We are both in our late 60s been together for 43 years.
We have 3 children together all left the nest but one of our grandchildren live here because of stepmom problems.
My husband has cheated on me over the years many times but because of the kids I stayed with him.
He was always a good worker /provider although money was a problem being tight in the early yrs.
I worked part time while they were young but I was always accused of having affairs at work which made things difficult between us and stressful especially as it was him blatantly being unfaithful.
In the past say 20 years he earns decent money and progressed in his career and we were comfortable.
We had arguments like any couple sometimes he was abusive bully towards me. When I was around 30 I started being very unwell and was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis I was in and out of hospitals for years it was very debilitating and I ,looking back feel I got little or no support from him I just had to carry on.
I put up with things as they were I didn’t have the energy to sort myself and the kids out so I just had to let things run.
He worked away from home at this time quite a lot so it was quite easy to have his affairs if I mentioned them he would become abusive towards me and basically a nasty controlling man .He was very jealous of me in my younger years and I really dare not even say hello to another man ,of course I would have been having another affair !
Around 15 yrs ago I got seriously ill with sepis had around 5 major operations and ended up with a colostomy , this has had an enormous impact on my life I am now tube fed 12 hrs day or night because I lost so much bowel.During this time I’m sure he did his best to look after me I wasn’t an easy patient .
Obviously the impact this had on my body put a huge strain on our not so good marriage.The private hospital I had been in were negligent and I was left 5 days with sepsis whilst the consultant I was under was in a different part of the country .
I was so angry still am about how I was treat I wanted to claim compensation the consultant had no respect for me and I should have sued him and the private hospital.
, but because my husband had formed what he thought was a ‘good relationship’ with him he wouldn’t help me claim , I certainly wasn’t well enough physically or mentally until a good 5 yrs after the operation went wrong.
I feel he was scared of me having my own money probably as he knew I would leave him .
Last yr we downsized house and moved a street away from his sister after staying there while our house was being built . We had a big row and I left and went to stay at my sisters house whilst ours was finished.She is still not talking to me even though I have tried to be on friendly terms but now she thinks she has a free handyman to do everything and everything for her and her husband her sister her daughter her son , honestly he want do nothing here without a big moan but yet he will do anything for them and leaves me to struggle.
I’m so sick and tired of this life but we won’t have the money to buy a house each and my gra daughter will have to live with me . He claims carers allowance for me yet does no caring certainly not for me .He took early retirement 3 yrs ago and invested the lump sum he got from pension but I never got a say in this either I was told to sign the forms , fortunately it made money but I did consider it risky at the time.
Am I being unreasonable ? He blames my health for this mess we are in and can’t understand why I feel resentful towards him .
Is this my fault ? I feel I’m being gaslighted by the whole family , am I or is my mental health causing me to feel this way ? I’m so unhappy and confused.
Gransnet forums
Relationships
Do I leave him , or just stay and regret
(15 Posts)Why would you stay and regret?
You know what you have to do
He does sound, from what you say coercively abuse and has been for a long time. Hs affairs, (with no apparent remorse) money controlling, gaslighting you to your family, blaming yourather than accepting life is hard at times are classic signs.
I'd ring a solicitor quickly and see what divorce would actually be like for you, to hep you make up your mind, You can do it by Zoom, and the first 30 mins is usually free. to get a good solicitor ring your local domestic abuse helplines as they have lists of sympathetic solicitors.
It is common for victims of coercive abuse to have depression and related MH problems after years. Do you/can you get any access to counselling to help clarify you feelings? and get support?
its not an easy road, typically he may say for example you are insane and inventing things and deny affairs in the past.
In No Blame divorce you don't have to prove blame or abusivenss, btw, just sorting out the money will be difficult. However you may be entitled to more than you think: if you have been ill your inability to earn for yers is relevant, and you should get a share of his pension.
Oh dear what a shame you have spent all your years so unhappily living with a complete arxx I understand you felt you needed to stay for the children (although I took mine with me) or for your health, but you would have managed but that opportunity is past and gone
Have you considered having counselling to help you understand yourself and build your confidence up you badly need it you so badly need it
Ask yourself why you have stayed with this awful man
Do your children know of your life I don’t see how they could not and are they supportive of you, can you and your granddaughter ( poor child in the middle of this how old is she)
Go to one of them while you sort yourself and your life out
Afraid I would be out if there like a flash even if I lived in one room
Get yourself help ring a woman’s aid helpline they will be supportive especially if you have little money …..if you have money find yourself a good solicitor
You have spent 40 years being abused you may have another 20 surely you want and need better
GET HELP ASAP
Why are you even asking? You already know the answer.
