I have a mobility problem and my husband's angry all the time

I meant to say, that here in Glasgow have a designated NHS physio, so I always have continuity, apart from the time he was starnded on a stag do in Amsterdam, when his flight was cancelled!.

It may not be the end of your retirement plans, although it may seem at the moment that it does.

There are some positive posts on here, which should give you some hope.

Why don't you have a word with your physio and explain this. Sometimes it needs a different eye to look at a problem.

Thank you, but I have. I never seem to see the same person twice and so each time I've told the person I see that the exercises aren't helping and are in fact make the pain worse. It doesn't help that one NHS physio gave me the wrong exercises (exercises for plantar fasciitis) by mistake, which made everything worse. I'm now on the third lot of exercises which I'm pretty sure are aggravating the situation rather than making it better.

Cornergran, thank you very much for your detailed suggestions. It's good to have it confirmed that I'm not going bonkers and that the protocol for this sort of thing can stretch on for ages with ineffective physio before a referral to a specialist is permitted. I'll follow through on your suggestions. How on earth do people who have literacy issues, or don't use computers, ever get what they need? I'm fortunate to have some savings and will get private help, but my heart goes out to those who don't have that option.

I'll take my husband to the private consultation. I think as others have said, he's grieving for his retirement plans. It's been a shock to see how he deals with these kind of situations.

You could try going to a private GP to discuss possibilities of referrals . They would know what surgeons/ specialists are available and can refer you.

Excellent post from Cornergran.

I was receiving physio for a problem with the tendons my hip, The exercises were excruitating, so I stopped doing them. By chance, I saw the head physio and explained that they were not helping.
She looked at my regime and agreed that they were not right for me and changed my programme.
Why don't you have a word with your physio and explain this. Sometimes it needs a different eye to look at a problem.

Lots of helpful advice here, you have to be proactive. As many have said, there may be a solution.

If you take your husband out of the picture, how would you manage where you live? I ask because for the last couple of years I have struggled, constant visits to the hospital and no help from my family whatsoever. Despite the pain and limited mobility I have scrapped by, the garden got left apart from lawns being cut. I’m as good as it gets now and know I have to find somewhere more suitable to live or pay for help, almost impossible in lockdown,. The hurt I feel knowing I’m not cared about is worse than my health, but it is what it is and can’t make people care if they don’t. That’s the first thing you have to face, he’s shown you what to expect if you’re incapacitated, so do you stay with him knowing that? I had a good marriage and we were true partners, if we hadn’t been I would have split up but I couldn't have been with someone who didn’t care., but there’s loads of people that do rather than rock the boat or change their living standards.
The second thing is getting as good as you can with this current problem, you can insist upon a referral, either NHS or privately, privately they will almost certainly suggest an operation that’s how they make money. .The physio may well work it’s taken two years for me to use my should again, you have to keep exercising and follow advice all those jobs I couldn't do just got bigger and I’m tackling them gradually, knowing as I get older I’ve got to future proof myself as much as I can,
Sorry to be so practical and I do hope you feel better soon.

I would see a different GP in your existing practice or change practice.

I'd have a look here at orthopaedic surgeons and ask for a referral to someone specific.
I think I would tell my GP that this is impacting my live in extremely serious ways, that the pain is terrible, it's affecting home life and you cannot go on like this for 2 more years (or whatever).
I think they will refer if you are truthful about the pain and stress.

www.topdoctors.co.uk/doctor/

It may be that it can't be treated - I always look on the Mayo Clinic website (USA) to see what they say about options and I don't think surgery is always possible.

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bone-spurs/symptoms-causes/syc-20370212

You really need to have 'the conversation' with this man. What is going to happen if either of you needs serious care in later life? I would have spelt it out to him by now in capital letters as to what he should be doing in response or else. Ask yourself what you need and want for your future? Are their children on the scene too? If so, have 'the conversation' with them too. My mother took a lot of abuse from my father and when she died I he started on me. I asked him who the hell he thought he was and if he did not change his behaviour at 94 I would walk away. There wasn't a peep out of him after that as he knew he only had me to get him through the day. Be strong and good luck!

