Husbands disability threatening family harmony

It’s completely unfair to voluntell your adult children, who have young families of their own that they are now responsible for sharing the caregiving duties for their father.

I mean, let’s look at basic logistics: how far away do they live? Do both they and their spouses work? What hours? What professions are they in? How old are their children, and how many? How many vehicles do they have, and in what condition? Do both spouses drive?

I’ll use my family as an example. Kids ranging from teens to single digits at home. I work from home. Husband out the door for work not long after dawn. Husband is in bed before the kids. I don’t drive, no public transport.

Where would we have time to fit in extra caregiving’s duties? During the week, my husband sees the kids a few hours a day. Weekends are grocery shopping, errand running, and cramming in as much time as we can with the kids, plus the teens wanting rides to friends and activities.

And our schedule really isn’t much different from other families we know. We’re not out having ‘hobby time’ as a previous poster suggested. Our big luxury on the weekend is taking turns for a nap!

I get why OP’s son yelled. The idea that someone was loading more onto his plate, without his knowledge or consent? I’d probably yell too.

This is a standard thing for Social Workers to suggest even though they know the strain that the caring puts on adult children. However, they can tick a box and say that they have 'helped'. When you look at how much work there is for them to set up a care package for people who don't want strangers in, you can see why.

It is not your children's responsibility to care for their father and it is unreasonable for your husband to decide he doesn't like carers and it is up to his family to care for him. Would he say that he didn't want Nurses and Doctors to look after him in hospital? No, because he has no choice. I am afraid to say that if he has the choice to say no now, he will continue to take advantage of your good nature to your detriment.

If he were my husband, I would be sitting him down and telling him in no uncertain terms that I can't cope with all his care but I would do what I could. Maybe have a conversation about what things your husband really doesn't feel happy about, agree to do what you can and reassure him about what you can't do. On that basis you need to hire in help in order to protect your own wellbeing. Be kind, be firm and don't give in.

The thought of strangers taking care of your needs is worse that the actual experience once you get used to it.

Make piece with your son, your children are not responsible for looking after their father.

I agree with Far North. Make peace with your son as well as you are able to do so. The situation is dire and you need all the moral support you can get. Probably so does your son.

MerylStreep

Hithere

Or ask for another SW and report this one

What’s the point. The SW is only following instructions from above.

Social workers and the care system are under such pressure that if a family says yes, they can cope, the social worker will be relieved.

However, if the patient needing care is the one to refuse it, then those expected to do the caring must speak up and say No, we cannot manage.

Please dont try to talk your children into caring for their father ,I cared for my late mum for over 12 years ,I had a 5 year old and a stroppy teenager when I started ,a home to run a business to run and a husband who was an absolute star about it all.My mum wouldn't eat anything that I hadn't cooked ,so even when she spent 7 weeks in hospital we had to go a 40 mile round trip daily with my son who was frightened in lifts so t meant walking up 7 floors .
Mum wanted her family to look after her but she didn't actually LIKE it and would be quite distraught when my sister or I had to clean her after a "toilet "accident ,her dignity was lost in ways that wouldn't have happened with a stranger .
I dont regret caring for her I did my best and was with her when she took her last breath BUT I would never ask or expect my children to do it .
I'm lucky ,healthy .fit and easy going ...so I could cope I also had great support from my OH .If the inlaw in your childrens lives aren't happy about it it could ruin their lives .Dont take that risk .
I wish you and your husband well with family who visit and make you laugh not who have to see you in ways no child should have to

Hithere

Or ask for another SW and report this one

What’s the point. The SW is only following instructions from above.

Husbands disability threatening family harmony

It sounds as if the 'family harmony' was already under strain, going by a few posters here who know OP's backstory.
So I'm not surprised there was anger from the AC when OP asked them to take on caring responsibilities.

Notjustaprettyface I agree with most here and urge you to get the carers organised and make your husband understand that he needs them now, as his family simply can't do everything needed.

You aren't speaking to your son and don't want to see him.
It sounds like the request for help could have been a last straw for him after years of a difficult relationship with your husband (his dad?) and, therefore, with you.
Apologise to your son and tell him you realise the request was unreasonable.

