I have a mobility problem and my husband's angry all the time

I wonder if there was someone in his childhood who had a big health problem - a wild guess! but if that happened he may have felt neglected while attention went to someone else. Whatever happened when he was a child, this does sound really hard for you and I guess it will be very hard to have a good conversation with him about it - so please consider getting help, maybe from Relate or some couples therapist - a sensible insightful uninvolved third person might help break you out of this painful place. If your husband sees it as a chance for him to be heard, as well as you, maybe he'd agree to this. Really worth a try before you consider ending the marriage.

Maybe you could see a relationship counsellor? There might be things going on your husbands head you have no idea of.ma third party could take the head out is a difficult conversation

First of all - a hug - this must be horrible - you have lost your pleasure in walking too! I'm guessing he's very little experience of pain and disability, so hasn't developed empathy. That might have to change. Read about possible causes of spurs. If you can do anything with self help - diet, supplements, exercises - get right on it. Operation to remove possible? Ain't Gransnet great. Here's a start for info, but agree with other posters too. www.verywellhealth.com/bone-spur-on-big-toe-5104764#:~:text=Causes%20of%20Bone%20Spurs%20in%20Feet&text=Bone%20spurs%20typically%20develop%20when,bone%20in%20the%20damaged%20area.

Is he never ill? If he is, does he expect you to be sympathetic?

Definitely push to be referred to a specialist. I was told at 60 by my GP that my ankle pain was just arthritis so to manage the pain. I love walking and playing badminton and it was impacting on my life considerably. After speaking to a more sympathetic doctor at my practice who suggested a steroid injection that didn’t touch it and a course of physio that I just couldn’t do, my physio asked why I’d not had an X-ray and I said it was because the doctor said it would only show arthritis. Within the week she’d referred me for an X-ray that showed stage 4 arthritis. 5 years later I have just had a total ankle replacement which I hope is going to give me more mobility and no pain. I’m so annoyed with my original GP as this delayed everything by 5 years
Hopefully there is surgery that might help you

pinkjj27

I feel for you so much, a couple of summers ago I got Plantar fasciitis in both feet, it happened so suddenly in a Zuma class. One heel developed into a supr. I was in agony I remember my granddaughter helping me along on a hot day and I was in tears. I felt so low, I felt like I had gone from being an active happy go lucky person to an old helpless old lady overnight.
I was also told not much they could do and I needed to manage it. I joined a support group on Facebook, I got anti anti-inflammatories from the doctor. I also found Boots freeze spray helped as well. I gave up Zumba, running and
walking but the Facebook group all suggested exercising and stretching the foot as much as possible. It was also suggested to taking up other forms of excises for a while that excerised the legs and took pressure of the bone. I got a bike and took up swimming. After a while I walked as much as I could too witch supporitive shoes. ( i was in agony at first ). I was not overweight but I lost weight as advised. That was two years ago and while I do still get attacks they not so bad and dont last as long, I do not live in pain day and night and live a healthy active life.
As for your husband I do not really know the answer. I am a widow but I know my husband would have supported me and helped me, but that doesn’t help you. Can you get him to join a support group so he could gain a bit of insight/ empathy? Can you research it together, maybe if he could see an outcome or a prognosis it might help him to process it.
I could sit here and say he is uncaring pig, leave him, but only you know if this is typical. If it is, then you deserve more respect and maybe you should consider other options long term . If it’s not typical and he is a good husband to you than maybe he just feels sad, and feels like he is losing his active wife that shared things with him, if this is the case including him might help .
Don’t give up hope I know there is more than can do than they first say. Try the freeze spary good luck.

Sorry about typos, I have just had eye Surgery and have one eye covered in a patch, so I am a bit more useless than normal on a keyborad.

