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In my 60s, need to split from husband, help with ducks please?

(25 Posts)
Wolwol Tue 04-Jul-23 01:15:47

We have a house in both our names, I think I can get free advice as can he, do I look for solicitors in my area who offer this. It's taken a while to get this far, not physical abuse, but...

What do I need to do so we are both OK? Very happy for sites to check.

There is an illness backstory to this, where I feel I've supported him and he hasn't me.

Thanks for any help or support.

Greenfinch Tue 04-Jul-23 10:03:44

Hi Wolwol I don’t have any advice but I am sorry you are going through this. I am bumping up your thread as I am not sure what you are asking and many will not have noticed it because of when it was started. I am sure someone will be along soon with some advice. Good luck!

Caramme Tue 04-Jul-23 10:23:24

I feel for you. It is a difficult time of life to be undergoing such a change. I can’t offer advice on legalities, etc but would urge you to make sure you emerge from all this in a fair position. I read your post as though you still have some feelings for your partner but don’t let those feelings put you at a disadvantage.
Good luck.

Theexwife Tue 04-Jul-23 11:14:53

I would speak to him first about parting, the more amicable it is the quicker the separation can happen and the cheaper the solicitor would be.

M0nica Tue 04-Jul-23 11:49:23

Speak to Citizen's Advice. They can advise you on all the legal steps to take and when to do it.

AGAA4 Tue 04-Jul-23 11:54:51

Good advice from MOnica. Hope all goes well for you.

Oreo Tue 04-Jul-23 14:18:09

Help, with ducks?

Siope Tue 04-Jul-23 14:23:02

It’s short for getting all one’s ducks in a row.

Oreo Tue 04-Jul-23 14:24:07

😄thanks Siope
Thought it was a custody battle.

Oreo Tue 04-Jul-23 14:25:46


Speak to Citizen's Advice. They can advise you on all the legal steps to take and when to do it.

This is what I would do first of all.Find out where you stand financially.

Hithere Tue 04-Jul-23 14:25:58

"What do I need to do so we are both OK?"

You take care of yourself, not both of you

Norah Tue 04-Jul-23 14:30:48

Ring your solicitor. First thing.

BlueBelle Tue 04-Jul-23 14:30:50

Oreo I thought it was who was having the ducks !!!
Why can’t people write coherently !😂

Sorry wolwol for your predicament if it’s over it’s over but you will need a solicitor to sort the house out
Good luck

LondonMzFitz Tue 04-Jul-23 15:02:23


I would speak to him first about parting, the more amicable it is the quicker the separation can happen and the cheaper the solicitor would be.

As above. There is a website for a firm of solicitors "" - I won't do the link as there may be cookies on it - that has some interesting information (not suggesting this firm, just the information on their website) - the more amicable the decision the less costs for solicitors - hours spent in checking pensions, bank statements etc.

We had a fairly good mediator suggested by my solicitor who was - my opinion - unbiased and worked hard to give a good overview / representation of our finances, earnings, pensions, etc. Now-ex had moved out 8 years earlier (chasing after a younger woman who was horrified and disappeared quickly). Was a nightmare as right at the beginning of Covid, getting information out of Pension companies was delayed, which now-ex got exasperated about (it was his pension information we were waiting on!!) and now-ex insisted on proceeding without that information and the mediator firmly told him that wasn't going to happen .. Ditto his vehicles, she told him it was unreasonable to own 4 motorbikes and a car and not include these as assets (her saying to him "you only have one bottom" was joyous) - I know he'd have battered me down on both points above if it were just left to us, or hundreds in back-and-forth with solicitors. I pointed out he lived with his girlfriend of 3 years - he denied this (despite Google maps showing his car outside her house) and the mediator took him at his word in that he'd need necessary funds to buy a new home for himself (three years on, still lives with his girlfriend). As it was, for a fairly straightforward sale of house / split of funds my now-ex showed himself to be a vile obnoxious odious man and I look back on that time as the reason why I never want another man in my life ....

Frank conversation first, then look at mediation with a solicitor to guide you if necessary is the "cheapest" way. Good luck.

