I have a mobility problem and my husband's angry all the time

I was thinking about this thread earlier today. I have been married 46 years and my OH is hard working, very laid back, easy going, good provider, can fix anything etc etc but I feel he doesn’t have a caring bone in his body!

Luckily I am very healthy but on odd occasions when I have been unwell he is hopeless. The best I can expect is a glass of water and some paracetamol and that’s if I ask!!

Last year My back suddenly went into spasm and I was in agony. I was bedridden for nearly a week but still got up every lunchtime and evening to make our meals. It was that or starve. I did have to wake him in the night a few times to help me to the loo as I was in great pain.

This morning we were going out and I had pain in my groin like something was trapped, I felt it slightly yesterday but said nothing. So I took some pills and off we went. My leg kept giving way and I said I could not go any further as it was too painful. He doesn’t think to take my arm or hand, just carries on walking with me limping along.

He is often unwell and has several health issues and I collect his prescriptions, make appointments, remind him to take pills, tell him to rest and am generally sympathetic but he never is.

Lord knows what would happen if I ever became disabled.😢

applogies fot the typos

Hi
You could ask about "shockwave" therapy - it certainly helped my heel spurs for a while. I had one course of treatment on the NHS and one privately for about £150. For your sake asw I know how painful it is

but then if something else went wrong...

I have a debilitating medical problem and the initial NHS waiting time was 13 months (then 15 and now 19 months). I self referred to a consultant in a private hospital, no need for a GP referral. If I hadn't gone private I would be in a wheelchair by now. In my case, he prescribed medication to my GP and they issued the prescription.
Maybe your partner would be happy to pay for your private treatment to get you back on your feet.

So sorry you are suffering these painful spurs and your partner needs to step up and support you through this , how who he expect you to cope if it was him in your situation ? please get a second opinion if you can from an orthopaedic surgeon, gp’s are not the best people to do a proper diagnosis you need a consultation with someone who knows the options available to you . Alas my gp wouldn’t refer me for a foot consultation as he didn’t think anything could be done for my arthritic toes just learn to live with it!!
I then asked my consultant rheumatologist at my check up if I could be referred as I could barely walk with the pain in my twisted toes. I have both rheumatoid and osteo arthritis which is very painful and debilitating . I thankfully had an excellent consultation with a consultant specialist in foot and ankle surgery.. 4 months later I had the first operation on my left foot, overnight stay in hospital as I was done late in the day , oh my goodness , from the initial tenderness there truthfully was no pain , big toe pinned and plated , 2nd toe ligaments straightened, 4 week’s wearing a support boot and then into comfortable “ flatties “… 2nd operation was a year later , this time it was right big toe and 2nd toe done as before plus 3rd and 4th toes on left foot straightened and pinned . Both feet had the heel walk boots plaster for 5 weeks and once they were removed it was into soft shoes for two weeks… Although I can’t wear anything higher than an inch because toes don’t bend I am totally pain free .. please for your own health and well-being get a second opinion even if it means paying to get an initial consultation..
MrNick has been a wonderful hubby for 57 years and does most of the housework and cooking, I’ve never asked him too but he just gets on with it .. as a poster commented earlier “in sickness and in health “ it works both ways !

Two things occur to me. One, your husband may be neurodiverse and lack the ability to understand how other people are feeling. This might also explain why he finds it difficult to change his plans or view of what retirement will be like. I think the idea to talk to him in a calm setting might help. He obviously sets great store on his own fitness and may have a mindset that everyone should follow his approach and be in control. I think men have a difficult time leaving the world of work and being less scheduled. I think you need to focus on your health and wellbeing, maybe finding new interests and activities you can do.Hope things improve.

The usual range of replies expected on here - including 'abuse', 'divorce' etc. - all quite amusing. If someone can't cope - it doesn't mean that they don't care. In fact, if they didn't care, there wouldn't be much of a reaction at all.

We might promise 'in sickness and in health', but let's face it, when we do - we really haven't a clue what it means. I'd find it infuriating if a partner just gave up at the first hurdle - instead of trying everything to remedy a problem. Surely, bone spurs can be fixed?

