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Estrangement from granddaughter

(20 Posts)
cleghorn Thu 13-Apr-23 23:14:16

Our 20 yr old granddaughter left home to live in a student campus in September 2021 & none of the family have seen her or spoken to her since then. She has blocked everyone from her phone, so we cannot even talk to her. For the last 6 months she has been living in a rented house with 3 others.She would not tell the campus her new address, so we do not know where she is - only the town, which is 60 miles away. It is so heartbreaking, especially when there was no fallout, just teenage moods etc.We tried to see her on her birthday 15 months ago, but she just told the reception that she did not want any visitors. It was easier when she was at the campus, as we could phone & ask the staff how she was. We could also send food parcels, letters & cards but none were acknowledged. We fear that we may never see her again. It is her 21st birthday this year & her twin brother's 18th Birthdays next month. Everyone misses her.

cleghorn Thu 13-Apr-23 23:15:14

Any advice would be very welcome please.

BlueBelle Thu 13-Apr-23 23:29:08

What a heartbreaking situation Cleghorn
Having a granddaughter at uni I can totally imagine how heartbreaking this is for you and I don’t know what advice to give apart from never give trying

Hithere Thu 13-Apr-23 23:54:15

In very rare circumstances somebody just drops from the face of the earth for no reason - the teenage moods hold clues here
What are those moods?

She is smart not to leave a forward address when she has unwanted contact with the people she cut off

Things happen for an a reason, not in a vacuum

VioletSky Fri 14-Apr-23 00:04:09

Hey, I remember your thread from before

Your grandchild is transitioning and wants a male name and male pronouns

I think perhaps the problem is that you are searching for a grandaughter and you now have a grandson

Try reaching out to him and maybe things will go better

Hithere Fri 14-Apr-23 00:10:21

Same old post - leave him alone

GagaJo Fri 14-Apr-23 01:37:48

You're still refusing to admit his chosen identity. Until you do this, he will want nothing to do with you.

icanhandthemback Fri 14-Apr-23 02:16:01

If the transitioning is the problem which you can't accept then you will be estranged forever. Maybe you can put your fears about the transitioning to one side, accept his choice and try to rebuild your relationship.

MercuryQueen Fri 14-Apr-23 08:02:26

If I told someone I wanted to be left alone, getting mail, calls, knowing they were checking up on my whereabouts, and then TURNING UP after all that, would have me feeling hunted and stalked.

You’ve been told no. Repeatedly. Respect it.

And if you’re referring to your grandchild’s transitioning as ‘teenage moods’ that’s a massive part of the problem.

BlueBelle Fri 14-Apr-23 08:11:58

Oh I didn’t know there was a back story So cleghorn that seems your answer you haven’t accepted the change from granddaughter to grandson and if this person has given you chances to do so, however hard it is if you want a relationship that’s what you have to do, swallow all that seems different to how you expected it, and tell your grandchild you were very wrong and want to accept their changes and hopefully they will give you another chance unless you ve been very anti and then you may have blown it

Many, many things our children and grandchildren do or don’t do if what we expected from them upsets us, but the wise person swallows their words and makes those changes with them

Good luck

NanaDana Fri 14-Apr-23 08:18:22

I'm afraid that you're going to have to respect your Granddaughter's wish to be left alone. If you insist on keeping trying to contact them, as you appear to be doing, all you will do will to be to drive the wedge deeper in. If, as some have suggested, the root problem is your inability to accept his/her wish for gender transition, then it's no surprise that he/she has chosen to estrange themselves from you. As long as your current attitude continues, don't expect there to be any reconciliation. You are denying them their true sense of identity.

Smileless2012 Fri 14-Apr-23 08:31:59

There's nothing you can do cleghorn as there's no way you and your family can contact her which is what she clearly wants.

Maybe one day she'll reach out so with that in mind, if the decision to transition is at the root of this situation, take this time to think about how you can accept and support her whether she returns as your granddaughter or grandson.

Germanshepherdsmum Fri 14-Apr-23 10:51:44

I remember your post from a few weeks ago. Why post again? You were given advice before, which obviously wasn’t what you wanted to hear as here you are asking for advice again but with less detail. The ‘teenage moods’ were nothing of the sort. Your granddaughter had decided several years ago she wanted to be a boy. She changed her appearance and name accordingly. I assume this wasn’t well received and she therefore took the opportunity to leave the unaccepting family behind when going to uni. Without acceptance and understanding that she is now he, reconciliation is unlikely. You had the opportunity to write to Zac, using that name, and expressing acceptance when you knew where he lived but presumably you continued using the old name which just confirmed your complete lack of acceptance - which is confirmed by this latest post.

VioletSky Fri 14-Apr-23 11:06:07

Your grandchild is the same person, no matter what.

You could be a force for good in your family and if they refuse to accept Zac, a force for good in Zacs life.

People should be free to live as their authentic selves and love who they love.

Theexwife Fri 14-Apr-23 11:48:54

Your grandchild has gone to great lengths to stop you from contacting them, if you carry on they may take out a restraining order. Leave them alone.

Things may change in the future but will not if you persist.

VioletSky Fri 14-Apr-23 12:11:16


Just look at the comments, all but one showing respect and acceptance to your grandchild... it's never too late to do the right thing and have the reconsiliation you so clearly want...

You can do this

Germanshepherdsmum Fri 14-Apr-23 12:16:55

I think she’s missed the boat VS. She could have done it when she knew their address. Now she doesn’t.

Delila Fri 14-Apr-23 12:22:56

Good positive comment VioletSky.

pascal30 Fri 14-Apr-23 13:32:28

You've chosen to leave out the real reason why you are estranged.. why come back on here?

Hithere Fri 14-Apr-23 19:23:13

Missing missing reasons