Husband and DIL don’t get along so we don’t visit our son or grandchildren

Needadvice, the comment you thought was from me actually came from icanhandthemback

OP
Why do those people care about that?

It is none of their business

I think several people asked why our son does not bring the GCs around. I’m sure he would if circumstances permitted. Our family is split geographically, with one son in the middle of the country and one on the East Coast.

SporeRB Thank you for your post. When his father assumed full time care for his son, his biological mother agreed and his son also asked to live with his father. The situation had become dangerous for his son, who had been left with his brother without his mothers care. She was heavily involved with heavy use of cocaine and alcohol. We saw this directly ourselves. After he came to live with us, she showed no interest in him. Now she is back in his life part time, and hopefully sober. I am glad, especially for my sons children, who have a Nana. We say nothing bad about her to the GC, our son or DIL. If she has influenced our DIL against us, at least I know what we did was right, and we know our son loves us.

Delila, Thank you for your post. Some of the situation you describe, particularly involving the children inappropriately and the impossibility of trying to talk something out when the other person is mistrustful, made sense. I admire your approach. Certainly arguing doesn’t help.

Thank you Delila.

Very good comment icanhandthemback.

My daughter has a personality disorder which sometimes makes her difficult to deal with and will sometimes say inappropriate things in front of young ears. She can't seem to help herself and it is distressing so I understand your angst. My husband found it very difficult to deal with and although he kept his mouth tightly shut, I know my daughter was not unaware of his disapproval mainly because she would hurt my feelings.
I have found it much easier to keep them apart so that I have a relationship with my daughter and her children which I can manage on the terms that work. I have done a lot of reading and realise that her anxiety about things that most of us don't even think about, make her explosive and actually, she hates herself afterwards. Not dismissing her fears but being understanding make it much easier even though inside I am sometimes screaming, "Really?" Sometimes walking away but still being friendly makes the difference too. Trying to resolve something when somebody is on high alert is almost bound to fail. Trying to get somebody to trust your good intentions when they distrust the world doesn't make an easy relationship but escalating it by arguing the toss is also doomed to fail.

I am Extremely uncomfortable with posters labeling/diagnosing (“she sounds like she is”) DIL as mentally ill based on a one sided biased description of her and her actions.

As for what to do? Nothing. You cannot fight your husbands corner and continue a relationship with them.

As your grandchildren are older and reaching out, have that relationship. Continue to see the parents when it works for you. Be pleasant and kind and “grey rock” the actions meant to cause drama

VioletSky

Needadvice

Is it not seem a bit strange to you that a social visit with DIL went really well without your husband there?

This is what I wondered as well , also
That dil seems affectionate and “normal@
To the other son and his wife. Implies to me there’s more going on here - also needs advice. There is no accounting for
Your son. You still
Have contact but he also is choosing not to bring the kids around etc. why do you suppose that is?

Herefornow

but ultimately: you and your husband removed an infant child from the woman who gave birth to him

For the love of God, he was four years old, not exactly an infant!

My husband is an ACOA - adult child of an alcoholic. He told me when he was a child, he felt he was born to suffer and he wished he was never born because of his alcoholic father.

OP and her husband has done the right thing by removing their son from that environment. If they left him with his mother, most likely he would end up in a number of foster homes or care homes. It was better for him to live with his dad instead of complete strangers.

My gut feeling tells me that it is the jealous recovered alcoholic MIL who keep telling lies about her ex husband to DIL.

I do not know what to suggest. The best thing to do is do nothing. Just keep the communication open with your son and focus on your own life.

Do not communicate with your DIL because you cannot reason with a dysfunctional person and if you do, you are only feeding into her drama.

Whatever happens, make sure there is no rift between you and your husband because of the grandchildren.

OP, wasn’t accusing you of hoping against your son’s marriage. I was cautioning against taking advice that would see you doing such a thing. I don’t doubt that you want a positive way forward with your family.

I think your DIL sounds like she has trauma from a previous situation, and this is colouring her approach toward you.

To me the fact that she wants to lay out all this inappropriate stuff in front of the kids is telling. She is afraid of you and your husband. Her mum instincts are screaming at her to keep her kids away from you both, she perceives you as a threat and wants her kids to see the danger too.

These instincts may well be misfiring, overreacting, sure, but ultimately: you and your husband removed an infant child from the woman who gave birth to him. She honestly sounds like she was a horrific mother, and the rational part of your DIL will know this too, but the irrational part still feels freaked out that you would take a kid away from his mother. If she is incredibly insecure, or has past trauma around this type of thing, every time she's near you the alarm bells will be going off.

Any attempt to go around her will make this worse. Honestly I would just tell her sincerely that she's an amazing mum and you love all the things she does for your son and gcs.

Thanks for the clarification. Some in this group have seemed rather harsh. I have appreciated everyone’s comments, however, and feel I have a way forward, for which I am very grateful. Kind regards.

Needadvice

What does op mean?

Original poster, ie you, in this case.

Whats a 'DIY'?

Needadvice

That comment is directed at other comments not at you...

People talk to each other too

If a comment is directly to you people will usually put your name in bold

What does op mean?

Neither my DH nor I are hoping our sons marriage fails. He, our DIL and the children seem happy as far as we can tell. We have not “used manipulation or fakeness” to do what you are suggesting. Why so suspicious? I got on this chat because I miss seeing my GC, my DIL is uncommunicative, and I don’t know what to do. I have received some good, sincere, advice. I haven’t actually DONE anything about it yet, I was just asking.

VioletSky

We have different advice

One involves communicating and finding a way to address and work through issues

One involves allowing OP to speculate behind her son and daughter in laws back and doesn't actually ever address or resolve issues

This is why so many families have problems, they don't listen to problems, they dont take time to understand that even if their perception of events are different, the other person is hurt and then they can never be accountable or apologise for their part in those problems...

Communication is key in many of these situations

If anyone truly believes that children they raised do not know what they are thinking or saying behind the scenes while they use manipulation and fakeness to get what they want out of the relationship (usually access to the grandchildren) then I just don't know what to say

Because without direct communication that speculation will be going both ways and the situation will likely end in estrangement

Agreed

Pythagorus

Don’t try and fix it with her. You will never win.
Continue seeing your son and grandchildren on your turf.
Never, ever, say anything about DIL to anyone, especially your son.
Try not to focus on the problem. Find other things to occupy you.
Then wait it out. Nothing lasts forever.
Children get older and have their own minds. Marriages end.
You’re not the first in this situation and you won’t be the last.
Never ever go for confrontation.

How very crass smh.

OP, please do not take any unhinged advice that would see you lower yourself to being the creepy MIL who wishes for the failure of her son’s marriage so she can have unfettered access to another woman’s children and husband. It’s not a mentally and emotionally healthy approach.

Gently approach your son about wanting a healthier relationship. If he is open to improving relations, suggest a safe space for the two of you to openly discuss how you’d like to maintain contact, without accusatory speech about his wife and defensiveness about your husband. Focus on your relationship with your son. It isn’t your DIL’s fault that your son chooses to rarely visit with the children. You’re getting a lot of advice here focusing on your DIL, but how she interacts with your son and their children is none of yours or anyone else’s business. Shift your attentions to what is your business, which is your son. Like your husband, he is not an innocent male bystander.

Hahaha. Thanks.

Needadvice

Does DH stand for Dear Husband?

Yes.

Does DH stand for Dear Husband?

OurKid1. Sorry for my errors. I meant DIL.