Getting 'told off' by DH anyone else experienced this strange behaviour?

My husbands would never have dared to talk to me that way. I was the one 'in charge' and they knew it.

Borrheid55

When my DH uses the word ‘should’, I answer by using the word Dad! ‘ Should ‘ is a word used by people in ‘critical parent’ mode. The likely response is the rebellious child or compliant child voice. If you were speaking to a toddler, think of the responses that you would get. (NO or yes daddy) . I was a management skills trainer and when I did a session on Transactional Analysis , people realised that bosses who used the critical parent voice came across as aggressive, bullying, pedantic and generally not good news. Lots of delegates commented on how understanding the ‘voice’ that was used, helped a huge amount!
When hearing that voice from our other halfs, it’s no wonder we get irritated.

🤔😳😫

KittyLester
I used to think my father was grumpy because he was married to my mother. ^^

Good for you being happily married , I congratulate you but I am happy being single it works for me.
Good job we are not all the same I say and I have never let a man dictate to me.

Oh yeah!
Men def get grumpier with age.DP is a regular Victor Meldrew and he never used to be.I laugh it off or ignore it.

Is he angry about things? His life?

I simply wouldn’t put up with that behaviour. I would find plenty to do that doesn’t involve him.

NanaDana

All I'll say is that by suggesting he produces a list of things you can and can't do is giving him permission to control your life? Is that what you really want?

Exactly!

All I'll say is that by suggesting he produces a list of things you can and can't do is giving him permission to control your life? Is that what you really want?

I would do as others say and agree, but it would get to me and I would clear off out somewhere for the day or something after telling him I wasn’t a child and find someone else to boss, I don’t take underserved criticism very well. So it wouldn’t end well for me.

P.S.There should be a ? after ‘affair’

Curiousdan - he’s not having an affair - my DH (now Ex) started picking on me for everything - too much salt in the food, his shirts were not washed well enough , I didn’t dress well enough, our children were not dressed well , everything about me was wrong - you’ve guessed it -he was having an affair and finally, we divorced and he married. This was 20+ years ago. I’m not saying your DH is having an affair - (my Ex was much younger than your DH) - mind you I guess you can have affairs at any age . In this case, I think your DH is just grumpy 😂

I would guess you like the bikes more than he does?

Has something else happened that he feels is your fault, but can't for some reason resolve it?

To be honest the "glasses thing" just shows him up as being daft! It's a daft place to keep them anyway but once an accident had happened to continue to do so is ridiculous!

just getting grumpier the older he gets

The incidents you describe don't really sound like grumpiness. More like a patronising and "my way or the high way" attitude towards you. I would not be able to put up with that! Are you maybe being rather too tolerant of his "grumpiness"?

Today I sat on his glasses and the lens fell out. It was my fault because I should know that he always keeps his glasses on the arm of the chair

Reply:
"If you didn't leave them in such a daft place it wouldn't happen. Up to you!"

A few days ago I should have known he was driving a certain route to go to a supermarket and he was angry because I should have said we didn't need to go shopping

Reply:
"Its not my fault that you didn't explain you were going to the supermarket or ask if we needed shopping!"

Just now I knocked his glasses again by coming in through the door and walking too close to the sofa. There's about an 18 inch space to walk into the room but he was 'perplexed' as to why I got so close to the sofa arm

Reply:
"Its up to you where you leave your glasses but dont blame me if something happens to them when you leave them in a daft place. It's an accident waiting to happen"

Once when I was out he rang and told me off for leaving the bedroom door open when DS2's friends were in the house - I'd not been in all day

Reply:
"Dont be ridiculous! And dont ring me about duchbsilly things, I'm busy!"

Okay so these things are trivial on the scale of things but also very annoying

They ARE ridiculous and HE needs to stop it!!

I told him to write a list of things I can and can't do and I will try to abide by it!

Hmm...so he is allowed to issue instructions like this is he!! Who does he think he is. He's your life partner not your life controller!