I feel for you so much, a couple of summers ago I got Plantar fasciitis in both feet, it happened so suddenly in a Zuma class. One heel developed into a supr. I was in agony I remember my granddaughter helping me along on a hot day and I was in tears. I felt so low, I felt like I had gone from being an active happy go lucky person to an old helpless old lady overnight.
I was also told not much they could do and I needed to manage it. I joined a support group on Facebook, I got anti anti-inflammatories from the doctor. I also found Boots freeze spray helped as well. I gave up Zumba, running and
walking but the Facebook group all suggested exercising and stretching the foot as much as possible. It was also suggested to taking up other forms of excises for a while that excerised the legs and took pressure of the bone. I got a bike and took up swimming. After a while I walked as much as I could too witch supporitive shoes. ( i was in agony at first ). I was not overweight but I lost weight as advised. That was two years ago and while I do still get attacks they not so bad and dont last as long, I do not live in pain day and night and live a healthy active life.
As for your husband I do not really know the answer. I am a widow but I know my husband would have supported me and helped me, but that doesn’t help you. Can you get him to join a support group so he could gain a bit of insight/ empathy? Can you research it together, maybe if he could see an outcome or a prognosis it might help him to process it.
I could sit here and say he is uncaring pig, leave him, but only you know if this is typical. If it is, then you deserve more respect and maybe you should consider other options long term . If it’s not typical and he is a good husband to you than maybe he just feels sad, and feels like he is losing his active wife that shared things with him, if this is the case including him might help .
Don’t give up hope I know there is more than can do than they first say. Try the freeze spary good luck.

Reading about how emotionally frail he is in the midst of your ailment, you can almost read the writing on the wall as to how he would be acting if he had the disability instead of you.

That statement does not address your present situation, tho… that was a thought bubble of mine.

I’d definitely seek out a second or third opinion by bringing him along on the consultation.

If you can find a Female Dr who answers your questions and helps in pursuing treatment (not just 2 yr physio!) it might be a more beneficial outcome for you.

Your husband has to walk the walk with you.
Good luck 🍀
USA Gundy

I am so sorry to hear of your dilemma, I truly am. I am one of the lucky ones, my Disibility has come to the situation of my purchasing a power wheelchair, my husband of 66 years is now chief cook and bottle washer. He doesn’t complain and regularly tells me he loves me. I am SO lucky and thank God for all my blessings. I hope things improve for you, that your partner will understand your feelings and accept your situation.

Your husband is being incredibly selfish imo and needs a good kick up the backside!
On a calmer note I would say try to talk to him and point out that however bad he feels about your disability and the limits it's put on future plans, you feel a thousand times worse about not being mobile and on top of that you're also in considerable pain. Maybe you can then arrange to see a specialist together to find out if there is a solution even if you might have to go privately and pay for treatment.

I do see both sides of the coin here. My friend took her mum in to live with her when she was fit and able to get about. Her health is now declining with mobility issues and my friend who’s 62 is resentful about how her life is being held back and put on hold.She doesn’t want to be a carer, also said she doesn’t want to sit about house all day vegetating she wants to enjoy her retirement it’s very awkward situation for all involved.

As far as I know, but I am no medical practioner, bone spurs can be removed surgically, so ask for a referral to an ortheopedic surgeon.

Next, or rather first, sit you partner down and tell him that you too are cross that all your lovely plans for your retirement have gone down the drain due to what may unfortunately prove to be a permanent disability.

Point out as clearly as possible that his disappointment taking the form of anger with you is not making the situation any better. And frankly his remark along the lines of "what use are you?" is unforgivable and that any repetition of that kind of behaviour will lead to you either leaving him, or at the very least to your demanding you both attend counselling.

You are being as kind and unselfish as you can by encouraging him to go out and take part in his hobbies, even although you no longer can either share them or do very much else than sit dealing with pain.

You need to know that he sympathises with you and is willing to help you, as judging by what your doctors say, this condition will continue for the rest of your life. You have basically been told to grin and bear it, and he will basically have to do the same, if he still loves you, that is.

I hope and trust you won't have to just grin and bear it - my aunt had a bone spur sucessfully removed at around your age and never had any trouble with it afterwards, so I hope you can too.

Whether your partner will pull up his socks and stop behaving like a sulky child, I don't know, but my guess is that he won't unless you make it painfully clear to him that you are not going to put up with his bad behaviour - you have enough making you unhappy right now.

The more I see and hear of men, the more I prefer dogs

That's abusive behaviour.

Your husband doesn’t sound very emotionally intelligent. I hope you have other family and friends to support you. Don’t try to force your recovery, it will take as long as it takes. He’s showing you what he’s like so believe him and put your efforts into your self. Don’t waste time trying to change his stance . Even if you heal he’s shown he’s not reliable where your health is concerned.

Divorce the selfish sod

What about contacting your MP and explaining the revolving door you seem to be stuck in. Explain how is effecting your every waking moment. What have you got to lose? I have engaged with our MP several times over the years and it always resulted in a change for the better. Also, as others suggest, change GP. Please keep us posted with your progress and good luck.