O/P mentions he has managed to get her sister "on side" is gaslighted her, is not clear ow much support there is from other family members?
I did at least have my DS/DiL and sis on side, sis especially gave me reality checks i wasn't making it all up.
O/P it was hard but I started to collect evidence from screen shots of whatsapp's sent and I even managed to sound record rants on my mobile, a simple voice record app. Useful to show people if evidence helps:useful to remind yourself you are not making it up!
I agree with BlueBelle about contacting domestic Abuse people for advice. Provision is very patchy terms of counselling, but advice may not just be helpful of things of things posters don't here as well as names of solicitors..
I honestly dont know about resources in terms of places to leave home and go and stay.
There’s so much we don’t know what age is the granddaughter living with you ? Does the father /mother have contact with her ? Is it a legal arrangement that you are bringing her up or just a casual arrangement
Have you ever sought any help or support off anyone throughout all these years?
Do you have money of your own that you could use in the first instance?
Do your children know of the many many years of abuse and do they not want to help you? Have you asked them?
So many unanswered questions
Unless you come back Crocusit’s going to be difficult to go further
Ring Women’s Aid
You have certainly been through the mill crocus12. Personally I don’t know how you have spent so many years living a life of this abuse, I couldn’t! Sorry to hear you have UC that in itself is an awful illness, your husband sounds vile, I would be taking legal advice. I wish you better times ahead, you deserve so much more, 43 years of this sounds just unbearable
Talk to a solicitor asap.
As for his sister bloods thicker than water she’s always going to side by him. I’ve also lived in a similar situation and marriage with everything you said. I now have my own house and I’m divorced and I moved 300 miles away from my ex. Because I was getting so much abuse from him and his family when I left. That was 12yrs ago and it’s the best move I made and I have friends money and I can relax in my house and my lawyer made sure I got what was mine. If you sign up to a council or housing association they will help you move out into a place. Like a good friend said to me you are worth more than this he doesn’t deserve you.
Please get some counselling if you can. I have been with my husband for 27 years & he is a serial cheater as well as a nasty, gaslighting, abusive man. Counselling has given me the courage to see a solicitor & find out my rights. If you are a victim of domestic violence - which doesn't have to be physical - you may well be entitled to legal aid.
One thing I know for sure is that this is a life sentence for you if you don't get out as he will never change. You have a right to a life, I hope you find one.
I am so sorry that you have had such appalling health over the years - you have had so much to contend with.
I agree that you need legal advice here to understand what your options might be and what the implications of those options might be.
I feel for you Crocus12 I can see how you have got bogged down in all this and now can't see a way out.
I think you need to talk to a professional to get things straight in your head and see where you go from here. Take one step at a time don't try to solve everything at once.
You need to take care of your health, this stress must be impacting on your condition.
What is it that has made you stay for all these years?if you were able to talk this over with a counsellor this would quickly become clear. That would make your decision clearer. Why do you do what your husband tells you to? You’re an adult and don’t need anyone telling you what to do. Get some information. Citizens advice bureau? Find out where you would stand financially if you left and find out if you could manage financially. Then work out a plan. If you decide to stay, make sure that’s your decision and on your terms and tha5 you will be happy. Good luck x
What a shame you are and have been in this situation. Only you can decide whether to leave him or not, but it sounds as though you have already made that decision but, understandably, are apprehensive.
I think planning is the key here. As others have said, a counsellor and solicitor would help, but neither is cheap. It might be worth consulting your local Citizens’ Advice Centre before doing anything else. They can point you in the right directions, Before leaving, make sure you have somewhere safe to go. Is your husband likely to make life difficult once you have left? Would you need the support of of a Women’s Refuge? Are there single person’s homes available locally, possibly from council or housing associations?
You say you have three adult children. Are any of them able to give you support, if only moral support?
Good luck to you and I hope you are able to get out of this awful situation very soon.
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