Friend of 40 years

Keep out of it.

It is frustrating for you but you can't make her do anything. You can remain a friend and maybe gently help her to see how abusive he is to her . You can't tell her what the outcome of a divorce might be you don't know the circumstances and you're not legally qualified.
I have a friend who has tried to leave her dreadful husband but he put so many obstacles in her way and wasted so much of her money that it all fell through. Unfortunately she didn't couple it with divorce proceedings at the time, and needing to do this scuppered her attempts.
I know how an abusive man can hold up a simple divorce by dragging feet and putting every obstacle possible in her way, she knew about my situation
I'd never dream of cutting off the friendship because of this, personally, I can see the time coming when she will have no more choice. She will need all the support we can all give her then

I split from my ex H after finding out about his affair. At first I thought I couldn't cope alone after 19 years of marriage, with two teenage children and only a part time job with low income, so I agreed to him staying in the house and moving into the spare room as his mistress wasn't local - met online!

In some ways I wish I'd kicked him out, but the arrangement was good for me financially at the time. He eventually moved out as she moved nearer and once I got over the shock of what had happened I realised I could cope alone and was better off without him. We eventually divorced, reasonably amicably, and I negotiated a fair settlement though I've struggled financially at times.

I was a long way from retirement at the time and had been dreading the children leaving home as I realised we had little to talk about any more. Once I realised I could cope alone I moved into a new freedom where I could do what made me happy, not always fitting in with his plans etc. Yes I was worse off financially, but the freedom was worth so much more!

Women sometimes put up with a lot due to their own insecurities and often struggle with the fear of being alone. The reality for me was that I was much happier, but I have friends who still struggle with being on their own and are constantly looking for the next man to fulfil them.

Your friend may be in this place, in which case she will struggle with ending the relationship as she can't see a future for herself alone. You can only be there to pick up the pieces if either of them eventually decides to end things. If she is staying for financial reasons I can understand that. I was lucky things fell into place for me and an inheritance meant I managed to keep my home, but it could have been much harder if certain circumstances had been different. I found out that I was stronger and more capable than I at first thought, but not everyone can adjust to living alone and I have friends who still feel lonely, despite escaping truly abusive relationships.

My friend is a sweet , generous , kind , and deeply religious girl and her husband is a mean spirited , selfish , alcoholic , philandering hypercritical bore .

He's made her miserable since the beginning of their marriage .

I don't like him and neither do any of her many friends .

I can only offer her a shoulder to cry on .

She hasn't developed her own career and independence .

Her health is failing and has done over the last four years and he is wealthy so she has access to good private medical care - and as they live abroad and her children and grandchildren are there - she's trapped .

I'd love to wave a wand and make everything wonderful for her - but I can't .

I’m not seeing where it says that this lady is venting or complaining about her husband’s behaviour. Maybe she is quite content with her situation, or at least prefers it to the alternative of splitting up.

I think it's quite important to gently say what you think. I had a period of life where I was behaving quite badly (I am not saying for one minute your friend is doing this) my closest friend told me quite firmly that I was being an idiot. I completely ignored her of course, but once I was out of the situation I was able to understand that she was being a very good friend and was also incredibly brave. She was a better friend than those who cheered me on.

There is a lot of good advice on this thread. Keep a listening ear but do not expect any change. Divorce and moving out affect the whole family system and there may be children, grandchildren and relatives whom she values and does not want them taking sides. Also money. so she vents and she values your support. All the best with seeing her through this difficult time.

BUT - picking up on that word, I think you also need to think of the impact your friend's life is having on you and your life. Would it be possible for you to go a bit 'beige' for a while i.e. talk about general things or gardening or such like and see how she reacts? You will soon get a feel for her response and perhaps take your lead from that. I would most certainly not pass any comments but listen empathically and try to keep YOUR relationship on track so that when hers with her husbands derails you can be there for coffee and a chat without having become embroiled in the complexities of a marriage where she is obviously making the current choice to stay put irrespective of how her husband treats her. There again, do you want a friend who does not stand up to a bully? Only you can decide.

I suspect your friend is scared of the alternative and the unknown, and possibly regards divorce as type of failure. It's a huge leap of faith to give up an otherwise comfortable lifestyle. Unless your friends marriage is a wealthy one, a late in life separation or divorce is generally financial suicide for couples with average income and average assets.
However it is a choice she has available to her but only she can make that choice when or if she is ready. It can be done but only by accepting a drop in standard of living in exchange for escaping a miserable retirement. I know because I was in a similar situation and after years of putting up with an immature narcissist, finally left. It was a huge shock to my system and initially a lonely time for me and I was full of anxiety for a long while afterwards. Mean selfish husbands do not become generous on divorce but they too have to accept the consequences. I would not say I am totally happy as a result, but I am much more content with my new life now that I have adjusted to the new freedoms I have, and looking forward to a much more enjoyable retirement.

My sister was married to a selfish beast of a husband who until many years afterwards I learned that he did beat her as well as being unfaithful. When I asked her why she stayed with him she said “for the money and lifestyle”. He out lived her.
My husband and I were poor but happy but unfortunately he died when he was only sixty seven. My mother said the wrong one died.

Try looking at it this way: she has been your friend for forty years, and presumably married to her husband for most of that time.

If we are to be charitable here, we could say he has made a bad mistake, admitted it, and he and his wife have chosen to try and mend their marriage.