Now that she has fallen out with her son, he might not even consent to be there, but as she seems not to be very good at getting her husband to agree to her wishes, it could be useful to have the backing of the family when she presses him to accept a care package that he initially refused. Not everyone has the assertiveness to argue alone against a resistant spouse.

Good posts, Elegran

I'm sure that, if a care package is set up, it will help but you're right, the brunt of the caring will still fall on the OP. Whilst the family might be happy and willing to give some help, perhaps shop occasionally, sit with father to give mother a break sometimes, offer lifts, adult children with jobs and young families cannot be expected to be full-time carers or even on a rota.

I've done it for weeks at a time, sharing the care and it is exhausting, especially trying to juggle the needs of different generations.

We don't have children so that they will be our carers one day.

If social services can get any inkling that there is family support they will use it to opt out . There is a major shortage of carer services in the UK . They aren’t paid enough , get inadequate training and often a different one comes every day . My dad needed carers at home and in the end after a number of different inadequate carers we found a private one who charged only slightly more than the social services charged . All carer services are means tested after a 6 week package so we we were paying anyway and not happy with the service .The private carer was wonderful and after dad died ( in hospital unfortunately) she moved on gently to care for my mum for a number of years until she died at home . We managed to find another private carer to cover for holidays .My brother ,sister and I did quite a lot too however ,I retired a little early and my family had grown up and left home , but our children never actually “cared” for them and I wouldn’t have dreamed of asking . They visited, made cups of tea and did entertain them . OP I hope you are claiming attendance allowance ( not means tested) and all other benefits. Our private carer became good friends to the family and offered the support and continuity that we all need during difficult times . We were probably lucky in finding her by recommendation,

I would consider it very unfair to ask the children to be present to support her - that’s guilt tripping par excellence. They have their own lives to lead. We have had ours.

The Social Services were set up to help in just these circumstances. They are hard pushed for money and staff, but if they offer a care package, it is because it has been assessed that it is needed.

She needs to speak firmly and openly to her husband and tell him exactly how near the end of her tether she is, and how the proposed care package would give her time and energy to be the wife he married, not his nurse and cleaning lady.

Perhaps she could ask her family to be present and support her while she does this. It would show them the stress she is under, as well as him. It would also show him just how much - or how little - support they are able or willing to give. When it is clear what will be needed, she could get back to the SS and tell them that her husband will accept their help.

It could take resolve and will power to sort this out so that it is fair to all, but not doing so is a recipe for disaster.

Hithere

The title is incorrect - it is not the disability, it is the unreasonable demands that are disturbing the family harmony

The unreasonable demands of father. The roots of this family disharmony are in his refusal to accept the help of an organisation of professionals, who would have been set up to come to the house regularly and do SOME of the care that he needs. Telling mother to metaphorically kneel and abjectly apologise for needing help in a difficult situation is rubbing salt into her wounds. Have a bit of empathy.

Believe me, whatever the carers do in their short stints in the house, she is still the one responsible for him taking his medications, for his day-to-day comfort, laundry, and nutrition, his mental stimulation and emotional and social support, and will be providing all the extra housekeeping, night nursing, cooking, cleaning and shopping, and whatever other burdens are there to be carried when there is an invalid in the house. I have done it, willingly, for a relatively short time for a terminally ill husband who didn't want to die in a hospice. The OP's situation sounds more long-term, and even more debilitating for her, as well as her husband.

His insistence that his exhausted wife can cope with it all - including coping with him when he is being stubborn - shows that he has no idea how she feels. It sounds to me as though her son is equally insensitive to his mother's side of this story. If he had been, he would have ranted at his father for not accepting a solution, or at the Social Services for pushing his mother beyond her capabilities. We are not in the Victorian era, when wives and children were expected to sacrifice their own lives to wait hand and foot on a tetchy head of the family.

