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Split between family and partner

(11 Posts)
NanaStar Sat 16-Sep-23 16:49:09

I love my partner with all my heart and we are due to get married soon, but it's a very complicated situation.
My adult child and their partner and baby live me. They have a lot going on between and I support them as much as I can, but I also try to balance this with spending time with my partner.
He doesn't stay at mine as we are over crowded, so I stay at his one or 2 nights a week. He lives with his parents as one of them is severely disabled and he helps.
My child and partner are looking for a place, but it's not easy.
My child has mental health problems and sometimes needs my help, but when she comes to me for help and it interferes with me and my partners plans, my partner then gets upset, which I understand, but
I feel I am constantly stuck in the middle. To add to this I am legally responsible for my other grandson (daughters other child). Due to violence from the Dad when she was with him.
My daughter and her new baby have been in and out of hospital a lot since baby was born so I have to be at home to look after my other grandchild, which then causes more issues with my partner.
I just don't know what to do any more.
Yes my daughter and her partner living here is hard and they need their own place, but my partner making daily digs and comments really isn't helping.
I get constant comments from him on a daily basis. They need to do this, they need to do that. I shouldn't be doing so much. It's all wearing me down.
I'm constant trying to keep the peace and keep a balance. But what I am supposed to do if my daughter has a mental break down or needs to take the baby to hospital? Am I supposed to not help?
I feel like I'm letting my partner down, but on the other hand they are my family and if they need my support then I'll help them.
My partner has never had kids and doesn't fully understand what it is like too. He's always had an independent life and does what he wants. We are due to get married soon but can't even live together because of both of our living situations.
I'm anxious most of the time in case something happens at home and my partner gets upset. I just don't know what to do.

Grandmabatty Sat 16-Sep-23 17:02:11

If a partner tried to tell me not to support my children, he wouldn't be my partner for long. Why on earth are you contemplating marriage to someone you haven't lived with? And who is apparently so unsympathetic to you and your family? Walk away. He really doesn't have your interests at heart

NanaStar Sat 16-Sep-23 17:13:39

He can be very supportive if the baby is ill and needs to go to hospital, but isn't supportive of my daughters mental health needs. Everyone thinks because she is an adult she should just cope on her own, but mental health isn't that simple and she is my daughter, no matter what her age. He has his own mental health problems but he fails to understand hers.

Dogmum2 Sat 16-Sep-23 17:16:09

Hmmmm, but he is clearly equally committed to his family? Or does he want you to help with his family? Hmmmm, Do you have holidays away together? I would certainly be putting my wedding on hold as, simply reading your post, it feels like frustration is building, on both sides and perhaps a breather is called for. Maybe neither of you are in the right place, given your family commitments to make any further commitments right now x

welbeck Sat 16-Sep-23 17:21:36

do not get married.
frying pan, fire.

Shelflife Sat 16-Sep-23 18:04:49

I agree welbeck.
From what you have said it does not bode well!!! Marriage - please think again , too many issues. Your daughter needs you and your partner should understand and support you. Be very careful!!

DollyD Sat 16-Sep-23 20:28:03

I’m sorry to say this but your partner seems to think he should be the centre of your World and doesn’t understand that you have a family to consider.
Please take a massive step back, put the wedding on hold and if he loves you he will wait but if he doesn’t, personally I think you will have dodged a bullet.

Gingster Sat 16-Sep-23 20:42:32

Alarm bells are deafening. Don’t even think of getting married.

Wenmore Sun 17-Sep-23 01:18:26

He sounds like a child not an adult.

eazybee Sun 17-Sep-23 09:44:44

You are neither of you fully committed to this marriage.
Your priority is your adult daughter, her two children and her partner, who appear to have taken over your house.
Your partner lives at home with responsibility for a disabled parent but no experience of children.
Both of you need to compromise, but it seems unlikely to happen. You would be very foolish to go ahead with this marriage at present.

Redhead56 Sun 17-Sep-23 09:57:16

You have adult children and GC why consider a man who sounds like a child and he needs a dummy. The situation is not right do not marry him and get your priorities right stop letting your family dictate your life. You love them of course you do but don’t let them rule your life get some space and some you time.