Husband and DIL don’t get along so we don’t visit our son or grandchildren

Needadvice

Please, I need to know what to do.

Stop speculating about why your DIL does not like your husband

Arrange to see them, just you, sit down and have a conversation about it. Ask them their reasons.

Stay calm, don't make accusations, listen to them and then go away and calmly have a think about it or talk it through with a counsellor or someone you can trust to be impartial.

Next steps depend on what son and DIL say

Needadvice This is such a worrying dilemma for you.

I think you should accept the contact that is being offered. Your husband must make his own decision that is right for him. You are not being "disloyal" by seeing the family without him, you are maintaining what is being offered and giving time for others to decide what they wish to do. You will be there for your family as best you can

I do think it is wise to meet them as a couple and to withdraw if things become difficult. Let your son decide when and if he wishes to discuss anything with you and try to enjoy your grandchildren and sustain your relationship with them so that you are there if they need you.

I agree with those who suggest you take the contact that's offered Needadvice without asking for anymore or discussing her behaviour with your son.

As has been suggested, any meetings which include her would be better if they were in a public place and if both 'sides' were not constrained by a time to leave so if anything happens, you can remove yourselves from the situation.

If your husband doesn't want to be included then go without him. It's not a good set up for either of you, but at least it will enable you to continue with the relationship and hopefully your son will stay in touch with his dad in ways that don't include his wife .

I would treat her with kid gloves,she is mentally unstable and enjoys the drama and being the centre of attention, which is irrational. You an only imagine the life that family have, such behaviour can't be switched on and off. Can't understand the son letting his children go through that though. If your DH happy to stay away and you can have contact do, but tread very, very carefully, on eggshells and don't give an opinion on anything, if in doubt say nought. Personally I would let them get on with it.

Needadvice:

'So what now, other than not getting in touch with the children? Should I try to talk to our son about it? Ask my husband what he wants to do? Just leave it alone?'

I'd say - don't take a problem-solving approach - you won't win. Just accept the situation (however unfair and upsetting). Keep yourself well out of the firing line, even apologise if required. That way, you retain contact with your son and grandchildren.

Think of her as a person who is very ill (but never say it) and the hurt feelings will be easier to cope with. My difficult experience with my mother has helped enormously with coping with my DIL - a similar character.

I can avoid the triggers, I'm extra loving and supportive, placid and understanding, a complete doormat, in fact. In the long run, it's worth it. My son and grandchildren know exactly what she's like, of course. It all stems from an overwhelming insecurity. She's not all bad, as she's a good mother and she loves my son.

If I am ever really stuck in a situation I think of the three moves I could make: 1. Do nothing. 2. Wait to see if things change.3 Go for the attack. You will need to decide what is worth doing. Also, you can go what I call 'beige'. That means you let them make the moves and only make small moves like remembering birthdays and Christmas in small ways and just ask simple questions like 'How are you all?' You can then gauge her response and see if she flies off the handle for that. Also, listen to the types of words she uses. Are they questions? (sign of intelligent gatekeeping) or are they accusatory and negative (what on earth is going on inside her brain?). What are her family like? Has she bee brought up with a destructive model? A lot goes into making a person tick and if you can observe and watch what triggers her, it will take some of the personal affront away and perhaps open up avenues of communication to those you want to communicate with i.e. your son and grandchildren. Good luck!

Hi needadvice it sounds as if your daughter in law has a mental health condition she sounds VERY volatile but they have been married 15 years and have three children and she seems to get on well with your younger son and wife so she can’t be all bad She certainly can’t control herself because to shout and rant in front of her children shows little self control and is down right wrong and is far worse than telling someone they re no longer 18 I see nothing wrong with that I’ve been told that when climbing ladders etc
She obviously has a big problem with your husband, and then with you by default

In your position I would keep a fairly low profile for awhile perhaps try visiting short period without your husband, as he seems to be the red rag for her and try and build the relationship very slowly don’t overdo it with visits and do whatever you are told with the grandchildren. It will seem annoying at first to have to be so careful, but I think this slowly slowly approach might help any future relationships with the children. The 15-year-old will soon be able to make his own mind up as to whether to see you or not.

Please, I need to know what to do.

What? I don’t understand that.

Gaslighting will not work, OP, good try!

The point of my story, Hithere, is to explain that some of our DILs attitude could be influenced by my husbands ex-wife, not only my husbands behavior. Hetty58, I believe my DIL meets many of the criteria for a narcissist. Our son seems to still love us, and one of the children has been calling. So what now, other than not getting in touch with the children? Should I try to talk to our son about it? Ask my husband what he wants to do? Just leave it alone?

This reminds me so much of my mother's behaviour. She had MH issues and was always a drama queen. It's attention-seeking behaviour, related to a complete inability to be in the background, a burning need to be the centre of (your son's and the kids) attention.