Family experience recently indicates consultants do offer a private appointment without a GP referral. In one case writing to a GP requesting prescription for recommended medication in another advising surgery. Neither person had been referred by a GP.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. To answer your question about breaking out of the NHS system - in my experience it’s hard as there are rigid protocols for referrals which can differ by area. Finally meeting a surgeon for a knee replacement I was told I should have been there four years previously. Indeed, the NHS system took its time via an exercise and physio programme. I discovered there is an MSK (muscular skeletal service) locally where staff are gatekeepers for intervention for all things linked to bones. A new to me GP referred me to them which secured a rapid referral for both knee surgery and also specialist intervention for debilitating spinal issues.

Several things occur. Is there a different GP in your practice you can see? Ask the physio for help, tell them the exercises are making pain worse. A physio can seek advice from a more senior colleague or recommend onward referral.

There will be a CCG (clinical commissioning group) or ICS (integrated care system) for your area. Google should find it. When you locate it look to see if there is a commissioning policy for foot issues. This may help with understanding the NHS process and why the GP is insistent on physio.

Nothing excuses the age comment. I refuse to see a GP who 10 years ago when I was 64 commented that ‘at your age’ you must expect these things. Certainly not! Mr C is 80 and about to have major surgery, age has never been a factor in referral or treatment. Find out if there is an MSK you could be referred to, if so it’s worth asking for referral.

The private consultation you anticipate with a surgeon should clarify surgical treatment options. Personally I’d hope for a surgeon who was more readily available but understand your wish for personal recommendation.

I am sorry your partner is finding it so hard to adapt to your new reality. It must be making the whole situation so much more difficult for you. I’d support the suggestion you attend consultations together, definitely with the private appointment, hearing a professional acknowledge the reality of your pain may well help acceptance. Good luck, don’t give up, there will be an answer and support out there.

To see a Consultant privately you will probably need a referral letter from your GP but I don’t think they can refuse you that. If possible see if you can arrange to have the X-ray or results of your X-ray sent as well to the Consultant. From then on you need have no more dealings with your GP as if the Consultant decides you can have an operations or operations they will make all the arrangements and write to your GP telling them what is going to be done.

Can’t comment on your partners behaviour but a good friend had a successful operation on what sounds like exactly the same condition.

HappyLife

I had heel spurs on both heels and had them both removed. My GP didn't have a clue about what treatment was available and insisted that it was tendonitis. I insisted upon x-rays and they confirmed heel spurs. No amount of physio would have dealt with them. Your GP is talking rubbish about having to accept your situation. Please don't endure the pain.

Interesting. It's clear from my X-rays what's happening, yet still physio is the route I'm supposed to go down. I currently have no 'lift' at all in one heel and the physio exercises have made it worse and more painful. I do have nightmares that the physio is doing more harm than good. But how do you break out of the NHS system?

NotSpaghetti

Did he come with you to see your consultant?
I think you should definitely take him next time and encourage him to put his questions and concerns directly to the specialist.
I would hope that having a proper conversation with a consultant would be a good thing to do for both of you.
I'm not sure a GP will necessarily have all the required knowledge?

I may be wrong of course - they may know all there is to know.

I've not been allowed near a consultant! According to my GP the protocol is that I have to complete a course of physio that might last up to two years and if that doesn't sort it I may be referred to a consultant. I had to fight really hard to get X-rays that confirmed what was going on. My GP referred me for X-rays but the hospital radiography department decided that it was probably a tendon/ soft tissue problem and so carrying out an X-ray would be fruitless. My GP didn't know what to make of the situation: suggested I attend a podiatry outpatient clinic — with a six-week wait. In desperation I went to a private physiotherapist. He diagnosed my bone abnormality, said he thought it was likely to be bone spurs and I had the X-rays done privately.

You can see the bone spurs very clearly. One is sticking into my Achilles tendon. I showed my X-rays to my GP and was referred to the physio department at my local hospital. I have an NHS physio appointment every 4-6 weeks, but they just check I'm doing the exercises and I'm in and out in 10 minutes.

I've put out feelers for a private consultation but finding the right person has been difficult. Currently waiting to speak to an orthopaedic surgeon recommended by a personal contact, but he's been away for most of the last month. I'm fortunate enough to have needed very little input from the NHS over the years and so I struggle to make sense of how it all works. I'm beginning to realise that I'll either need to go private or push really hard and be a PITA to make things happen. I'm trying to keep faith with the NHS but it's been difficult.

I had heel spurs on both heels and had them both removed. My GP didn't have a clue about what treatment was available and insisted that it was tendonitis. I insisted upon x-rays and they confirmed heel spurs. No amount of physio would have dealt with them. Your GP is talking rubbish about having to accept your situation. Please don't endure the pain.

