Problem DiL

it would depend on the distance though, someone coming from the other side of the world is unlikely to think a week or even two is sufficient to justify the expense and long flight/s.

If someone has a short flight or drive then of course, the stay would be shorter. I quite understand OP and hope things work out for them all.

Love the idea of getting a hotel or AirBnB for part or all of the trip. I’m not a fan of anyone of any age invading others’ homes for weeks at a time without all parties 100% comfortable lol. It’s not polite. I love all of my children, grandchildren and my DILs/SIL. I don’t want them staying with me for weeks at a time. A week or so will suffice for any wanted guest

lyleLyle

Also, her drinking is not your business. Your son will deal with his wife in the manner they both see fit. You seem like you meddle and that’s not a strong quality to have if you desire better relations. Also, please keep in mind that she may be increasing her drinking to cope with your presence. Try seeing things from other people’s perspective. It’s not just about what you want here. No one wants to spend weeks on end with a critical mother in law in their home. It’s never a desirable situation. Learn to be a proper guest, hold your tongue, and accept the gracious two week visit.

Agreed.

I'm not at all in favor of the older generation invading homes of younger people. Perhaps a hotel? Hotels have been invented.

They’re both dead now, but if either of my mothers-in-law had ever come to stay for six weeks, I’d have been drinking gin all day every day too.

Also, her drinking is not your business. Your son will deal with his wife in the manner they both see fit. You seem like you meddle and that’s not a strong quality to have if you desire better relations. Also, please keep in mind that she may be increasing her drinking to cope with your presence. Try seeing things from other people’s perspective. It’s not just about what you want here. No one wants to spend weeks on end with a critical mother in law in their home. It’s never a desirable situation. Learn to be a proper guest, hold your tongue, and accept the gracious two week visit.

The amount of time you spend in someone else’s home is not yours to decide. The fact that you don’t know this tells me your DIL is likely justified in desire to have you in her space less.

Go for the two weeks and be glad they still want you to visit.

I understand your concern if your DIL was drinking to excess, but frankly if I had been her, I would not be inviting you back!

What she does in her own home is not your business, is it?

And no-one will stop drinking because her mother-in-law mentions it, so please think hard about how you will react if she drinks during your next visit.

In my childhood my maternal grandmother spend the eight weeks of her school holiday, she was a teacher, visiting us, as we lived in Scotland and she lived in Denmark. Then we didn't see her again until next year.

Three times in the 14 years of my childhood (she died when I was 14) we went to her for the fortnight of my father's annual summer holiday. And twice for truly memorable visits she came at Christmas for ten days.

That was in the 1960s, and I sincerely doubt anyone would pay such long visits now. I would not want a visitor staying here for three weeks, or longer, however much I liked the person.

IMO two weeks is too long to stay with others, or to have ANY visitors to stay, unless for a special reason. (Such as helping out with a new baby or due to illness.) Just saying.

When my DH and I were doing up our house my in-laws came for a visit. The kitchen and dining room were finished so we weren't using the wrecked bit. I'm talking an afternoon here. We made a high tea - quiches etc. As they left FIL said we'll come again when it's finished. They didn't say anything about the house or the meal. Their GD (my BIL's daughter not mine) told them that if they continued to criticize her she would not see them again. They were of the generation that thought that they were owed deference without actually doing anything to deserve it.

I think for most families 2 weeks is too long and to criticize is beyond the pale.

Living in France we have several friends who visit us. We're always pleased to see them. They helpful, complimentary and pleasant company. No problem and often do little jobs, such a bit gardening. We have a lovely time but by the time they go it's quite a relief to be on our own again. And they only stay for about 5 days. Less if they're en route to their holiday homes.

Finally children do pick up on these things. I was aware that my own GM was not keen on my mother and the size of the family (4 children in 7 years) but she never said anything out right and I had a lovely relationship with her. She introduced to many things that i still enjoy doing.

My grandmother only lived a short tram ride away when I was small but I was taken to see her once a month for a few hours. That was all my parents would allow and she had to be content with that. When I grew older and more independent I used to make my own way there. I often sneaked off when my parents thought I was playing with friends or doing school sports.

Alas a grandparent has no rights in law to see their grandchild so its pot luck and you have to take what the parents are willing to give. Harsh but true.

I think you are very fortunate to be able to visit so often and for so long!

