Husband and DIL don’t get along so we don’t visit our son or grandchildren

I’ve read that some grandparents take grandchildren on trips, with their parents permission. Is that an idea?

He only visited once with one grandchild, when my husband was undergoing surgery.

@LyleLyle Thank you for your comments. To clarify the three examples. In the first two, neither of us had hit the 3 year old, and I had only given the children little pieces of cold noodles. In the third example, my DIL, who had been a ballerina in her teens, referred to having ripped her Achilles tendon last year while doing a ballet maneuver. My husband said that she should probably be more careful as she is no longer 18. There was no reference to her weight.

Try to keep some kind of relationship going with your son, if that is possible.

To me it sounds as if he is influenced by his wife's views and unlikely to listen to you.

Judging by your description your daughter-in-law has serious mental health problems, so I doubt anything you say or do now will change her attitude towards you and your husband.

My DIL did once allege that we had slapped her 13 year old son (from a former relationship). We had not done so, and our son told her that he found it extremely hard to believe that either of us would have done so, so the matter ended there.

Had it not, we would have told them that their son could no longer visit us without both his parents.

Your situation is clearly different, but in your place I would fall in with my husband's wishes and have nothing to do with your son and his family until things change.

Hello Needadvice. Does your son bring the children with him when he comes to visit? If he does you are still able to maintain a relationship with them. If not, then ask him if and when you'll be seeing them again.

I hope that you are seeing the GC. It's a positive that your son continues to visit and I hope you can take some comfort in that as parents can and do lose their AC and GC, because of the AC's partner's behaviour and attitude toward their in laws.

What Hithere said. Your relationship with your grandchild goes through their parents right now. When they are of age, they can decide which independent relationships they have. Circumventing parents of minors is not a luxury even a grandparent possesses.

Additionally OP, you mention little of your son. What you do mention of him holds his wife responsible for his behavior that you deemed unreasonable. That is always a mistake. All of you are adults. Only each individual is responsible for his or her own behavior and words. Doesn’t seem like anyone in your post actually holds themselves accountable. Your DIL, as you describe it, behaves erratically in front of the children when she is upset. Nothing you or your husband say is ever as offensive as the receiving party deems it. (Why would either you be commenting on her weight in any capacity, let alone your husband?) You mentioned vague incidents in which she “attacks” and accuses you, but never the specifics so that an objective opinion can be formed on your behavior. This makes me suspect that you may know you’ve also misstepped with her.

What actionable steps did you all take to help alleviate the tension in your family? Sounds like family counseling would benefit you all greatly. 15 years is a lot of time for such dysfunction. And it’s really hard to believe that only one person is the problem, even with your post. Approach your son about reconciliation through the help of a professional. You and your husband try to remain civil for the sake of maintaining contact with your grandchildren.

There is clear conflict with your son's family - sorry to see that

Answering your question - no, as long as the kids are minors, your contact to them has to go through their parents