Gransnet forums


Why do I feel sad about this?

(18 Posts)
orchid25 Sun 27-Aug-23 12:18:37

Hi all,
I sent an email to a former colleague that I worked alongside with for 10 years. I thought we got on well, had some laughs and chat and we kept in contact for several years on social media. I reached out to my former colleague after a couple of years after we left the organisation at the same time. There is an age gap between us and we come from different cultures, but I thought it would be just nice to send a message after a while. She tells me that she went to meet with ex-colleagues of ours several months ago, hangs out with friends in the same area where live and then signs of by telling me of her relatives's murder. This is extremely sad and horrific news for her family, but I feel a little unusual to sign off like that after not messaging each other for a couple of years. There's no reference of staying in touch (she emailed me back a couple of weeks after I sent the message). Why do I feel sad that this is the ending to an association where I worked with her for 10 years doing the same job for the same organisation in the same department? A selfish part of me feels fed up because I wasn't even considered for a catch-up with others in my old work place. Perhaps it's best never to go back.

Grandmabatty Sun 27-Aug-23 12:35:59

You kept in touch via social media,not on real life. Did you ever suggest meeting up? It sounds like you were really good colleagues but that was all. I think you have invested more in this non relationship than they did , therefore you are sad. To be honest, if someone I hadn't heard from in two years, apart from social media, contacted me, I would be surprised.

FarNorth Sun 27-Aug-23 12:41:25

Did you express your shock and sympathy about her relative's murder?
If this was recent it will figure hugely in her mind and she won't want to conceal it yet it is, of course, a difficult subject.

You're right, you are being selfish.

orchid25 Sun 27-Aug-23 12:45:40

Thank you for calling me selfish. How kind.

VioletSky Sun 27-Aug-23 12:51:50

I think they were just letting you know that life is difficult and perhaps now is not the time to rekindle a friendship

Lots of people have busy lives and as much as it would be wonderful to personally stay in touch with everyone we liked it just isn't possible. That is why we have social media like Facebook, so we can keep that connection but we wouldn't have time for a deep friendship with everyone we ever met.

Don't be sad, others will have less full lives and more time for you, it probably isn't personal for someone who has too much in their lives already

I have reached a stage I have too many friends and resist making more so I have time for the people who are closest to me and I also need time for the things I want to do in life (like gransnet lol)

luluaugust Sun 27-Aug-23 12:55:22

Oh dear Orchid. I think too much time had gone by before you contacted her and therefore you were unlikely to suddenly be welcomed into a meet up group. Do you keep in touch and see any of your other work mates? I am afraid quite often once you have left it is out of sight out of mind as many retirees know only too well.
As regards the murder this poor lady probably has more than you can know on her plate.

orchid25 Sun 27-Aug-23 13:02:52

I did reply back to express my deepest sympathy at her sad loss. But it was a strange message. Started off talking about her wonderful holiday then finished with the murder. I take on board what you say and will try and look forward to new connections.

FarNorth Sun 27-Aug-23 13:10:18

Your ex-colleague could still be in a shocked state, even though she's talking about her wonderful holiday.
As you did express sympathy you could try again in a little while saying you've been thinking of her and wondered if she'd like to meet up.

Good idea to look for friends elsewhere, tho.

Redhead56 Sun 27-Aug-23 13:13:34

My very best friend was a male colleague I worked with when I was in my 20s. He was the same age as my dad at the time. I adored his company we just got on so well he kept in touch with me when I left work to have my son. We were close friends until he died nearly ten years ago my DS and DD loved him like a GD even more so when my dad died.
I have a few good friends who I have known over thirty years and more they are like family. In fact I am closer to them than my own siblings.
Some friends are meant to be long term others are not it’s just the way it is. I bumped into a friend I hadn’t seen for some time I said we must have a catch-up. Her reply was I am retired now and too busy for catch ups you just can’t win with some people. I just waved goodbye and walked on I was a bit surprised but got over it.
You probably feel sad because things change we change don’t we? You know things are not the same but you have memories of good times hold onto those memories. I personally cherish my good memories they make me smile even when I feel down in the dumps for whatever reason.

nexus63 Sun 27-Aug-23 13:13:47

why did you wait 2 years?, a lot has happened in 2 years to the other person and probably to you to, you can't just message on a whim and expect things to be just the way they were. i worked for a lady as a pa and we sometimes see each other in the area and stop to chat, maybe grab a cuppa but we are not likely to meet up as friends. it is time to move on and i do think you are being a little selfish to expect things to just go back to how it was when you worked together.

orchid25 Sun 27-Aug-23 13:29:35

Thanks for the feedback. I agree, you can't win either way. My feelings are that once you leave the job that's all you've got in common. She went back to see our ex-colleagues so couldn't be that keen to cut ties.

Delila Sun 27-Aug-23 13:41:39

Some people click and others not so much. Your feelings are understandable, (not selfish) - don’t take it to heart.

3dognight Sun 27-Aug-23 14:22:09

As you say yourself- you messaged her after a ‘couple of years’ having left the organisation at the same time.
Perhaps if you had made contact after maybe a couple of months things would have worked out differently?

I’m just trying to imagine being contacted by an ex colleague two years down the line…. I would just wonder why are you getting in touch now.

I’m not having a go, and as you say maybe it’s better not to go back.

Hithere Sun 27-Aug-23 14:24:47

Maybe the common denominator is no longer there (working together)?
It is not uncommon to lose the connection you had with work colleagues

Smileless2012 Sun 27-Aug-23 19:58:32

Perhaps she'd been keeping in touch with the ex colleagues she met up with orchid.

Grammaretto Sun 27-Aug-23 20:06:47

I find it very hard to return for reunions once I have left and moved on.
I went to an old school reunion once. It was ok but I wouldn't go to another.
Be grateful that you had a nice colleague and try not to look back.

Sara1954 Sun 27-Aug-23 21:19:45

Think of all the people you promise to keep in touch with.
Old neighbors, old colleagues, parents of your children’s friends, people you spend a lot of time with through your, or your children’s hobbies.
So few of them stand the test of time, it’s just how it is.
Don’t be sad, it isn’t you, it’s just how things are.

Chloejo Mon 28-Aug-23 12:32:52

Private message sent x