Wolwol Tue 04-Jul-23 16:43:10

Thank you everyone. I'm determined it will be amicable unless he insists, no
young children or elderly parents are involved. Just me, him, and a dog. Who is extremely important 🐶

LondonMzFitz Tue 04-Jul-23 17:32:51

Well, I could tell you the dog story but it makes me cry ...

(short version, I went away at Christmas just prior to divorce proceedings; for the 8 years after he'd moved out the understanding was he'd take the dog if I went away, and because he lived in a bedsit (!) he couldn't keep the dog. He didn't bring the dog back, having moved in with girlfriend. Told the mediator he didn't live with girlfriend but had "given" the dog to the girlfriend. 18 months after that, a year after divorce, he took the dog to a rescue and left her there - 12 years old and in "chronic pain" - took me 4 months to find her and she'd been rehomed. I still cry at night over that one)

sally45 Tue 04-Jul-23 17:43:42

Hi, I left my husband at 75, so it can be done. Yes solicitors do offer a free consultation, usually an hour, just to let you know what a divorce would involve. Yes, do get yourself a solicitor asap , but if you don`t `like` them, then look for another, you will need to really trust them. Very best of luck.

Germanshepherdsmum Tue 04-Jul-23 18:23:33

Get yourself a solicitor who can be tough if necessary. You may think it can be done amicably - so did I. Husband had other ideas. You need to be sure that your solicitor will fight for you if need be. Not someone nice but weak. Someone nice but with teeth.

Hithere Tue 04-Jul-23 18:38:22


Make a list of things you want out of this marriage - house, car, retirement funds etc

That is your bare minimum that you are aiming for

Now add 30 to 40% of items that you claim you want too - you negotiate an agreement based on those additional items, not touching your bare minimum list above

Don't think what is fair for him, he will take care of that himself.

Wolwol Wed 05-Jul-23 00:15:27

Thank you all. I've requested a free solicitor appointment with somewhere I trust, and a skip for the stuff I will not need - not his or the kids.

I will check the amicable website in case my appointment doesn't work out...thank you.

So sorry about your dog, LondonMzFitz.

He won't talk, everything is my fault or the dog's. I do need to move on.

Hithere, that is really helpful. Hard though, thank you.

Thanks to anyone bumping this up, and Gransnet admin for making it trending.

Sally45, thank you. Hope it worked for you?

I will get my ducks in a row, I really appreciate every comment, apologies if I've not replied directly.

Wyllow3 Wed 05-Jul-23 00:37:25

New No Blame Divorce, started last April 2022, has made it much more straightforward. Your solicitor will explain, and you can google No Blame Divorce. I got a free half hour but needed an hour.

With no blame Divorce its not about he said she said or even why really, its a process involving 2 parts:

the legal separation


The financial settlement.

He doesn't have to agree on separation, court papers can be served if he doesn't sign. The reasons like he didn't care or even he was abusive don't enter in.
You need to talk to solicitor about the financial forms and how best to proceed with them. It's best if you can to end up with a "clean break finance" concurrent with the separation part but this not always possible.

There is a 6 month "cooling process" after the initial forms signed/served.

Wolwol Wed 05-Jul-23 00:38:10

And I've found my local CAB, thank you for that advice.

Wolwol Wed 05-Jul-23 15:36:34

@ Wyllow3 Thank you for info re cooling process. I will look it up, but does it mean I can't leave until that time is over?

Wyllow3 Wed 05-Jul-23 22:25:16

I don't know, we were already separated when that process was going on.

For me, the worrying issue was the money - ie losing my house (ie having to sell up in order to give him some of its value, for although I had bought it, he obvs had potentially rights in it.)

It was a great strain to keep things reasonably under control in terms of his abuse during this period as I really obvs wanted the clean break finance option. His finances were not in a good state but he had the certainty of a half share in his mothers house which was more than the worth of my house.

Frankly it was only because I was able to play nice despite feelings and abuse and that my solicitor was very, very clever indeed we got to this point.

So I dont know a lot but clearly you need to talk about financial settlement and that 6 months, and all the feelings likely to affect how co-operative your partner will be.

grandmother90 Sun 30-Jul-23 22:19:54

my separation has been hell, still husband doesn;t agree to anything.
i have severe anxiety now, and am undergoing help
it isn;t the same for everyone i understand, and i wish you well.