I'm so sorry

There is no excuse for him treating you this way at all.

It sounds to me like he sees himself as the main character in his own life and you as a supporting role

If he is struggling to accept this he should be seeking support to deal with it, not putting you through this

For your sake I hope you are able to get help in the future. You've lost so much more than he has, so please get some support for how this will impact your mental health as well as your physical health

You could still do the holidays etc that you had planned people in wheelchairs can have wonderful holidays if you can’t walk find another way dont give in and if he doesn’t pull his socks up acting like a spoilt brat do it on your own and show him If someone with one leg can walk miles and someone in a wheelchair with no legs can ‘run’ a marathon I m sure you can find a way round it Show your spirit and don’t give in to this hurdle

Oh my gosh - there are worse things than bone spurs that you could have had. What would he have done then - I dread to think. 😡

He’s in shock and is also revealing a very selfish attitude. Very upsetting for you and disappointing.
How about booking a pub lunch and using the opportunity to tell him how disappointed and upset you feel at his attitude ( lunch venue in public should prevent “anger outburst or storming off”?)
As others have said- take him to your next medical appt /& research what can be done to help you be more active now.

Research holidays and activities you can enjoy and do together - a river cruise ? Or an organised tour which you can dip in and out of singly or together.
Remember we’re each responsible for our own happiness- tell him this, & also that he must be kind to you!!

Ask him what might happen if it were the other way around - what would he expect you to do in that situation?

Good point. For all he knows, it could be his turn next week with something or another.
Which wouldnt help you. But he doesnt know for sure where his health and life is heading either. Or when.

Poor you 💐your DH sounds like a spoilt brat not getting the attention he thinks he deserves because you are poorly. As advised here try and find out what can be done about the painful foot situation you are in.
In the meantime if DH asks about some thing that’s needs doing. Tell him in no uncertain terms to get on with it himself. Just make sure you are sitting down with your feet up maybe a glass of wine in your hand when you do tell him. He sounds like a self righteous person and that’s me putting it mildly!

NotSpaghetti

Did he come with you to see your consultant?
I think you should definitely take him next time and encourage him to put his questions and concerns directly to the specialist.
I would hope that having a proper conversation with a consultant would be a good thing to do for both of you.
I'm not sure a GP will necessarily have all the required knowledge?

I may be wrong of course - they may know all there is to know.

Jointly we go to important medical appointments: knee surgery, back surgery, etc. Perhaps taking him along might help?

We do pay for private if we don't receive what we want, quickly enough, or without explanations (clue: explanations to you were rubbish).

My husband golfs several times a week, plays tennis - I've dropped most everything apart from walking, skiing, and riding. Maybe make sure he feels free to go on alone to golf (aka: paint drying).

Our retirement was well and truly scuppered by my late OH getting Parkinsons. There is absolutely no way I would have spoken to him in this way. I think your OH is out of order. He may not be happy about the situation, but I imagine you are not exactly ecstatic! Ask him what might happen if it were the other way around - what would he expect you to do in that situation?

That's a pity your partner isn't as supportive as you would wish. I suspect this has been a huge shock for him and he is worried about you and resenting the impact your ill health is having on your life together. Often people, who are fit and healthy just don't get how difficult things can be. Initially my DH found it hard to see his once fit wife very unwell, had to take on all the things I did previously and ferry me to and from medical appointments, but he just got on with it and never complained. His whole life changed in the blink of an eye.

I have severe health problems, compromised mobility and constant pain and had to retire on ill health at fifty nine. This means that we can no longer travel abroad and fulfil all the dreams we had for retirement.

It is a huge disappointment and I have grieved for what I have lost, for I know my health will continue to deteriorate, but it is not the end of the world. I was angry thatt this happened, before I could do all the things I had planned. A hard lesson, not to waste time procrastinating.

Despite my compromised mobility and often not being able to do much physically, we find alternative things to do.
I love working in the garden, so do much of it sitting down, while DH does the heavier tasks, we have short breaks, not too far from home and hospitals and my DH golfs twice a week, so that he can have some time to himself.
There is always a compromise, I find and we have learned to adjust our life.

You have to sit down with your partner and discuss, what you have posted here or you will just become more upset. Marriage is a partnership.
I do hope there will eventually be a solution for you and things improve.

I’m afraid not everyone can cope with illness or disability, regardless of vows. It’s sad but true.