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Bitter Resentment

(18 Posts)
Oasthouse Sat 20-May-23 09:50:43

When my DH divorced his first wife and gave her a mortgage free property, a car and a VERY generous financial settlement until their only child reached the age of 18. This woman has never or hardly had to work. Eight years after his divorce I met him, initially he lied and deceived me about his finances by implying he owned his own car and home etc which all turned out to be untrue, indeed he still owed her a huge amount of money from their agreed divorce settlement (or so he said) Being a forgiving person I let things go as my own life was fairly awful at that time. I put all the money from my divorce into buying a property with him and five years ago as we still had a big mortgage I added all my private pension package which was again a substantive amount of money to try and reduce our mortgage. We only live in a small two bedroom house which is nothing grand. I have now reached 42 years of full time employment and feel trapped and incredibly angry and bitter towards him. His first wife has just sold the property he gave her for a small fortune and is retiring to the coast and I am faced with carrying on working until I am 67. To be fair he does work too but for me love has gone and only bitterness remains. I long for a life without him as I feel like a second wife who is second best.

Poppyred Sat 20-May-23 10:35:47

I dont think this has anything to do with the first wife. Simply you have fallen out of love with your husband. Not easy starting over with little money. Maybe sell the house - split the difference and rent a flat to try and regain your peace of mind?

Theexwife Sat 20-May-23 10:40:41

Maybe he was generous with the divorce settlement because he felt at fault or still had feelings for her.

If you loved him this would not still be an issue for you. The problem I see is not the money but that you do not want to be with him anymore.

Dwelling on past grievances will just make you bitter, accept how you feel about him and split up if necessary.

Oopsadaisy1 Sat 20-May-23 10:54:01

You met him 8 years after his divorce, that’s way in the past and has nothing to do with your present situation.

Don’t resent his ex.

If you don’t love him, sell up and leave him.

NotSpaghetti Sat 20-May-23 11:28:15

for me love has gone and only bitterness remains

Firstly, if you don't love him and want "out" you are still able to get out. This is about your future.

You say I long for a life without him. Well get on with it. You can start again. You will have to have a discussion with him eventually if there is no future in the relationship but his generosity to his first wife is nothing to do with your present situation. See a solicitor and take back some control.

Bitterness only hurts you. I don't think it's reasonable to be so involved with what his ex wife has done or is doing now. Put her aside.

Working till 67 is normal now by the way.

Good luck.

LRavenscroft Sat 20-May-23 11:39:58

What sort of a husband is he? Is he caring, supportive, does jobs around the house, takes you out and on holiday, compliments you etc? Or, is he very self involved, still has emotional ties to his earlier life? Was it her fault the marriage failed or his? Other people involved at the time? All this is worth considering to see where you feelings arise and whether there is another trigger. When the basics are in place i.e. security, companionship, care, shared interests, his former life should not be at the forefront but if you are aching to go do your own things, perhaps your feelings are telling you something. They always tell us not to ignore our gut feelings. Is the first wife flaunting her new life etc? Good luck at whatever decision you arrive at and remember that you are entitled to be happy whatever the journey ahead.

pascal30 Sat 20-May-23 16:23:24

Why do you keep tabs on the first wife after all this time.. it sounds as though her moving to the coast is difficult for you.. if you really don't want to continue the relationship with your husband you need to discuss that with him...

Hithere Sat 20-May-23 16:30:04

So you chose to ignore the red flags from the beginning and remain married to your dh for many years

Now, you find yourself in a situation where you made many bad unwise decisions to compensate for an agreement you had in input at all

Your dh and you are in this position on your own, the ex has nothing to do with it

Hithere Sat 20-May-23 16:30:34

You had no input

VioletSky Sat 20-May-23 16:31:34

The problem is not his first wife

The problem is that he lied to you about his finances and that has led to you becoming jealous that his first wife got the metaphorical pot of gold while you are still struggling to obtain financial stability.

There is no doubt him lying to you was wrong but it's also wrong to base a partnership on what you think it will gain you financially...

So I think you need to reevaluate whether you love the man, not the ideal financial set up. If you love the man. Get some sort of counselling together so you can work towards a better future

NotSpaghetti Sat 20-May-23 17:49:49

Violet, the OP says
he lied and deceived me about his finances by implying he owned his own car and home etc - not that he genuinely lied and deceived.

This was when they first met don't forget. It may be a fault of omission or not wanting to "tell all" right at the beginning.

VioletSky Sat 20-May-23 18:03:21

Oh, yes I see what you mean!

OP learn to be happy with what you have...

rafichagran Sat 20-May-23 18:14:55

This is now a loveless marriage on your part. I cannot see that his ex wife has done anything wrong. It happened 8 years before you met him.
Whatever you decide to do, please stop the bitterness, I was bitter once for a very short time, it is all consuming and it will make you unhappy and ill. I was lucky I learnt that very quickly.
Leave him if you cannot get over these feelings, you owe it to him and yourself.

Dorrain Wed 24-May-23 09:00:05

Bitterness generally turns inward, its important to move on. The expression, "When life gives you lemons make lemonade", is a goodie.
Take control, all the energy your expending on looking back needs to be put in reverse...look to the future and grab it with both hands.
Good luck

Oasthouse Wed 24-May-23 12:16:12

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond and especially the lovely person who sent me a personal message.
On reflection life has thrown a few unwelcome lemons at me lately and temporarily I was angry with everything and everyone.
However, I am much better this week and again thank you all for your honest comments......xx

VioletSky Wed 24-May-23 13:16:57

It happens Oasthouse glad you are feeling better

Hetty58 Wed 24-May-23 15:15:21

Some people make unwise decisions - then it's always somebody else's fault (in their eyes) and never their own. Anyone else will do - even an ex wife!

MargotLedbetter Sun 28-May-23 17:23:51

Glad you're feeling better, OP. In your shoes I might invest in some legal advice on my position if I decided to separate or divorce. Presumably you'll be in a position to show that most of the money that's gone into the house was yours and I'd hope that would be taken into account if you decided to separate.