I feel your pain and know where you are coming from. three yrs ago I would cycle 20 miles or more, more than one day a week, walk 5 or more miles when walking the dog, hill climbing, gorge walking, you name it.
Then my asthma flared up, and I struggle some days to walk to my downstairs bathroom about 12 feet away from my chair in the living room.
Lost my job, lost my independence and spiralled last year into depression. Now I have mentally accepted this is maybe as good as it gets I feel less angry now with myself for having this illness and losing my job.
Sounds like your husband is taking it out on you for being ill. Agree with others a conversation might help, but that can be easier said than done if he wont listen.
I think you need to find a way to help your own mental health before he degrades you that much that you believe all the horrible things he is saying and doing.
I found a local club and go and do a calming craft session once a week, park the car 20 ft from the door and off I go, really makes a difference getting out and talking to people that aren't putting you down.
If he has a problem with doing everything can you hire a cleaner once a week to give the house a going over? Or a gardener? Things like buying pre-chopped veg so you can throw a meal in the slow cooker every morning easily so you are not standing at the cooker but you are still eating well. Always feel foot pain is the worst because you have o use your feet, if you have a sore arm you can use the other one.
Would you and/or he consider a wheelchair? either a manual one he can push you in or a wee battery-operated one you can go for a walk with him in?
Could he join a local walking group so he has people to go out with?

I had spurs under both of my heels, a friend recommended a foot clinic which I went to and after treatment and manipulations of my feet the problems was cured and solved, have to admit it took a long time but no longer have any problems. I am 75.

I'm wondering how long you have had the debilitating heel spurs. Is it recently and he hasn't adjusted yet to not being able to do things together? Otherwise, he sounds like a jerk. As others have said, your GP is terrible and I hope you find a better one. How did your husband treat his parents if they had the opportunity to grow old? I'd be tempted to tell him I won't be bathing him or changing his diapers when he eventually needs that.

I had a bad marriage and it certainly didn’t help that my asthma got in the way of the rock climbing and long walks that he enjoyed and I struggled with - no inhalers in those days.I asked him once what had he wanted in a wife since he was obviously not happy with me and he replied “good health”. Unfortunately I went on to collect one rare autoimmune condition after another. He left for a healthier option 13 happy for me years ago.
*MargotLedbetter” I would suggest that your husband is unlikely to change unless he becomes impaired himself. I was angry the day mine left but the following morning experienced a wonderful feeling of peace which has stayed with me.
Have you thought of asking for a second opinion about your heel spurs?

Not read all responses so perhaps been suggested but have you considered buying a mobility scooter to help with your difficulty walking? With arthritis in both knees and a foot I wouldn't be without my scooter. I have one that can be used for travelling on holiday/visiting family by folding it and placing in the boot of the car. They are now more reasonably priced and lighter to lift in and out of a car boot. And a second more sturdier scooter for local shopping (you would not believe what shopping can be used to go on the handles) but it also allows me to go a bit further afield to visit family/clubs that are within the town where I live.

Sorry that your husband is being so awful and making nasty comments but others have given you lots of encouragement and some very sound advice.

My late husband had a number of health issues - his COPD in particular got noticeably worse due to lockdown and resulting loss of fitness that he was never well enough to regain. In the last few months before his unexpected death, he got out of breath just walking to the bathroom so I had to do literally everything - if we went out, rarely, it would have to be taxis as he could't make it to the bus stop. I never uttered a single word of complaint - for better for worse, in sickness and in health - I took those vows very seriously and would never have blamed my husband for something he could not help. I would do anything to have him back, ill health included.

It is definitely worth seeing if there is anything that can be done about your feet though - especially if you can afford to go private. Your doctor sounds really unhelpful, maybe try and see another one and get a different opinion? Your partner sounds selfish, unfortunately.

I can’t believe how hard your husband is being, does he think you enjoy being in pain and unable to do the things you love.
I don’t want to rub salt in the wound but I’m in a similar physical situation but with spinal problems which stop me standing or walking for any length of time.
My husband is absolutely wonderful and I have to be careful he doesn’t smother me with kindness.
If I were you I would explore what can be done to help you surgically and then if you improve I would forge a life of my own, he has shown how unreliable and selfish he is.

I am so sorry for your plight. He doesn't sound full of the milk of human kindness.

If he loves you he will pay for surgery. If he doesn't, kick him into touch, as they say.

My sister did this after 37 years of unhappiness and had nothing but joy afterwards.

