Gransnet forums


NC repercussions

(19 Posts)
Loveandpositivity1 Sat 30-Sep-23 16:09:00

Hello, I have posted on before since going NC with my parents and older sister. I have maintained some communication with my youngest sis who has just sent me this email a few days ago.
Just a brief recap...
I went NC last Sept with my dad and older sis. Maintained a few more months with my mum, now NC with her. Now maintain occasional msgs with my younger sis. I have difficulty cutting off my youngest sis, as in my opinion, she is the most vulnerable to their abuse. In her heart , because I basically took her under my wing when I was 6 yrs old in order to protect her (I now believe this was a subconscious action on my part )from the harrowing chronic domestic abuse that took part between our parents, I think she trusts me and KNOWS and UNDERSTANDS, why I have finally had the courage to leave. I think she wants to leave too but sadly she is more damaged and can't bring herself to accept how cruel and manipulative our parents have been, and still are..particularly our mother, to all 3 of us children.
I would like to know what ppl make of this email. I dont actually trust what she says in it. Many thanks.

It reads.....


I would like to bring up a subject that is a sensitive issue given the situation.

Mum & Dad ask me for help and favours for all sorts of things on a regular basis which I am happy to do but as these needs and requests become more frequent I am finding it harder to manage them all given my other commitments. I have asked (older sister's name) to come to London more often to help which she has agreed to do.

One of the things that they have asked for fequently is to go to the tip as they are starting to clear out the house. As they have never thrown a single item away you can imagine that this is a monster task. Even with them clearing out some old gadgets, books or clothing etc it will not even touch the sides of what needs to be done.

This has got me to thinking. (older sister's name) & I are trustees and therefore in charge of organising the sale of the house. However there will be an incredible amount to sort out with the house once they pass. It would be really nice to know that you will be ready and willing to help in clearing out the house, viewings if necessary or whatever other tasks there may be. I think it is fair that we are all responsible for these chores as they are parents to us all and we will all inherit an equal share of the profit. Regardless of what you do with your share things need to be taken care of and I would like to know that I have your support going forward so that when the inevitable time comes we do not have to have this discussion when grieving.

This is a burden for us all and I hope you understand the need to also think practically and be organised to minimise stress at a difficult time.

Lots of love as always


Grandmabatty Sat 30-Sep-23 16:34:51

I think she is what Mumsnet would call a 'Flying Monkey.' The intention is to draw you back into a relationship with your family. It's using guilt as a mechanism. Block and ignore

ElaineI Sat 30-Sep-23 16:36:56

It sounds very reasonable to me and not as if she is very vulnerable. I think you would regret not helping when they pass and she is offering you an olive branch really.

I don't know why you went NC but will look it up but it is sensible to try and arrange things beforehand as she says. Only you would be able to tell whether to trust her or not.

NotSpaghetti Sat 30-Sep-23 16:48:46

I would say you are happy to help her after they have died because your relationship is with her.

That's what I would do.

Meanwhile I would suggest that it might help to have a skip if so much is going to the tip. That is then one job your sister doesn't have to be involved in.

If there is some standing space gor a skip lots of companies let you keep it for ages.

I don't believe she is trying to draw you in.

NotSpaghetti Sat 30-Sep-23 16:51:38

BTW - you can make all viewings the responsibility of the agent as a conditionof getting the business. Maybe your sister isn't aware of this?
Either way, you can point it out.

AGAA4 Sat 30-Sep-23 17:03:09

You have your reasons for going NC with your parents so you may not feel comfortable helping with clearance while they are still around.
As another poster advised offer to help after they pass.

Loveandpositivity1 Sat 30-Sep-23 17:10:48

Thank you very much for thoughts and different perspectives, much appreciated

NotSpaghetti Sun 01-Oct-23 07:43:13

I expect the sheer scale of the clearance is just becoming obvious to your sister.

