Bitter Resentment

I dont think this has anything to do with the first wife. Simply you have fallen out of love with your husband. Not easy starting over with little money. Maybe sell the house - split the difference and rent a flat to try and regain your peace of mind?

Maybe he was generous with the divorce settlement because he felt at fault or still had feelings for her.

If you loved him this would not still be an issue for you. The problem I see is not the money but that you do not want to be with him anymore.

Dwelling on past grievances will just make you bitter, accept how you feel about him and split up if necessary.

You met him 8 years after his divorce, that’s way in the past and has nothing to do with your present situation.

Don’t resent his ex.

If you don’t love him, sell up and leave him.

for me love has gone and only bitterness remains

Firstly, if you don't love him and want "out" you are still able to get out. This is about your future.

You say I long for a life without him. Well get on with it. You can start again. You will have to have a discussion with him eventually if there is no future in the relationship but his generosity to his first wife is nothing to do with your present situation. See a solicitor and take back some control.

Bitterness only hurts you. I don't think it's reasonable to be so involved with what his ex wife has done or is doing now. Put her aside.

Working till 67 is normal now by the way.

Good luck.

What sort of a husband is he? Is he caring, supportive, does jobs around the house, takes you out and on holiday, compliments you etc? Or, is he very self involved, still has emotional ties to his earlier life? Was it her fault the marriage failed or his? Other people involved at the time? All this is worth considering to see where you feelings arise and whether there is another trigger. When the basics are in place i.e. security, companionship, care, shared interests, his former life should not be at the forefront but if you are aching to go do your own things, perhaps your feelings are telling you something. They always tell us not to ignore our gut feelings. Is the first wife flaunting her new life etc? Good luck at whatever decision you arrive at and remember that you are entitled to be happy whatever the journey ahead.

Why do you keep tabs on the first wife after all this time.. it sounds as though her moving to the coast is difficult for you.. if you really don't want to continue the relationship with your husband you need to discuss that with him...

So you chose to ignore the red flags from the beginning and remain married to your dh for many years

Now, you find yourself in a situation where you made many bad unwise decisions to compensate for an agreement you had in input at all

Your dh and you are in this position on your own, the ex has nothing to do with it

You had no input

The problem is not his first wife

The problem is that he lied to you about his finances and that has led to you becoming jealous that his first wife got the metaphorical pot of gold while you are still struggling to obtain financial stability.

There is no doubt him lying to you was wrong but it's also wrong to base a partnership on what you think it will gain you financially...

So I think you need to reevaluate whether you love the man, not the ideal financial set up. If you love the man. Get some sort of counselling together so you can work towards a better future

Violet, the OP says
he lied and deceived me about his finances by implying he owned his own car and home etc - not that he genuinely lied and deceived.

This was when they first met don't forget. It may be a fault of omission or not wanting to "tell all" right at the beginning.

Oh, yes I see what you mean!

OP learn to be happy with what you have...

This is now a loveless marriage on your part. I cannot see that his ex wife has done anything wrong. It happened 8 years before you met him.
Whatever you decide to do, please stop the bitterness, I was bitter once for a very short time, it is all consuming and it will make you unhappy and ill. I was lucky I learnt that very quickly.
Leave him if you cannot get over these feelings, you owe it to him and yourself.

Bitterness generally turns inward, its important to move on. The expression, "When life gives you lemons make lemonade", is a goodie.
Take control, all the energy your expending on looking back needs to be put in reverse...look to the future and grab it with both hands.
Good luck

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond and especially the lovely person who sent me a personal message.
On reflection life has thrown a few unwelcome lemons at me lately and temporarily I was angry with everything and everyone.
However, I am much better this week and again thank you all for your honest comments......xx

It happens Oasthouse glad you are feeling better

Some people make unwise decisions - then it's always somebody else's fault (in their eyes) and never their own. Anyone else will do - even an ex wife!

Glad you're feeling better, OP. In your shoes I might invest in some legal advice on my position if I decided to separate or divorce. Presumably you'll be in a position to show that most of the money that's gone into the house was yours and I'd hope that would be taken into account if you decided to separate.