually want a friendship with them? Is it important to you? I ask as I think my parents and my in-laws met perhaps twice or three times ever. No animosity but not really a lot in common.

Thinking of you.

Tgran

Thank you all for your comments.

I want to make it clear that I get on very well with the in laws, no problem there at all, it’s just the ‘friends’ bit, it has not gone on to that level, and I feel that because of their lifestyle, I don’t fit in with them.

I am very very (eternally) grateful that they treat my daughter as one of their own, it could be so different I know.

I just wanted to see others relationships with in laws.

Aside from the inadequacy, I don’t have an awful lot in common with them, so there lies the lack of opportunity to connect.

And as a PP said I MUST stop comparing!!! It is the thief of joy..

Getting on well with people who treat your daughter nicely is really all that's needed. Connecting may be unnecessary?

Our daughters' parentsIL live at other ends of the country, we never see them, I'm not bothered. One widowed daughter is remarrying, both near 60 - I doubt we'll be "friends" with his elderly parents who live in Ireland. Matters not to us.

Yes, stop comparing! Comparing always makes me grumpy.

Btw, wealth and social status are nothing to do with how you get on with the in-laws.

A lot of water under the bridge now, but for various reasons, I started off on the wrong foot with both sons’ in-laws. Daughter’s ex in-laws and I never had ‘problems’ as such, but I wouldn’t call any of them close friends. Co-incidentally, one of the in-laws has invited me over for curry and chips this coming Saturday.

One set we meet at Christmas and birthdays and we get on well swap books and gifts but dont see otherwise. Next set lead very busy social lives, still work and we only met at the wedding. Nice people but have very little in common and I feel quite useless compared with her.
Third set live abroad, don't speak English and have very different culture and standard of living, only met them once.

Our ES met his wife because we were friends with her parents. Her mum and I had been good friends for several years before they met.

We didn't really see them after they were married because of the on off relationship she had with them; estranged one minute and not estranged the next.

The last time would have been when our eldest GC was Christened aged 4 months.

The two of our DiL’s who have still got parents we are friends with, exchange text/WhatsApp messages and socialise with, they are part of our extended family.

Why do you need to be friends with them? As long as you get on at family events why do you need more of a relationship.

I have SIl.One's mother was lovely but has since the wedding died, the wedding was planned and colour-matched between us and we both made contributions.we keep in contact with her husband.
The other SIL is a lovely well mannered person. We met his parents before and at the wedding and when the first grandchild was born.
No Coordination prior to the wedding DD's mil in Khaki and me in black, cream and white. Photos look like Romil and Montgomery ready to fight for Tobruk. They live at the other end of the country and at first, we kept in contact. We send cards at Christmas.
Nothing to do with money or social hierarchy just distance.

Thank you all for your comments.

I want to make it clear that I get on very well with the in laws, no problem there at all, it’s just the ‘friends’ bit, it has not gone on to that level, and I feel that because of their lifestyle, I don’t fit in with them.

I am very very (eternally) grateful that they treat my daughter as one of their own, it could be so different I know.

I just wanted to see others relationships with in laws.

Aside from the inadequacy, I don’t have an awful lot in common with them, so there lies the lack of opportunity to connect.

And as a PP said I MUST stop comparing!!! It is the thief of joy..

Ex-DIL's parents are now deceased. I liked them very much. She was a cheerful and happy gran to our GC and he was a much-loved grandad. Like me, they didn't live close to the family and we never had - never would have had - any conflict. Another DiL's mum lives much further away and I have met her only a few times. We got on well enough, united in our love for the GC. My latest DiL's mum is lovely and friendly. I met her at the wedding and we fell into conversation easily. She welcomed me into her family gathering at Christmas and I'm looking forward to meeting her again this summer.

Oh, and yes in terms of money, DiL's parents can offer far far more support - and for that, I am just profoundly glad - like money for their house when DiL's gran died...and with the disabled daughter too, into the future - thank god. No envy there: just gratitude.

You don't have to be friends but of course if you want to it would be nice.
We get on reasonably well with our son in law's family and meet up at family parties etc but we're not friends. They are totally different to us.

My DiL is far closer to her parents and they all are closer than DS is to "my side of the family":

but I think that generally not always, DD's remain closer to Mum than DS's.

I wouldn't expect to be close to DiL's parents and sister actually: maybe if they lived close by there would be more natural socialising, but it would take exceptional circs as they live a long way away.

I'm concentrating on getting best relationship possible with DiL as we are very different, and so far, so good. I go up to stay with them for a few days at a time and feel loved and accepted and thats enough for me. Maybe it would be different if one of my DGC wasn't very very disabled and its hard for them to leave home?

We meet in-laws every now and then at family events and are on good terms which is nice.
Support for children comes in many forms - money is only one. Try to focus on your unique way of offering support rather than the money comparison.
In our case the FiL is wealthy and can offer financial support, but he likes my jam better than any he buys in the shops!

If you ever go to family events with them why don't you just say that it would be nice to have a meal with them? It does sound as though your DD doesn't want to encourage socialising but I suspect that might be because she doesn't want you to feel more inadequate than you already feel.. especially if you've told her how you feel.. Do you really think that money is more important than being a nice, kind, interesting person?

I met my DIL's parents at the wedding, and haven't seen them since. My son has arranged a big night out in the Spring - we are going to a gig then staying in a hotel - us, the ILs and the 'children'. I'm looking forward to it, but don't expect that we will all become firm friends afterwards. Who knows though?

We live in different places, so the distance would make it difficult. They are 10 years or so younger than us, and still work, and we don't (on the face of it anyway) have more than the children in common. The connection is that they brought up the woman who makes my son happy, so on that basis I like them.

My parents and my ILs were the same - friendly and relaxed in one another's company, but not 'friends'. They sent Christmas cards, but didn't visit or otherwise socialise - why would they? I suppose in the days when people all stayed in the same street it was different, but these days that's relatively rare, I think.

3 DDs. Two lots of 'outlaws' live abroad but we see everyone as much as is possible. We stay in their houses and they stay with us in the UK. I recognise that we are exceptionally lucky and we all come from pretty similar backgrounds which makes life much easier. We all say that we would be friends anyway if we had not met through our children.

We never met my DiL’s father and only met her mother at DS’s wedding when sadly she was suffering from dementia. She was very sweet but didn’t know what was going on. My DD is not married to her partner but when they set up home together we did invite his parents to dinner and it was a very nice relaxed evening considering that their lifestyle and the social gulf between us was rather wide but they were very good mannered and totally unpretentious. We didn’t see a lot of them thereafter, but when we did, it was always cordial. We always had more of a hand in GS’s upbringing than they did but that was their choice and I couldn’t help feeling sad over the years of all the joy they had missed out on. He is DD’s only child and he never really got to know his paternal grandparents, or to know about some of the remarkable things his grandfather had achieved before he died.