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Should I quit my relationship based on issues with my children?

(11 Posts)
Turmoil Thu 19-Oct-23 15:06:26

I'm into a 2.5 year relationship and recently I started to question the "health" and future of the relationship. There were issues dealing with my partner's unawareness of his actions and how those actions made me feel (seemed like he is selfish).

The part that has me most concerned is about my grown daughter. Since I'm a widow, she is very opinionated and protective over me. She has been clear that I should steer clear of anyone "overtaking me" and instead, should have a companion. Now before you say "it's my life not hers"....I am very independent and refuse to be controlled by another, including my daughter or any romantic partner. Yes I think a "companion" at this point in my life is sufficient which gives me more freedom than living with someone but, part of me isn't sure. I really loved being married to my late husband for almost 30 years and in a perfect world, would be very lucky to get that again but I'm realistic.

My boyfriend is pleading for me to stay. He thinks that his "selfish" behavior is in response to being "shut out" by me sometimes (i.e. no pics of him and I in my home but still have pics of my late husband everywhere - he said he understands having pics of him but expected to see pics of us too; I didn't invite him to certain trips I had visited alone with both of my adult kids out of state but he says he understands but hopes that will change; he was "hurt" when he and I visited my daughter and son and in law because he said he was left out of certain discussions, etc. and he was not welcome to a funeral of a very close family friend - I didn't think having him there was a good idea because my kids were grieving and I know my daughter doesn't feel comfortable with him and he didn't even know the deceased).

He "blames" all of the above on "issues he thinks I have with moving on" rather than on his behavior. He is aware my kids come first no matter what especially since I am a single parent (he is divorced and his kids have both parents).

Perhaps it's because I'm independent or maybe even I am having issues with "moving on" after 12 years of losing my husband, but shouldn't he respect my boundaries and take responsibilities for his own actions.

He wants to see me tomorrow (we haven't been together for several weeks per my request for a break - he complained about that saying he was left alone in silence not knowing what I was thinking, etc.).

When I told him I thought he was egocentric too often he went into a long winded conversation about how much he's done for me even when he wasn't happy necessarily doing it because "he loves me" and loves me.

I do miss his company but just want peace and no aggravation at this point in my life. He says he just wants to be part of my life - and not living together if that doesn't work for me.

What do I do?

AGAA4 Thu 19-Oct-23 15:18:36

It sounds as though this man wants more from you than you are willing to give. He doesn't need to be involved in the lives of your children or accompany you to family funerals.
You need to be very firm with him about giving you your space.
Maybe you aren't ready for a full on relationship but it seems he is.

Smileless2012 Thu 19-Oct-23 15:26:47

Hello Turmoil.

You need to have an honest discussion where you say exactly what you are wanting from this relationship and how much you are prepared to give, and allow him to do the same.

It appears to me from your OP that he is looking for a commitment from you, that you are unable to give. You say that he just wants to be a part of your life and is prepared for you not to live together, but I can't help but think that in the long term, that may not be enough for him.

He says he loves you but you haven't said if that is reciprocated, if not then it maybe fairer to end the relationship.

Dee1012 Thu 19-Oct-23 15:29:15

From what you say, I actually think that perhaps a 'companion' rather than a full-on partner would be the right thing for you at this time.

Perhaps in the future you would feel differently?

There's a saying about having someone to complement life and not complete it....he seems to be of the latter opinion!

Shelflife Thu 19-Oct-23 17:03:49

He appears to have an air of entitlement about him . Of course you would not ask him to the funeral of your close family friend - why would he think he should be there ?
I think you are an independent and intelligent person who is only too aware of his shortcomings. Act on your instincts, good look.

Shelflife Thu 19-Oct-23 17:04:50

Luck !!!

BlueBelle Thu 19-Oct-23 17:29:12

I can see how he’s hurt and I can also see how you don’t want too much involvement I think you have pulled him in to a relationship, as you say, yourself hoping to recreate your great marriage but you don’t really want a full on relationship and your daughter definitely doesn’t want you to have one

I think you have confused him and you need to be very clear if you only want him as an arms length companion or a live in lover and proper relationship It’s not fair on him to pull him in then push him out
Think carefully and be clear what you want and what you can offer

welbeck Thu 19-Oct-23 19:04:48

have you posted about this before.
sounds familiar.

Wenmore Thu 19-Oct-23 19:13:52

I'd let him go. If the roles were reversed and l was him, I'd be gone.

pascal30 Thu 19-Oct-23 20:42:42

I think that after being together for over 2 years that he has every right to expect to be more involved with your larger circle of friends and family. You are being unfair to him by not being clearer with your intentions, which sound very much as though you just want a friend.

VioletSky Thu 19-Oct-23 20:51:53

He wants a closer relationship and I don't think that is a bad thing (from what you describe)

You have to decide if you are willing to give that to him and if you aren't, maybe this is not the right relationship for either of you