I'm not an expert, but my DH and another relative both developed bony spurs when doing jobs where they were on their feet a lot. In both cases a few weeks rest along with physio cured it so it is possible to get better.

He's just made a huge show of washing my car for me and has basically said that if I'm not capable of doing some light work in the garden or cleaning my own car, then what use am I?

Reasons have been given to explain his attitude, and I'm sure they're probably accurate. But that comment is unforgiveable.

I'd be asking him how he'd expect you to react if, God forbid, he ever became bed-ridden. Going by his 'logic' he'd be no bloody use at all. Would he accept you stomping around the house in an ill-temper - I bet he wouldn't.

Take the medical advice given by those on here who are familiar with your bone-spurs problem, and hopefully you'll start to feel a bit more hopeful about the condition and what might be possible for you.

But at some point - maybe when you're feeling more optimistic about things - I'd definitely be challenging him on his appalling attitude. Does he want a partner or a housekeeper? Perhaps he could employ someone to help around the house and garden, and leave you to focus on doing whatever is possible to alleviate your medical problem.

If you have a condition that seems from the outside to be small it's extremely frustrating and difficult to navigate as a partner or close friend/relative.

It makes no sense. It is really hard to keep in sympathy with your (invisibly) suffering loved-one.
This is particularly the case if you don't understand the mechanics of their problems and the things that might/might not be possible medically.

My truly lovely husband does sometimes get frustrated with me (as I do occasionally feel rather sorry for myself). I know he's frustrated as we have been together for many years and I recognise it in his intonation. He would never speak harshly to me but I know how hard it can be as I was in his position for many years when he was at his worst with ME.

It's a little bit like a bereavement to be honest. You have ideas and plans and they are suddenly gone - for an indeterminate period, maybe forever - hopes and dreams just pulled away.

I think if you can face the problems side-by-side, discuss your fears and hopes together, things will improve. Go together to medical appointments and as M0nica says, seek counselling together if still unresolved.

My second husband had a similar attitude on the few occasions I was unwell - during our 21 year marriage. Normally, he was a lovely, easy going, caring and cheerful chap. He just couldn't cope with illness - at all.

I remember having a severe episode of gastric flu, when I was, mainly, confined to the bedroom and bathroom for several days. He was either out - or angry and stomping around the house. He reluctantly brought me water, that was all. Luckily, that was before the kids arrived and a good friend came to help me.

Another time, when we had two small boys to care for, I had one hell of a temperature and was hallucinating, shivering etc. - as painkillers weren't enough. He looked after the boys, with much complaining, and I was unceremoniously dumped in a tepid bath to cool me down - and told to pull myself together.

That's just a few examples and yes, we did have that talk. He agreed that his behaviour was absolutely awful. His only explanation was that my being ill made him feel really insecure, frightened - and angry. He 'just couldn't help it' apparently.

When he became ill he was awful again - yet I supported and cared for him, the best I could, until he died. If it had been me, he'd have run for the hills (I know it) and somebody else would have helped me.

(Yes, I put up with it - because most of the time, he was lovely.)

This may sound cliched. But why not have some counselling to talk this issue through with, so to speak, a referee to help you through.

As for your GP, change him. How old is he?

Sending big hugs to you..it's such a shame and quite shocking that he should take this attitude, especially asking what use you are because you can't do things.
He may well have been shocked and disappointed by the news, but there's no need for nastiness and not supporting you.
Over the past 8 years hubby and I have had each had a major health problem, one very recent. It's had quite an impact on our lives, but we've supported one another unconditionally, and it's brought us even closer together, if that were possible.
I think being equally as 'honest' with him, about his lack of support is probably needed and a reassurance that he can still go off and do his thing!
I really hope things improve between you.

You can see a consultant privately without a GP letter but to get a referral for an NHS appointment with a consultant you will need a letter from your GP.

In our area we need a GP letter to get a referral to a Private Consultant, after that it’s a fairly quick appointment, contrary to what another poster says they do not always operate.
You can Google the Consultants to see what experience they have. You will probably have to have up to date X-rays again though and this will add to your costs.
We have 2 close family members going through Private Healthcare at the moment, it’s efficient, you will not be able to queue jump the NHS system , but you will get answers and they will speak to you about surgery and the pros and cons.
As I’ve said on another thread the NHS are brilliant at emergency situations, but getting past your GP and into the NHS can be a problem.