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In denial

(13 Posts)
Batty63 Tue 01-Aug-23 00:58:46

My husband of 37 years has a problem with alcohol. He drinks every day. He works full time. Most of the time he’s a lovely man but when he’s binge drinking he gets very verbally abusive and threatening. He is not physically violent. How can I get him to realise how hateful his behaviour is? He does not admit he has an alcohol problem … I’ve known nothing else since I was 22 and I do love him but I’m getting increasingly worried about his behaviour

Wyllow3 Tue 01-Aug-23 01:11:20

Sound record the abusive threats.

(just to start)

Namsnanny Tue 01-Aug-23 01:16:47

Oh Batty63 .... I'm sorry you are coping with this. I have no experience with alcoholism, so I wouldn't dream of giving you any advice.

Many people on here have mentioned that they have been in your position. I hope someone comes on soon who can give you some really good advice.

One thing I would say, is look up meetings for Alcoholic Anon Partners. You may find lots of people who will understand your predicament.

Best of luck

Hithere Tue 01-Aug-23 01:42:05

You don't, he has to realize himself

You save yourself

VioletSky Tue 01-Aug-23 02:02:12

Please get some support, the support for partners of alcoholics is such good advice.

You should never have had to put up with this

Is there somewhere else you can stay or at least a separate space that is safe in the house so you can stay away when he binges?

Verbal abuse is not acceptable in any way. It doesn't matter how lovely he is the rest of the time, your husband is responsible for that verbal abuse and the impact that has had on your happiness over time is not a worthwhile price to pay for his sober self

Oopsadaisy1 Tue 01-Aug-23 05:33:09

Video it, record it all and play it back when he is sober.

If he won’t change then you have to decide if you want to put up with this for the Rest Of Your Life. Because, believe me when he stops working it will get much worse.

He’s a functioning alcoholic, when he doesn’t have to go to work he will probably drink all day.

tanith Tue 01-Aug-23 07:41:19

As others have said you cannot help him till he admits the problem to himself. You have a decision to make either carry on as you are or separate yourself from his destructive behaviour and save yourself. I made that decision many years ago and had a happy rest of my life, he never changed.

choughdancer Tue 01-Aug-23 09:10:36

I think the advice to record him when he is drunk and abusive is good; he probably will be deeply shocked if he is a nice person.

I have experience of this, both as a victim and perpetrator.

I had a boyfriend some years ago who drank to excess (we didn't live together) and became verbally abusive and nasty. I didn't record him, but he had absolutely no idea how unpleasantly he behaved, and really was a nice person when not drunk. He had some severe mental problems from his childhood which I think explains why he drank such a lot; to escape. I eventually broke up with him as his drinking got worse, but remain a supportive friend.

At another time in my life I drank to excess (binge drinking) and simply did not remember what I had done the night before. Apparently I was never aggressive but rather 'over friendly' with men. I also drank on my own 'to escape' when life went badly. I stopped drinking completely for a few years, and now can have a couple of glasses of wine or a pint of cider and not want more; I'm extremely lucky! But I think it's because I am in a better place mentally than I was.

So I think it IS possible to be a lovely person AND drink to excess. I think if you record him several times and play it back he will realise what a huge problem it is, and how unfair to you. At that point if he agrees to do something about it, you can both move forward, but if he doesn't then you may have to put yourself first and leave him.

I wish you the very best of luck!

Harris27 Tue 01-Aug-23 09:16:19

Knew someone like this and a poster is right it’ll get worse when he’s at home all day. You need to get advice.

Shelflife Tue 01-Aug-23 10:41:54

It is of no consequence that he is nice when sober ! Drunk or not his behaviour is unacceptable, if he fails to recognize he has a drink problem and refuses advice / support from AA then there is little you can do .........other than put yourself first , protect yourself , and remember you count and most certainly deserve better!! Self preservation comes to mind , I have not been in your situation so not qualified to advise, I recognize that. All I can do is imagine what action I would take and my immediate thought is I would be packing bags and heading for the door. Easier said than done I know that ! but please think of yourself.

Theexwife Tue 01-Aug-23 11:27:12

He wont believe how bad he is unless he sees it, get a hidden camera, very easy to purchase and set up. It needs sorting before he retires and binge drinking becomes just usual every day heavy. drinking

Hithere Tue 01-Aug-23 11:32:21

Seeing himself or not - he is now chemically dependent on alcohol and his body needs it or withdrawals will hit him

pascal30 Tue 01-Aug-23 12:32:17

I think you would probably get support and help at AlAnon.. people there will understand your situation..