Hanging by a Thread

Wrong thread, ignore my last reply.

I understand the child is 9.

As there is a baby in the house things are surely only going to get worse for you, the baby will grow up and become a loud active toddler.

Maybe it would be better for them to buy you out so that you can move.

Is there any way you and your daughter/husband could assist the sister in law to move into her own home (rented not owned) if you paid for the deposit and some building work you should have an equal say in the house. Would selling the property allow you and daughter to have two smaller houses so SIL must get her own place?

pinkquartz

sad and suprised how little empathy some posters have for an older ill person.

OP cannot help being in this condition.

Since becoming ill myself i know how destructive stress and noise can be to ones mind.body and soul.

I am sorry that I do not have any advice to give . America seems to be a harsh place for people if they lack money and good health,

I hope that someone can help you.

Thank you for your kind and empathetic words. Your message was not very long, but it has brought me to tears. I very much appreciated you saying, "Since becoming ill myself i know how destructive stress and noise can be to ones mind, body and soul." That describes my situation exactly. I have to say I have felt rather "beat up" as you said from some of the responses on this site and it has not just shocked my system further, but made me very depressed. Yes, the United States does not take care of its poor or elderly, that is a fact. One that makes my situation terribly hard. Thanks for caring and your support.

sad and suprised how little empathy some posters have for an older ill person.

OP cannot help being in this condition.

Since becoming ill myself i know how destructive stress and noise can be to ones mind.body and soul.

I am sorry that I do not have any advice to give . America seems to be a harsh place for people if they lack money and good health,

I hope that someone can help you.

Hithere

Op

I am not sure what you want from us

You are a therapist and if this person truly has a PD, you know how hard is to deal with them.

Again, how old the child is?

If this relationship and living situation is so unbereable, your daughter and son in law can buy you out and you move.

I'm not sure what spirit you are coming in. To support, to help? I feel like you are giving me a scolding. I asked in my original message for advise of what to say if and when a meeting actually takes place to discuss the sister in laws wishes to change the agreement made before she moved in. Because I was a therapist (and social worker) I have been able to recognize the dynamics of the problem. However it is difficult to offer oneself advice as we are so close to the problem, if that makes sense. The boy is 8-9 and has a large yard to play at will. It is not as cut and dry as you make it. Thank you for your perspective.

jeanie99

I can symphonize regarding the screening, my grandson of almost 6 does it constantly because he knows I cannot stand it. He screams and smiles at the same looking at me. My son and DIL tell him about this constantly.
You live in a difficult situation.
I would speak to your daughter and SIL and insist that your arrangement with them initially be adhered too.
You made your decision to move into their home based on this, any arrangement they made with his sister should have been taken into consideration before she moved in.
It may be that you wouldn't have moved in with them if you had known it could change at anytime.
You would then have had the option to make other arrangements.
As far as the sister is concerned she sounds like a person with some issues and enjoys the nasty gossiping and tale telling.
Only the brother can sort this out, just tell him what the neighbours have said and leave it at that.
Is it possible to get out and join a woman's group of some sort. Perhaps your daughter could help with a lift. I think you need to get out of the house and have a life this would help with the situation.
Do you live in the US?

Thank you for your helpful outlook. My son in law and daughter did not know that the sister in law would prove to be so difficult and divisive. They were in love and my daughter trying to please him. He thought it was nice that my daughter and I were helping each other, and decided to add his sister and her son, without any forethought. I was actually very concerned about it then, and expressed that to them, as I had met her and had a very uneasy feeling about her. Not only that I felt the decision was impulsive and not well thought out. In the beginning they insisted I actually practically live with her and her young child (who I hardly knew) on one side of the house. That is when I suggested to I would pay for an in law apartment, which was finally agreed upon. It is really such a crazy situation and so much tension built up. I am in the US, yes. I have exhausted all avenues of where I could go with my limited income and disability. Prices are just outrageous and it is impossible to live on the Social Security one gets here without having help from family. My daughter and son in law were very committed to that - they actually lived with me in my house for several years before they offered to have me come with them. They convinced me they wanted me to be taken care of and not to have any more worries. Its such a cluster of things that my mind has just been spinning and my heart racing. If I had somewhere else to go I would have by now. I used to be a Social Worker as well and familiar with all of the resources available for Seniors. I am at my wits end and just feeling literally full of fear.

Op

I am not sure what you want from us

You are a therapist and if this person truly has a PD, you know how hard is to deal with them.

Again, how old the child is?

If this relationship and living situation is so unbereable, your daughter and son in law can buy you out and you move.

I don't think this meeting is going to go very well if you cannot move any way towards a compromise for a shared space. Boundaries are great but they are not one way, it is clear you don't like her and she will likely be aware of this.

With your own separate accomodations there is absolutely no need to interact with this person on a daily basis, try to take a step back from this and avoid more Ill feeling if you can

My daughter owns half the home and I paid for the deposit and moving in costs as well as paid for the construction of the in law apartment (which my SIL helped to build). The rules of the house were agreed on before the sister in law and her son moved in. He is 9 and has a large yard to do as he pleases in. That is what she agreed to for reasons given.

lemsip

you were very fortunate that your son in law built an 'inlaw' quarter for you. It was a very generous gesture of him. He then gave his sister and her child the same generous gesture.

I actually paid for the inlaw quarters as well as the deposit for the home and moving in costs. My SIL helped to build the in law apartment along with a construction company which I hired. The sister in law and her son agreed to the house rules prior to moving in. It was something my daughter, son in law and I discussed prior and agreed on.