Can you ask your doctor to refer you to possibly an orthopedic consultant. I had heel bone spurs when I was a teenager. I can't remember what treatment i received. But i know it involved insoles in my shoes. I have never been bothered since

I have bone spurs in my spine and other painful spine conditions.I also walked everywhere and loved it.I was really fit and strong but now the pain from walking longer than a few minutes is agony. My partner and I split up from it. He couldn't understand that I was now disabled and would continue to suggest things to for us do that was easy for him and agonising for me. Within months he was gone. I told him I had enough to deal with for myself, what with my whole future completely changed and the person I had been all my life was gone. It devastated me and I couldn't deal with his lack of understanding. He never even looked at what my diagnosis entailed to even try to understand. I became the angry one and told him to go.He did.

Watching this thread with interest, just for the medical support - although I'm very sorry that you have an unsupportive husband, OP. Do you think, rather than a face to face conversation, he'd respond better to a few words written out explaining how much pain you are in, it's a situation out of your control, and how unsupportive you are finding him, would help? Rather than him be on the defensive?

I've moved house / GP / Hospital Rheumatology and have what my Hospital Rheumatologists thinks is tendinopathy (Achilles heel) - an over the phone diagnosis in March as she signed me off from her care. Still waiting for the Hospital near me to give me an appointment and I can't tell you how painful it is (although, from posts here, I guess a lot of you already know). I was told in a letter in April I'll hear before 1st of June. I was out gadding over the weekend and this pain, it's "life limiting" - waiting for buses rather than walk any distance, cancelling plans for shopping etc. I'm walking differently too, much slower and "swaying" rather than walking; shoes are too tight on the one heel that feels swollen and hot. I simply cannot function any longer like this, I do a full time job, travel from Lincolnshire to London twice / three times a week. I cannot imagine how I would feel if I had an unsupportive partner on top of that.

My Hospital Rheumatologist did suggest a cortisone injection might help my foot pain: I've had a bursa on the base of my foot before and one of the two injections I have had in the past was little short of miraculous. Going to be on the phone to the local Hospital tomorrow, or go and sit at my GP's and bother them. Fed up and feel sorry for myself.

Tbh is is sickening to read, what kind of a man is he? My husband had cancer for nine years, becoming more and more sick during those years, he was 61 at the time and his life as we knew it was over, mine too. I never once resented doing all the things he had once done, it I’m sure he did, though he never showed it. I love him and he loved me, it would have worked the same the other way round. What a nasty man tour DP is, sorry no excuses.

I'm so sorry Margot. I've recently read that a castor oil compress can alleviate bone spurs. You put castor oil onto a cloth (just the middle third because it spreads) and bind it round the foot. Wrap it in cling film and put a sock on to keep it in place and try it overnight. It's cheap and easy to do and, who knows, it might help. Good luck.

not a chiropractor. i would avoid them. risky woo.
a chiropodist/ podiatrist maybe.

To an extent we have gone through this, I had an operation in 2007 and was left with an invisible disability. I was 41. My husband did not cope - and took some actions which have permanently affected our 'marriage'. We are still together, and he cares for me very well, but not as husband and wife. He is though my best friend, but I miss hugs and stuff x

Try to talk to him, although I really struggled as we never were a deep conversation couple. Explain that private surgery may solve the issue short term, or NHS longer term. Two years seems impossibly long to suffer so much pain. A visit to a Chiropractor who could make moulds for your shoes might help too. I wish you every luck and hugs xx

I have a similar situation having been diagnosed with peripheral neuropathy which also makes walking and even sleeping difficult. Not much chance of improvement and I’m going down the deep massage route.
Have you thought of going abroad for surgery? My daughter came to visit us in Cyprus for a weeks holiday and went home all ready to return a few weeks later for a hip replacement! Admittedly she’s only 40 but otherwise what a waste of her life. She had only managed to get in the queue for a cortisone injection, was already on crutches etc but told she’d be waiting about eight years on the NHS.
She had a fabulous orthopaedic surgeon and I’ll be phoning him myself to ask his freely given advice. He kept in constant contact with my daughter before and after, right through to the end of her recovery period.
I would think it worth exploring then hopefully you’d be able to join your husband once again. Good luck.

I’m sorry to hear you’re having a tough time. Totally empathise as I’m struggling with mobility presently too. It really gets you down. Hopefully we’ll both see some improvements soon. However your partner is out of order speaking to you in that manner. My partner has hurt his back a few weeks ago. We’re both struggling presently! Hey ho. We’re just taking it one day at a time but not easy. Take care.