Why should you apologise to your children for bothering them? This is what is called 'Family'. Your son was immature to shout at you. He was probably afraid that you may want to take up some of their spare hobby time. What would your children have done if you had not been there to act as the go-between? They would have had to deal with your husband directly. Sounds to me like a situation where everyone needs to sit down and discuss in a calm and mature way what the best path forwards is. What happened to family values? I would have torn a strip off my son if he had shouted at me. After all, he was happy enough to enjoy the life you gave him as a child and teenager. Why should you take all the flack from what sounds to be a lot of 'me' people? Stand up and be part of the solution but not the brunt bearer. Good luck!

It's easier said than done to, 'just get carers in' round here. There just aren't the people to provide all that's needed. In the ward that I visit there are always three or four elderly people who are fit and well but 'waiting for a care package'. Some have had good packages before but the staff are reallocated when the person has to be admitted to hospital. More recently these patients are being offered six weeks free of charge in local care homes. They're often wary of that because what happens when the six weeks are up and carers still can't be found?
No easy answers.

No no no don’t ask the children to help you’ll ruin their lives both physically and mentally. My dad became disabled at 56 I was 26 with two young children. I’m an only one so although mum didn’t ask me outright to help she assumed I would.
Without my knowledge mum put my name down as my dads carer so they could claim direct payments as they didn’t wanted anyone else coming in. I hated it, I didn’t do anymore for him but was constantly on call day and night for the next 34 years, until he sadly passed away.
Now mum is very frail aged 92. She has had many hospital stays. The social workers always ask how much I can help and the answer is, at age 66 not much as up until recently I’ve been working and caring for DGC too. She has carers four times a day, and hates it. I visit twice a week do her shopping appointment’s and admin.
Get your children together and tell them you don’t know what you were thinking, you’ll be fine and you’ll accept outside help. Let them get on with their lives. Good luck.

Or ask for another SW and report this one

Sago

Get a care package.
You cannot expect your children to take on the care.

Exactly this.

Very unfair of the social worker to try that trick on you. Refuse!

Lets be serious

SW has heard a thousand times that the patient doesnt want outside help, he/she prefers family

He/she got the easy way out and avoided doing his/her job - putting all the possibilities that would address OP's dh's needs on the table, not his wants

I think the social workers second statement "so we all have families" was completely out of order, but in the circumstances you describe, not unusual to see if the family would help out.

The SW was there to discuss arranging social care, after all, and it was only upon your DH's refusal he suggested contacting the family.

Often its the other way round, the SW tries first to get family involved, then if its not going to happen, discuss a care package!

An option is to re-contact family and say "I'm sorry to have asked, I can see its not on, but will you help me talk to SW - and more importantly - help me talk to DH, to help insist DH does not have a choice".

This depends however on how good your AC's relationship is with DH - if he has alienated them in the past, it may be the trigger that made them respond so unkindly. He doesn't bother with the grandchildren, for example.

He sounds a difficult man to stand up to, but you must.

I agree with everyone who says the SW was out of order and that a care package needs to be arranged and your husband will just have to accept it if he can't manage and it is the only alternative.
Myself and sister cared for our mother, it was tough! I would never ever want to be a burden to my children, they are my children, not my carers

Oh dear, your son needs an apology and an explanation (and a hug) because although he was right to be angry he was wrong to be angry with you.
I've been there, guilt tripped into doing all the care myself and when I rebelled told to get the family to chip in. Its not on these days, care packages are in place for just this situation and if your husband doesn't like strangers well tough - he just has to get used to them.
This happened to my family, but Dad did get over himself although it took a good 12 difficult months!

Op

This is more than the demands of care

1. You do not get along very well with your daughter- for years now
2. Your husband is 17 years older than you
3. He doesn't pay attention to his grandchildren at all
4. You are on anti-depressants and your gp recommended you to take a vacation alone and get some distance from him

I wonder what kind of person he is and how pleasant it is to be around him

The social worker should not have said that to you. Hopefully you can make up with your son. I'm sure your children may help a bit but with young families it is not fair to expect them to take on a lot of caring. Could you arrange the SW to come and speak to you with one or both of your children present? I'm afraid you need to be very firm to get help from social services and you should be supported in that by a family member. You need to be saying no we can't manage firmly and not give in.