Your daughter’s and son-in-lawn’s kindness and generosity has landed you all in hot water, as your needs and your SIL’s sisters needs are diametrically opposed, without any blame necessarily attached. Gossip, etc is irrelevant here.

A calm meeting is a good idea in which all are given space to explain their position, with the aim of reaching a compromise. There are four adults involved, two of them at loggerheads, while your daughter and her husband are caught in the middle and must be quite stressed by all this.

If you can’t reach a sensible agreement between you then it might be adviseable to think in terms of an alternative, perhaps more suitable, place to live.

If this person actually has PD then your BIL will be wary of upsetting her. I would try practical solutions..
Is there any way you could fence off the area in front of your window thus making it inaccessible to the children? Even a trellis could keep them a few feet away..
I wouldn't listen to gossip from neighbours nothing good ever comes from that..

I can symphonize regarding the screening, my grandson of almost 6 does it constantly because he knows I cannot stand it. He screams and smiles at the same looking at me. My son and DIL tell him about this constantly.
You live in a difficult situation.
I would speak to your daughter and SIL and insist that your arrangement with them initially be adhered too.
You made your decision to move into their home based on this, any arrangement they made with his sister should have been taken into consideration before she moved in.
It may be that you wouldn't have moved in with them if you had known it could change at anytime.
You would then have had the option to make other arrangements.
As far as the sister is concerned she sounds like a person with some issues and enjoys the nasty gossiping and tale telling.
Only the brother can sort this out, just tell him what the neighbours have said and leave it at that.
Is it possible to get out and join a woman's group of some sort. Perhaps your daughter could help with a lift. I think you need to get out of the house and have a life this would help with the situation.
Do you live in the US?

Op

The issue here is that you are not the owner of the home

You and the mother of the child have been extended a very kind invite to live there

How old is the child? Doesn't he/she goes to school, daycare, etc?

How many hours of play outside are we talking about a week?

Winter is coming and that should stop the problem soon

Daughter and sil are very kind to extend their generosity and house you all full time long term

If this does not work for you, have you researched resources available for your age range and health conditions?

Count your blessings . You have got a very good daughter and son-in-law. I can’t imagine either of my sons, let alone my sil, building an annexe for me.
Having said that, you are coping with a toxic person, who happens to be part of the family. It must be tough on you, considering you also have a disability to deal with. I don’t know what the solution is. You must look after your health. I hope the Meeting goes well and you are able to sort things out satisfactorily x

VioletSky The disability I have is non curable and often I am in too much pain to even close a window. I have been fully engaged in life for 70 years and continue to be as best I can. I lived in a major city, working 50 hours a week, with all the noise one can imagine before becoming ill. This has nothing to do with that. It has to do with what I need to do to manage and take care of my health and life now, while dealing with someone creating continued toxicity in our home.

The biggest problem you have is that as adults, it is our responsibility to heal ourselves. You may be able to have a meeting and solve this one issue of where a child plays but there will always be noises in life and things we cannot avoid.

You need to be able to fully engage with life and the outside world and whatever you are doing to heal that in yourself or whatever you can do towards that goal needs to be a priority.

As for people who are toxic, just keep yourself above that, be yourself and no mud will stick if you are good person and so is the person who hears rumours

Fleur20 Thank you SO much for not only your sound advise but trying to help me not feel defeated by some of the comments. I really like the advice to address my daughter and son in law and keep that focus, rather than focusing on the sister in law of my daughter. Gosh hard to keep the people's descriptions all straight, lol. I will try and not be afraid of this meeting (I actually used to teach large groups, so it is crazy that I would be so afraid) and will work to be in control, address my own needs (which I am not sure they really understand) and try to present it in a way that does not need to impact anyone negatively. As I was reading your message, I realized that I may for my own nervousness sake, write down what I need to say prior and just read it. That is really all very wise what you suggested, as it in a way allows what is wrong to rise to the surface on its own. Thank you so much for your very helpful words and support! :-)

I agree with Fleur20. I'm sorry you're having these difficulties now. Wish you well.

I am sorry, you seem to have had some rather harsh replies on this thread.

I understand your upset if the original arrangements for the child to play only in the back yard have not been honoured. This was obviously done in consideration of your peace, quiet and privacy. This is a point you can raise at the 'meeting'.

I suggest you actually push for this meeting to happen so you can address the issues with all the adults involved. In order to do this, please take some control. I appreciate you feel intimidated by the thought of this, but if you write down all the points you want to make, and practice your presentation and reasons this will help you to articulate clearly and calmly what you want to say.
Try to put this woman to the back of your mind, she seems to have lots of issues, but you should address your words to your daughter and son in law. If you can explain quietly and firmly the problems they will hear you.
Do not make it about her, just detail the difficulties you are having and suggest ways to alleviate them, making clear that they do not actually have to impact anyone else to their detriment.
Good Luck.

CanadianGran Thank you. Your response is very kind and thoughtful in light of the entire story and I appreciate it. I will take your suggestion to heart. Yes, my daughter has a very big heart, but also very conscious to feel she needs to please her husband, which I understand. She definitely does not need these worries either. Again, thank you :-)

Callistemon21 I use the term 'the child' as I do not want to use his name on a public site. It has nothing to do with me liking him. I had him for visits with my cats and to learn to read often the first year, until his mothers indifference and rejection of my gestures toward them to try to be kind.

I think if he has a designated play area that is a good size, then this should be enough. Hopefully you can maintain your quiet space at the front of the house.

If you are going to have a meeting, then try to keep your emotions at bay, reiterate that having a quiet front garden is working well for you. Your daughter can be caught in the middle trying to please everyone.