You feel this is a mistake, and on reading your post, I am sadly afraid you may be right, which means that one day your friend is going to need you.

If you speak out of turn now, she is very unlikely indeed to turn to you if the situation proves unbearable. So unless you are asked by her for your candid opinion, please do not say anything.

I am guessing here, but divorce once one is a pensioner may not be a financially viable option, even if your friend is emotionally able to face it.

Are you certain that she and her husband haven't agreed to live separate lives in the same house with little or no contact between them and that he may continue to see his mistress as long as he does not bring her to the home where his wife lives?

This may seem an odd choice to you, but it used to be the norm in predominantly Catholic circles, and can still be found today.

Forgive me for falling back on an old piece of advice: the proverb that says that no good has ever come of meddling between husband and wife.

My grandmother who firmly believe in the value of that proverb would have added that one should never state an opinon about another person's family affairs until asked for it, and that even then honesty was not always the best policy.

To quote an old saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. She needs you to be there to listen and not judge. She will deel with it when she can. That time hasn't come yet. Be kind.

A member of my family took up with a Turkish man many years younger than herself whose intentions were so blindingly obvious, it was eye watering. He treated her appallingly after they were married and as soon as his passport hit the mat, he took off. He'd abused her children, turned out to be a male prostitute and lied to her to swindle her out of money. She would ring me every morning with long tails of woe which were exhausting for us all. However, she didn't want to hear that she'd made a huge mistake any more than she didn't want to know what you thought even before she married...I found that out the hard way! In the end, my young daughter said that the only thing you could do was wait quietly and pick up the pieces when it all went wrong. She was very wise and that was what we did.
My advice would be to let her vent, make soothing noises and keep your counsel. Just be there to pick up the pieces.

Your friend may have what she feels are good reasons for staying. The most likely one is financial, IMO. She could end up in much worse circumstances if she splits from her husband.

If you suggest that you’re fed up of hearing about her marriage, she may find your friendship less useful - TBH, it would get me down!

Is there a financial reason why your friend remains in the marriage? For instance, does he have an occupational pension which would accrue to her (in half) should he die? She may be in this position and feels she needs this. However, contrary to others who argue that it's her business if she wants to put up with a cheating and misogynist husband, I would say that if she has adult and grandchildren who are observing her behaviour she is setting a poor example for women intergenerationally who may then walk in her footsteps. And if that is the case, personally I would ask her to consider whether she's sending any signals of that kind.

You don't say how she feels about the situation. If she is content to live like that then why are you worried. If she is unhappy and moans about the situation then I can see your point of view.

I have a friend who’s partner has treated her appallingly over many years, he’s basically a bully. She has in recent months begun to stick up for herself more, but also admitted she doesn’t want to be on her own.
I’ve been blunt with my friend over the years, but the only one who can do anything to change the situation is her.
You don’t say if she confides in you OP, maybe she’s happy in her own way.

You are in a difficult position she’s wanting to vent and you are getting frustrated hearing it over and over, 40 years is a very long time for a friendship to last you as you say are very fond of her, I just think she needs your support. I can see both sides. Nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors, I would be like you and wanting them to split as it’s awful to be treated so disrespectfully and obv I would think she’s worth more than that. But sadly it’s her choice

my ex husband did the same things in my case I wasn’t the doormat and not take him back I got rid after 24yrs of marriage I put up with his drinking heavily and everything else because I thought I could change him I only started to find out about other women he had been with after we split and it was friends who told me. The reason was that they didn’t think I would believe them after putting up with so much off him. after we split up the woman he had the affair with ended within weeks. He tried to blame me for getting into debt for his furniture for his house you won’t change how she is with him until she wakes up from his spell unfortunately like I did. Even now he’s still unfaithful to his latest gf some men just can’t keep it in their pants and as a friend don’t judge her just be there for her as a friend because one day she will need a shoulder to cry on.

I have a friend like that who’s husband is a misogynist and mental abuser - however, is not having an affair to my knowledge. Totally immature and insecure, but he can’t seem to grow up. (Who would have or be interested in a man like that?)

She’s still with him 17 yrs. Has made comments on her own about her hubby and I’ve just gone along with her, mostly listening. I think she knows how I feel by now. We kind of laugh about it, sometimes.

But I’m not judging her - the friendship is far more important to keep intact. She’s created her own life, with a job to make her happy and financially secure.

I feel like it’s a matter of time. She knows I’m there as support if anything pops for her.
USA Gundy

So many aspects to this. A true friend should be able to say exactly how you are feeling, without it affecting your friendship, then leave the subject alone. You should be able to say how this makes you feel as a friend, watching her treated this way. The husband clearly has no respect and clearly does not care about her feelings. So what if he just ups and goes one day, is she prepared for this ? He has the best of both worlds so is this how she wants to live out the rest of her life ? Some people are just so afraid of being alone, without actually realising they although they are in a relationship, they are still alone.

Some very good advice here. Please do keep her in your life. She probably needs every bit of support, especially from a very long term friend. Good luck.

I agree with most of what has already been said. Don’t abandon your friend. The day may come when she needs your support in a more practical way, but for now, just her knowing you are there will probably be of comfort to her.

Not a good idea to proffer uninvited advice.

ive a friend who was a police officer,who told me the often quote from intervening in domestic disputes from the wife ,who had been beaten up, was 'but,i love him' the mind boggles