I also asked if the gardening tools could go in the shed and he said yes but the bikes would have to go to the scrapyard (they are perfectly good bikes)

"Oh dont be ridiculous, they ate perfectly good bikes and we need them. I'm going to....to sort the shed out"

I really do think you need to stop pandering to him. HE is being ridiculous and selfish and YOU deserve more respect!

My OH sometimes isn't keen on things I suggest for the house but I've found that by drip feeding it to him,hinting and pointing things out to him that are similar ,he usually belie.ves the idea was his in the first place .
Having said that if I want to do something I will just do it anyway and he doesn't think my painting is up tp his standard so will immediately take over when he sees me open a can of emulsion .
He's not grumpy though or only in the morning .He, like me has always been a nighthawk Happy to sit up playing music until dawn.Happens a lot now we've retired .

When my DH uses the word ‘should’, I answer by using the word Dad! ‘ Should ‘ is a word used by people in ‘critical parent’ mode. The likely response is the rebellious child or compliant child voice. If you were speaking to a toddler, think of the responses that you would get. (NO or yes daddy) . I was a management skills trainer and when I did a session on Transactional Analysis , people realised that bosses who used the critical parent voice came across as aggressive, bullying, pedantic and generally not good news. Lots of delegates commented on how understanding the ‘voice’ that was used, helped a huge amount!
When hearing that voice from our other halfs, it’s no wonder we get irritated.

I'm so glad I live alone.. irritability could also be a sign of heart problems

My DH isn't retired yet but he is becoming a bit of a Victor Meldrew.

DH also does things like the OP's DH. For example, he will point out trivial things that need doing e.g. plants watering, room could do with hoovering etc.

Nowadays I just say, 'Am I the only person who lives here'.

He also leaves things in random places which means he can never find them again e.g. keys, glasses. He now has a dish in the kitchen where I put all of the random stuff he has left around.

I have noticed that he is becoming more and more untidy as he gets older. He leaves his clothes on the bedroom chair for weeks. I threaten to throw them in the wardrobe if he hasn't moved them by the weekend. I find that he actually does move them when threatened

My dh has improved with age. He has become more tolerant and looks after me really well. However, after 63 years of marriage we are well used to each other and this helps.

Mine’s like this, I totally ignore it. He’s getting horribly like his father too….

Just let me say first I am not corsetclique!!!!

Thanks for all your replies.

Yes DH retired three years ago. Apart from this stupidness he's a good husband - just getting grumpier the older he gets. Last night I gave the ultimatum 'any more of this behaviour and he's on his own'. He's very normal this morning so maybe he gets it now.

Smileless2012

Why don't you tell him that you're not a child and wont be spoken too and treated as if you are Curiousdan? It would have been better to object when he first started this behaviour, but that doesn't mean it's too late to do so now.

Me too kittylester.

If its not a scam, You're being bullied. Its abusive. You can't let this go on. The drop drop drop effect of constantly being picked on is very powerful.

Do you really want to carry on living with someone like this?

Curiousdan and corsetclique seem to be the same person?

Why don't you tell him that you're not a child and wont be spoken too and treated as if you are Curiousdan? It would have been better to object when he first started this behaviour, but that doesn't mean it's too late to do so now.

Me too kittylester.

Next time you walk into the room, Curiousdan , look around at the sofa, and if his glasses are lying on the arm, remove them carefully to the other side of the room, saying gently "They will be safer here". He will have to get up for them when he needs to read anything, but that is his problem, not yours.

Buy a couple of those racks that fix on the shed wall to hold his gardening tools, and suggest he puts them up and keeps his tools out of the way of the bikes.

Be pro-active and get him doing what YOU want, don't wait for him to be "in charge" and nag you for not reading his mind.

Nicegranny

My mother used to say that “men get miserable when they get older”.
I’m so glad I’m divorced and happily living on my own.

My husband isn't like that. And I am glad to be married and living with my lovely husband.

Curiousdan, seems to me that you have 2 options - smile swwtly and agree or tell him to shut up!