Gransnet forums


I don't like who I become when I am with certain people

(21 Posts)
Loveandpositivity1 Thu 02-Nov-23 15:42:28

I wonder if ppl could shed some light on this pls.
I have realised I dont like who I become when I am with certain ppl. In line with individual responsibility which I am a firm believer of, this contradicts it. I I take full responsibility for my thoughts, feelings behaviours etc then how can this happen? Or am I expecting too much of myself.
I use the analogy of a group of drinkers. If I dont want to drink anymore and I continue to hang out with the same ppl I used to drink with , who still behave the same way and are perfectly happy to drink the same amount, is it only a question of time before I startt drinking again?
why do ppl think?
My exact situation isn't actually drinking. It is behaving a certain way with a group of ppl , a way I used to behave and dont now. I miss them and they miss me but I fear hanging out with them again as I think I will resort to old behaviours again? Is this weakness on my part?

robbie2499 Thu 02-Nov-23 15:47:26

Not at all is this a reflection on you nor weakness. You're simply realizing what's good for you in YOUR life. I went through something similar years back. I made a list of friends, coworkers, etc. and realized most of them were toxic for me. With that realization, I know beat with my own drum, lol.

Baggs Thu 02-Nov-23 15:52:34

Your fear sounds like a strength to me, L&P. Stay strong flowers

Ziplok Thu 02-Nov-23 15:55:08

I understand that you miss these people, but ask yourself if you miss them so much that you are prepared to return to a way of behaving that you say you dislike, or do you prefer the way you are now? If the latter, then really, you need to stay away from them and move on. Put yourself first, and choose the thing that you know is the best thing for you, not others. Good luck.

coco12 Thu 02-Nov-23 16:41:53

Is it something that you secretly or deep down long for? could you do it once and draw a line? Doesn't have to be a habit but could be a rare or occasional thing?

wildswan16 Thu 02-Nov-23 17:01:25

Surely this shows your strength, not weakness. If something is "bad" for you, it is madness to put yourself in a situation where you meet it.

Loveandpositivity1 Thu 02-Nov-23 18:37:40

Ziplok- Put yourself first, and choose the thing that you know is the best thing for you, not others. Good luck.

I think this is what feels uncomfortable to me. I am in fact learning how to put myself first nowadays and it feels good to do it, uncomfortable yet good. Letting go/ walking away from people whoI KNOW dont have my best interest at heart is what I am doing. It's the guilt of putting myself first as this hasn't been my comfort zone before. Quite the opposite. 'These people' msg me from time to time telling me how much they love and miss me. In some sense I think they mean it but going back to them means being in their world again where as I said I dont like who I become. They havent changed , I have. They feel abandoned by me. I have subtly tried to explain my reasons and they have got very defensive , so I dropped it. Thanks for replies.

V3ra Thu 02-Nov-23 18:37:42

If you hang out with them and don't revert to the old behaviour you want to move on from, would you have much in common with them anyway?
Sometimes in life we have to accept that we have changed, draw a line, and move on.

I like the saying I've learned on Gransnet that we have a mixture of:
"Friends for a reason, friends for a season, friends for life."

It makes it easier to understand that some people no longer have a place in our life and it is ok to find and make friends with new people.

Loveandpositivity1 Thu 02-Nov-23 18:38:18

If something is "bad" for you, it is madness to put yourself in a situation where you meet it.

Agreed. Nicely put!

Loveandpositivity1 Thu 02-Nov-23 18:39:00

V3ra- well said

Ziplok Thu 02-Nov-23 18:42:03

I think you are being very brave, certainly not weak. It isn’t easy to put yourself first, especially when facing pressures and emotional tugs from people who have been close to you.

V3ra Thu 02-Nov-23 18:42:40

Loveandpositivity1 I also like "To thine own self be true" 😊

Loveandpositivity1 Sat 04-Nov-23 09:34:13

smile smile

Tanjamaltija Sun 05-Nov-23 11:25:34

In Maltese we say that if you stay with a lame person for a year, by the end of it you'll be walking with a limp, too. So.... you don't like yourself when you are with them... limit your time with them.

Gundy Sun 05-Nov-23 11:42:03

You are showing maturity and self-love, which is proper.

If there are people who bring you down, they’re the wrong crowd. You should only seek people who bring you up and share the same values as you.

I’m in a similar situation, I believe, and it’s hard. I feel like the more I’m around this person I might say the wrong thing or something inappropriate when I see them acting out, not taking responsibility, and even breaking my trust in them… it might be time to take respite. Could be permanent.
USA Gundy

Lisalee55 Sun 05-Nov-23 11:56:59

You need to be strong enough to lay down new memories with these people so that you don't associate them with you doing those behaviours (ie. you need to act in a different way to them and that will become your new norm in their company) but if you don't feel strong enough to do that it's good you recognise it.

PamQS Sun 05-Nov-23 12:03:13

Do what you believe is right for you - if you don’t put yourself first, nobody else is going to!

If a doctor had told you to avoid this group, because it was bad for you, would you do it?

I really can’t imagine what activity you’re avoiding. I don’t want to know, but if it’s something you don’t enjoy, or don’t want to enjoy, then as nice as it is that people are asking you to come back, you need to stick to your decision.

nanna8 Sun 05-Nov-23 12:17:19

Be true to yourself. If they make you feel uncomfortable, avoid them and move on. I did that with a group I used to be close to, never regretted it.

Fairycakes Sun 05-Nov-23 12:27:45

I had to walk away from friends I had known since school days, but they weren't treating me well. Despite that I do miss them at times but I know I did the right thing and don't regret it. One of the friends got in touch a while back and we kept in touch for a while, but I realised I had changed from the person I used to be but they had not. We are not meant to hold on to people. If we did, we wouldn't grow or change. We need to move on and experience new things. I still keep in touch with the friend, just an occasional message at Christmas or birthdays. I also do not want to be influenced by this friend, so keeping the ties loose gives me the space to be my true self.

Summerfly Sun 05-Nov-23 12:57:01

I’ve slowly started to do this. Some relationships last forever, but others are like butterflies, short lived. I really can count on one hand my trusted friends. I have no need for “friends” whose lifestyle is now so different to mine. We all change as we age, and I do things that I want rather than to suit others. Not easy at first, but boy, do I feel more comfortable with my life.
Well done you for making the changes L&P. 💐

Norah Sun 05-Nov-23 13:07:55


If something is "bad" for you, it is madness to put yourself in a situation where you meet it.

Agreed. Nicely put!

I think the madness of being in a situation bad for you (or your family) is good reason to walking away without a word. No explanation necessary!

People worked out - unnecessary to keep others on for no reason.