I have just booked to go to NZ next year for just under a month to visit my DS, DDiL and 11yr old DGS.
I have not been for 11 years.
They have been here a few times between.
My NZ cousins will be staying with me for a week soon. They try to come every 2 years to stay with their son and family who live here in Scotland but they don't stay more than a week at a time with them and use the rest of their stay to visit old friends, like me.
.
Like you, they have a difficult relationship with their DiL.
But count yourself lucky. You are!

If this post is serious

1. Where does your son stand here?
Again, dil is the bad guy and son is not mentioned at all
2. You are INVITED to visit them for 2 weeks in 2 very significant dates of the year.
Do you even appreciate that?
3. Assuming their home is yours to stay as you wish is what the kind of material monsters in law are made of
4. Why not stay in your own accommodations? That will give everybody breathing room
5. What are you going to do when gd is a teenager and she doesn't want to spend time with you?
6. Your dislike for your dil, your hostess, comes loud and clear
I bet she also feels it in person.
Her drinking habits are none of your business, it is up to her and son to address when she is ready

Apologize to them, say thank you very much for their hospitality and look forward to seeing them soon

Dil is a saint for still invite you at her home

I don't know how you manage to stay with them for so long.. If I was in your situation I would rent an Air bnb somewhere close and stay for longer once a year, using money saved from the extra flight and I would explore the area and make it an interesting holiday.. less pressure all round..

A widowed friend has just returned from a 6 week holiday in Australia visiting son snd dil. She had a lovely time but its good to bear in mind it helps to give host family some time and space.

Two weeks is an awfully long time to be on top of people unless you all really get on well.

I'd go stay for the two weeks and while you are there look around for nearby accommodation and have a think about whether that would work out.

My DiL is really really close to her mum but even then visits are limited: we get on Ok, providing not on top of each other.

What you desire is not on offer. Two weeks sounds sufficient.

I suppose anything less than two weeks doesn’t do justice to the distance and cost of flights so do understand why you want to stay longer. but if you are staying in their home two weeks is long enough for most to have a guest.
If there is a chance of breaking up your visit with a trip elsewhere, that might help.
Someone I knew used to visit her son in the US but always arranged a trip for herself midway through the visit to give them all a break and she found her trips interesting and an opportunity to see more of the country.

Although I got on well generally with my in-laws the mere thought of any of them staying in my home for more than a week would have me reaching for the booze too.

Also your granddaughter is now reaching the age where she should be wanting more independence and may not want granny around for such a long time twice a year. Don't put all the blame on your Daaughter in law.

wildswan16 - I hadn't thought about it like that. A month is a 12th of a year... or 14 hours a week! It's more days than many people have holiday.

Do your son or daughter-in-law stay home from work when you visit? Who is there with you in the daytime (or maybe you are alone)?

Two weeks is plenty if you are staying in their home. If you are going twice a year that is a whole month of 24 hr days. That is much more than many of us are happy with when seeing GC in the UK let alone overseas.

Your relationship with your DIL sounds very awkward and I can understand that she is probably dreading your visit. You will need to tread very carefully not to damage the relationship further.

Your granddaughter is also coming up to an age when she will have lots of her own activities to pursue - things change and your expectations may need to change as well.

My MiL used to come for 3 weeks twice a year. My DH could go off to work each day so I had to entertain her. I used to dread her coming. She was always difficult and demanding.
Two weeks is long enough.

Three weeks is a very long time to accommodate a visitor. So, frankly, is two weeks. I can’t begin to imagine the six week stay! You’ve doubtless heard the saying about visitors and fish going off. I agree, go for two weeks and stay nearby. That will lessen the work and the stress, which won’t have helped your daughter in law if she has a drink problem (which is not for you to comment on, as I think you now realise).

I also think two weeks twice a year is more than enough! When you say you will lump it. Makes me feel that you would like to stay longer. But surely it’s up to your son and dil to say how long they would like you to stay they are the ones inviting you. As much as i love my family having the stay longer than two weeks twice a year would be too much and we get on great

Go for 2 weeks and stay in a cottage/flat/hôtel for 1 or 2 weeks, and go just the once a year. Surely in the grand scale of things, that will only be a minor extra expense.

Two weeks is a good, long stay and that’s twice a year! I think that’s more than enough Gosh I loved my mum in law but couldn’t imagine have her stay for two/ three weeks at a time
When I used to visit my son in NZ I d stay 3 weeks but that was once every four or five years not twice a year
I think you are getting a very fair deal don’t rock the boat