Any slight, perceived threat or insult is magnified into a major disaster. She's ill and has limited control her behaviour or impulses.

Another similarity? She behaved well at the party - in public. Perhaps arrange to meet somewhere away from your homes, take a picnic, keep it casual - and set no 'leaving time' so there's the freedom, on both sides, to cut the meet up short if necessary.

So now you try to deflect the blame from you and your dh with this background that has little to do why he behaves like he does?

You all have been so helpful. I feel I need to give you more background. When I met my husband he was divorced with a 1 1/2 year old. The son I refer to. This was in Central America. His son’s biological mother is an American raised in Central America. She had their son, plus another from an earlier marriage. We were all in the same town in Central America. The biological mother was an alcoholic and drug addict. Although she had initiated their divorce, she was jealous of me and angry at my husband. We stayed in that town for years to make sure my husbands son was ok, but moved to the US without him when a civil war started. She would not let us take him. My husband flew back and forth and we had friends checking on him. She sent us bills for his care. Then, a friend called saying we needed to get him as things had gotten worse with his mother. My husband flew down, and got her permission, and brought him back. Since then, we raised him. He was about 4. We have had a happy home. He calls me his mom and I consider him my son. His biological mom used to call drunkenly for money but never to talk to him, she never sent him gifts or anything. Fortunately many years later, his biiological mother overcame her addictions and began seeing our son, DIL and her grandchildren. Our DIY is from the same Central American country, so they have that in common. I do not know what my sons biological mother has said to our DIL about my husband or me. I do know that her visits were at first very hard on my son, who had to have counseling in his teen years over the way he was treated by his biological mother, a young child healing her bruises after hard nights on the streets.. She has told him that she sees his father in him and doesn’t love him as much as she loves her other son. I believe their decision to move near where my sons biological mother has a condo was. influenced by my DIL. So…complex history.

If they haven't got along know many years- the "dramatic reaction" on her part may be justified

Blaming her for her reaction looks bad on your part and excusing your husband's part in this

Have you heard of a thousand papercuts?

She is civil and patient enough to share significant events with you and your dh, despite the issues you have and there is no 1 kind word for her in your posts

No wonder they pushed back from the relationship with you

I think you may have a husband problem

The incident with the food was at my house during Thanksgiving as I was cleaning up. I agree that my husbands comment about my DIL not being 18 could have been hurtful, but the drama! On and on in front of the kids! Yes, she clearly doesn’t like him. The feeling is now mutual.

In the first example, were you requested on not giving any food to the kids?

I would ask the parents first before giving any food to any kid that I am not parenting, allergies or not

The comment about not being 18 - your dh is at fault
It was inappropriate of him to comment on that

Your dil clearly doesn't like your dh and of course she would not want her kids close to him - she seems to be protecting them

You have been living with your dh for many many years and you may have developed a blind eye to his faults, or tolerating what other person thinks is not tolerable

Your dil grew up in a different background - she doesn't see your dh in the same light you see your dh

Your son is very much absent in your comments, except that he doesn't seem to have a good relationship with his father either

that comment by your husband about her not being 18 anymore was a bit risky.
although it didn't mention weight gain, it implied it, along with declining fitness and flexibility.
it's the kind of comment that could be made among good friends, but knowing the tense atmosphere with DIL, it was best avoided.
maybe your husband needs to be more reserved in her company.
it's a difficult situation, but agree with others that you cannot try to have dealing with GC apart from their parents.
that would lead to total alienation, i reckon.

Needadvice

Is it not seem a bit strange to you that a social visit with DIL went really well without your husband there?

Our son only visited once with one grandchild, when my husband was undergoing surgery. Last May I went to a party they had organized for our granddaughter’s 15 birthday. My DIL was civil but not warm, though I helped her and complemented her. My son was loving. The grandchildren were with friends, having fun. My husband could not go as he was recovering from his back operation. She did not attack or make a scene. Our younger son and his wife were there, too, and our DIL was very affectionate to them.

"I’ve read that some grandparents take grandchildren on trips, with their parents permission. Is that an idea?"

Please stop trying to bypass the parents to have access to the kids

In your case, it is a horrible idea

She sound very needy, and wants to be centre of attention in my view.
Your son surly must know, she's a bit "highly strung"? makes me wonder what their relationship is really is like?

Lots of good advise on here, but I can't see professional help, helping she won't turn up to the session!

You must maintain contact with your son, and try and find out carefully what the problem is.
Best of luck.

How is your relationship with your son?

No no no needadvice- I'm sure that won't be allowed. You need to have a better relationship with your son and daughter-in-law I think before they will trust you with their precious children!

Concentrate on the adult relationships and then the relationships with the children will follow.

Good luck.