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Retirement as a couple, why am I so fed up

(18 Posts)
Chanel19 Fri 27-Oct-23 21:24:29

Much has been written on this topic, I'm sure.
For the last 2 months I'm increasingly fed up/stressed. DH has memory issues and if he gets stressed , can't think straight and can act strangely. I'm getting my head round all this, and we have seen the memory clinic, awaiting a scan. My main problem is he wants to do everything I do, go where I go etc.
I do see friends for coffee, he has none anymore.
Gave up golf a few years ago as he's fed up with it, won't join a friends walking football team, so no hobbies at all.
If I start housework he's joining in which I guess is OK by most women!
But can be irritating. If I'm going shopping, he's ready to go too.
Today he asked why I seemed fed up, so I said we are together too much..he hit the roof, made it a drama, feels the marriage is in trouble and he is very happy just being with me. Why am I not happy. In the end I asked him to ignore my remarks and let's get on with the day rather than spoil it.
Do other women feel guilty if they organise seeing friends when DH are just at home? I really want to move on from feeling like this as its quite depressing.

Theexwife Fri 27-Oct-23 21:44:30

There really is no need to feel guilty, you are not responsible for somebody else’s happiness.

I would go out more, it would force him to find something for himself. Keep reinforcing that you love him and the marriage is not in trouble but you need some time alone.

pieinthesky Fri 27-Oct-23 22:05:50

Maybe his memory problems are making him less confident about doing things on his own and he feels more secure with you. I should imagine you are both concerned about this and that could also be making you feel fed up. Is there anything you could join together, maybe a U3A group and this way he might get more confident mixing with other people. I’m not sure you’re going out more and leaving him on his own would be helpful as he could feel isolated and lonely and I don’t think this would encourage him to go out by himself. It is a very difficult situation for you and maybe you could get advice at the memory clinic as I’m sure they would have encountered this before.

Wenmore Fri 27-Oct-23 22:41:02

Is there a 'men's shed' locally? Even if he's not practically minded they are brilliant for friendship and support.

Shelflife Sat 28-Oct-23 00:04:39

Chanell9 I have sent you a PM

BlueBelle Sat 28-Oct-23 04:41:31

My friend has this very trouble with her husband who has now been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and is at last receiving some help but he is still terrified if she goes out without him but with help from others she is managing short times apart
He follows her around and gets so nervous when she (now his parent figure) goes out of his sight I also saw this happen with a friend and her mum The mum literally turned into a small child following her everywhere and getting very panicky if she lost sight of the daughter Can you remember the stage in childhood when you couldn’t even go to the toilet without a small child following you
I think you will probably feel better if /when your husband gets a diagnosis and there is a lot of help then that will be offered
Good luck it’s a long hard road if he does have early stages but perhaps he’s just trying to get used to retirement and feeling useful again and perhaps a bit depressed men sometimes don’t adjust as well as women there’s always that hope and then it’s a matter of gradually encouraging him to get involved in other things
I wish you lots of luck in this situation

Chardy Sat 28-Oct-23 09:30:45

Would listening to old songs (eg Greatest Hits radio) help with the memory issues? Or watching old films?

Katie59 Sat 28-Oct-23 10:06:49

He has lost his confidence and is relying on you to make him feel safe, while trying to be helpful at the same time, try to put yourself in his position.

This is likely to be progressive, so you do have to accept your life is going to change

Redhead56 Sat 28-Oct-23 10:38:40

Your DH needs occupation that is essential he will benefit just by getting out of the house. Interference with your space is overwhelming that’s why you are fed up and it’s causing friction between you.

Both of my good friends have been through the same situation. Listening to them made my mind up to learn from their experiences. My DH retired three years ago and tried to take over every thing I did at home. I quickly encouraged him to volunteer and he did and he really enjoys it. He also has a dog walking group of friends now it’s has not altered his confusion or forgetfulness but it’s certainly done him good. He just accepts confusion and forgetfulness as old age but out of sheer stubbornness he will not seek advice. But at least now he has more things to do as well as his crafting hobbies he is happier.

I have my knitting for dementia gardening cooking and free online courses as my pastimes. We go for meals and drinks with mutual friends occasionally it’s getting the balance right that is so important.

BlueBelle Sat 28-Oct-23 11:07:46

With respect Redhead it sounds much more than just a bossy husband without much to do and adjusting to retirementI d be much more concerned and think poster will get a clearer picture after the scan

HelterSkelter1 Sat 28-Oct-23 11:27:23

No further advice to give , but sympathy.
How old is your husband? Hopefully the scan will help clarify what is going on and more help and advice will come your way.

when we have had problems over the last decade I try and think "do as you would be done by" and that sometimes helps...a bit.

Redhead56 Sat 28-Oct-23 11:43:36

I couldn't agree more it is a very good idea for a scan providing he agrees to it.

M0nica Sat 28-Oct-23 14:08:01

I think it is difficult to do anything until the scan has taken place, together with other tests the Memory Clinic will do.

But on the assumption that there is a diaagnosis of dementia, it will be worth looking at the Alzheimer's Society website and contacting your local braanch. You could also contact your local branch of Age UK.

My FiL had Parkinson's disease and when it reached a stage where he could not be safely left on his own, he went to a Day Centre one day a week, which gave my very DMiL respite and time to ourselves.

Chanel19 Sat 28-Oct-23 17:06:43

Thanks everyone for your replies.
The memory letting him down has led to some odd behaviour.
He has a scan this coming Friday, so a few weeks after , we should get some answers. He is also due for a vitamin B12 top up, which may help. I noticed a slight improvement before.
Today he is encouraging me to meet friends, so I shall do so here and there, as its an outlet badly needed.
I feel for him very much, and worry for the future that may lie ahead of us.

Carenza123 Sat 28-Oct-23 17:44:37

I do feel for you. My husband and Ali moved to a new village five years ago and I have purposely ventured out, joining some groups and the local church. I have made some good friends and acquaintances as a result. My husband has ongoing mobility issues but in that five years, he has made no friends in particular and has no hobbies. He would like me to sit with him watching tv, but I need to be sociable but I feel guilty when I go out. I am his carer.

Atqui Sat 28-Oct-23 21:10:54

Could have written this myself

RosiesMaw Sun 29-Oct-23 00:29:12

I am aware of your underlying worry about your husband’s health issues and hope you get an answer and maybe some help very soon.
If he is unable to go out with you you can get a “sitter” to come in and either keep him company or read or watch TV with him.
A friend whose husband had Alzheimer’s did this once a week so that she could go to her Literature class with friends in Bedford. Then there are Day Centres and activities designed for dementia sufferers.
For ages she claimed he would hate going to such a Day centre but when he started, two days a week, it turned out he loved it!
So once you know what the situation is I hope you can look forward to rebuilding a sort of social life for yourself.
It will need patience- but will be worth it!

Norah Sun 29-Oct-23 12:36:21

I'm sorry, his memory issues must be quite frightening for him. Hopefully the testing will result in tablets to calm his nerves.