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Daughter's marriage

(20 Posts)
Sunan Mon 10-Jul-23 20:57:10

I'm so upset, I'm posting here in desperation, don't know who else to turn to....
Unbeknown to us, our daughter has been unhappy for a few years. Husband 'P' has probably not been giving her the 'love' and attention he should have. She's met someone on social media when she chats with constantly. She's now thinking of leaving him for this person she hasn't even met! 'P' found out and is devastated, he knows what he's done and wants to turn it round but it all looks like it's too late. There are young grandchildren who we love dearly and can't let this happen to them. If anyone has any advice I'd be grateful, we're devastated.

Hithere Mon 10-Jul-23 21:06:38

Please let them address it internally.

A third party adding their pain in the situation wont help at all

crazyH Mon 10-Jul-23 21:25:20

Just support them, though you may not approve of what’s going on. Just be there for the grandchildren. You must be so upset, but these things happen. Much to my sadness, my daughter and her husband are divorced. I am divorced. But thankfully, all the children are well adjusted. Don’t worry too much. It will all work out flowers

Summerlove Mon 10-Jul-23 21:32:18

You can’t fix this and you should not try. It’s far better for the children not to grow up in a loveless house walking on eggshells.

Be careful in your words and actions, or you could find yourself truly on the outside

BlueBelle Mon 10-Jul-23 21:48:47

You can’t DO anything just be there if and when needed
Hopefully she ll realise she may be jumping out of the frying pan into the fire Shed be very stupid to leave for someone she’s never met but if she’s not happy she may have had her head turned
It’s not easy for some of us, this old marrying lark
Stay calm hopefully it will all come out in the wash

Wyllow3 Mon 10-Jul-23 21:52:44

Stay out of their marriage. By all means listen, don't take sides or comment. Believe me that can only end in grief.
Be there for the grandchildren.

Yes listening by all means and say things like, "I'm so sorry it's like this for you atm and love you all but I can't take sides"..."I'll look after the children if you want time to talk together"

They will know about stuff like counselling these days. Life throws up such difficult things but truly people have to work out things for themselves and learn things for themselves.

Luckygirl3 Mon 10-Jul-23 22:34:48

Do not take sides in any way at all - not even a hint. They have to sort this out themselves. Be there for the GC - that is all.

Grammaretto Mon 10-Jul-23 23:02:48

It's very hard not to take sides and feel a responsibility.After all it's your DD who seems to be behaving very oddly.
Listen to her. She may decide of her own accord that this crush on a stranger is not the answer to help her through a hard patch.

Shelflife Mon 10-Jul-23 23:10:49

She may leave her husband but should not leave him for a man she has not met!
All you can do is be there particularly for your GC. If she does leave it would be unwise to give your daughter your opinion. You may have to simply accept and support just be there for your GC . I am sure you will be a source of strength and comfort for them if the marriage breaks down. Good luck.

VioletSky Mon 10-Jul-23 23:28:25

You can't prevent an unhappy marriage breaking up

Your daughter is having an emotional affair and of course he will be devastated but you also don't know what led up to this point and how long she hasn't been happy

But you can't put yourself in the middle of this. You can only support from a neutral stance.

Juliet27 Tue 11-Jul-23 06:52:35

It sounds as though your daughter is in the exciting fantasy stage of what is still just a virtual relationship. If her husband has realised that he has neglected her emotional needs and wants to step up then I think it would be far more comfortable all round for her to stay with him. However, this is something they need to sort out between themselves of course.

luluaugust Tue 11-Jul-23 10:09:34

Emotional affairs seem to be a hazard of modern life, does she actually speak to the person or is it just 'chats' by text? Are they a real person? Her husband really needs to step up if he wants to have a chance at saving the marriage but you can do nothing I am afraid. Even if she decides to confide in you I would be reluctant to express any opinions as they may come back at you later.

pascal30 Tue 11-Jul-23 10:17:50

just remain a loving presence... do not get involved..

eazybee Tue 11-Jul-23 10:29:51

Your daughter's marriage is unhappy; you think it is because her husband hasn't been giving her the love and attention she thinks she needs. He is devastated.
That is sad and there is nothing you can do about that; they have to sort that out themselves.

But to be blunt, your daughter sounds a complete fool to even consider leaving a marriage and all it entails for her children, just for the sake of someone online she has never met. I wonder if this person knows?

Fathers can get custody too.

Sunan Wed 19-Jul-23 08:54:25

Thanks for all your messages. We're trying not to interfere but son in law doesn't have parents he can turn to. It's hard not to get involved, and I worry about his mental state. Anyone had experience of support organisations he can access?

BigBertha1 Wed 19-Jul-23 09:57:03

Everything that's been said here, Its a long while ago but when something similar to me my mother wa even more ashamed of me than she already was and cast me out into the void!! She demanded to see her grandchild often which I complied with but it was three months before I wa invited back to apologise for my behaviour. Don't do anything that please.

Hithere Wed 19-Jul-23 11:54:52

Your son in law will manage

Adults don't always need their parents- we all can cope in other ways

Do not get involved and make it worse, it is not your marriage

lyleLyle Wed 19-Jul-23 12:23:22

Please do not make the mistake of thinking you truly know the inner workings of your daughter’s marriage. Your position as her mother doesn’t make you the third party in the relationship. Please understand that any interference is indefensible, the same as it would be if you meddled in anyone else’s relationship.

You can either accept with closed lips that these adults will make whatever decisions they want to, or you can ask your daughter to share her troubles with an objective, non-family member such as a therapist. I think the latter is the better option tbh.

Your grandchildren, as much as you love them, are the responsibility of your daughter and their father. It’s hard as a grandparent to watch their family potentially fall apart. We must always remember that our adult offspring are not puppets. They are people. They are flawed people who will make mistakes just as we have. But they are not our puppets to control. Let her live her life. Be an emotional support when they need…quietly.

DiamondLily Wed 19-Jul-23 14:18:44

Your DD should, at least, get to know the man, in real life, before doing anything drastic.

What people are like online is not necessarily how they are in life.

I've got nothing against meeting people online, I met my DH that way - but get to know them as people.

Hopefully, DD and her husband can sort out their relationship, or at least end it sensibly.

HeavenLeigh Sun 30-Jul-23 21:36:50

It’s for them to sort out, just be there to support!