Maybe, if you think you will feel uncomfortable handling their belongings after they have died, you could suggest you help some other way - eg - you could offer to organise a house-clearance firm (or the skip).

If you think the house needs a lick of paint or the garden tidied, maybe you could do that once it's emptied? It might be easier to be responsible for "preparing it for sale" once they have cleared it...

Smileless2012 Mon 02-Oct-23 13:21:36

I don't think your sister's trying to draw you back into a relationship with your family; you've maintained your relationship with her and she's asking if you'd be prepared to help with your parents house once they've died. That only leaves your older sister who you may or may not wish to reconnect with, and may or may not wish to reconnect with you.

I agree with NotSpaghetti, that the best response would be you'll help her when they've died because of your relationship with her.

Philippa111 Mon 02-Oct-23 13:34:34

Your sister can ask and you can decide if its a yes or a no.

It sounds like it could be re-traumatising for you to go back into that situation.If that is the case could you perhaps offer to pay for someone to do the things that she is asking and explain that its just too overwhelming for you. There are companies that just go in and remove things in these situations.The family take the things they want and then leave the company to get on with it.
If you feel strong enough to do it then go ahead.
It takes a lot of courage to get away from toxic family situations and only you know what you are comfortable with. Did you think to talk to someone outside of the situation to help you with it?

Loveandpositivity1 Tue 03-Oct-23 07:01:27

Thank you for further responses. Appreciated!

Nanatoone Tue 03-Oct-23 07:14:45

I think saying that you are willing to help with anything needed to sort their affairs out after they have died is fine. In fact it doesn’t mean you have to do it as you could hire someone to do the work so you don’t have to be exposed to upsetting things again. I know personal effects are potentially a little different (important papers and jewellery etc), but if your other sisters want any of that then they can do that. I have huge sympathy, I was lucky enough to be born into a large but happy family and even we have our issues from time to time.

Loveandpositivity1 Tue 03-Oct-23 08:25:21

Grandmabatty, I received another email from my younger sis. I had a quick read and deleted it. I think your comments "I think she is what Mumsnet would call a 'Flying Monkey.' The intention is to draw you back into a relationship with your family. It's using guilt as a mechanism. Block and ignore" are really what is going on. Thats my gut feeling and I am trusting it. I am not strong enough YET to block her yet but the ignoring of guilt trips is happening. But thank you everybody for your opinions/views and perspectives.

Fleur20 Tue 03-Oct-23 08:58:02

If these people, all or any of them, do not enhance or bring joy to your life, you do not need them. And you do not need any inheritance... that would, to me, seem a poisoned chalice.
Perhaps continue contact with your younger sister if you feel comfortable with that, but make it on your terms.
Be you.

fancythat Tue 03-Oct-23 09:57:09

It sounds very reasonable to me and not as if she is very vulnerable.

Totally agree.

MrsSquirrel Tue 03-Oct-23 11:13:11

On the surface it might sound reasonable, but Loveandpositivity will know better than any of us whether her sister is vulnerable.

If it were me, I would not promise to do anything after their deaths. Who knows how you will feel when the time comes? You don't say what their health is like, but if both parents are still living, it could be years before the second of them dies.

Keep ignoring the guilt trips. Focus on the positivity.

fancythat Tue 03-Oct-23 11:18:17

How is it a guilt trip?

As a stand alone letter it is more than fair.

But yes, we dont know the background.

MrsSquirrel Tue 03-Oct-23 12:50:38

When I said ignore the guilt trips, I was more referring to the second email that OP said she read quickly and then deleted. If she thinks it's a guilt trip and decides to ignore the message, that's perfectly fine. Sometimes it is better to delete and move on, rather than get drawn in.

Loveandpositivity1 Tue 03-Oct-23 13:38:41

Fleur20 "Be you"

What a beautiful thing to write. I am most definitely being me nowadays and I fully appreciate I am not for everyone and that's AOK too. It seems many people really like me, I had no idea!
Have a great day everyone! smile