Lack of connection, lack of joy.

I will say though that I had a deep conversation with him over the weekend and he says he cannot meet my needs. He is not interested in conversation just says I should go out more with friends and colleagues
Well he’s given up …..hes acknowledged he’s can’t be what you need him to be and given you permission to lead your own life
He isn’t necessarily not interested in conversation but can’t converse in your manner some people are very articulate in showing or talking about their feelings some just cannot and keep it all inside it doesn’t mean they don’t feel these things they just can’t release them
You have two choices accept him as he is and jog along living your own lives or leave and start again I guess your age would make a difference to your decision if you are young enough to still want a sexual relationship or old enough to find contentment in your hobbies and friends and a house mate to share finances with

I think the main problem is you see him as the baddie but really you’re just incompatible which is no one’s fault he’s probably as uncomfortable with it all as you

I hope you both find peace

Hi there and Im back. Sorry for the delay. Life gets in the way sometimes.
I will be judged if I say what brought us together.

I will say though that I had a deep conversation with him over the weekend and he says he cannot meet my needs. He is not interested in conversation just says I should go out more with friends and colleagues.

You know what this means, he isn't interested in affection, conversation or anything that would nurture a relationship. He literally wants me out of the house so he can game and not have to make the effort of having a relationship.

Yes I've often wondered if someone you know readds your posts. Probably! Thats why I don't post things that would be "outing".

I found a book online called the Six Pillars of Intimacy. It sounds good. He isn't interested in intimacy but apparently there are six sorts. I didn't buy the book because it would be a waste pf money if hes not open to grow and change together.

fancy that,yes "someone you know reading your posts" did occur to me too.I suppose we,'ll never know!

Nana75

Just wondering if anyone knows what,s happening with OnwardandUpward? Haven't seen any of her posts lately.

I am beginning to realise that people post in different ways.

Some seem to post once about something and I dont notice them again.
Some post from time to time like this poster.
Then there are are regulars of course.
Those that seem to post frequently then disappear[change names perhaps].
And all those in between.

And then there are the lurkers. For every post replied to, there are statistically supposed to be another 9 people lurking who dont reply. Something like that.

It is those who bother me! And I being read regularly be someone I know in real life? And I will never know?!

What I cannot understand is what ever brought you two together in the first place. I can see the rationale of the 'safe' marriage, after a bad experirnce, but there must have been something that meant you initially noticed each other, talked, dated, one of you proposed marriage and the other accepted.

Just wondering if anyone knows what,s happening with OnwardandUpward? Haven't seen any of her posts lately.

Nana75 if you still have questions you can ask them. How dare he tell you what you are and are not allowed to discuss when he has been the one to hurt your feelings like this!

It's horrible that he felt it necessary to give her so much praise and I'm not surprised you found them hurtful. I would have too and was very hurt by my husband wanting to be in touch with his ex too. When we were having marriage problems I think he idealised her.

I think your husband is very unfair to waft the thought of divorce about when you mention what he did. I imagine if you were to consult a solicitor he would be laughing on the other side of his face.

I totally understand you not wanting to share more for privacy reasons. If you want to pm me that would be lovely, and yes I really hope things get a lot brighter for you. I don't feel at all optimistic for myself, I admit.

OnwardandUpward. I can't say whether he still thinks of her or whether he would still like to pursue a meeting.This is mainly because I,m not "allowed" to talk about it! I still have questions to ask regarding the various emails he sent her.Such as "why did he find it necessary to give her SO much praise".This involved various events in the past and some from recent "findings" !Sorry to be vague but I don't want to divulge too much just in case.........!Suffice to say I found the "lovely things that he "said"quite hurtful.Now if I dare to bring the email scenario up he gets really angry and brings up the subject of divorce.I'm pretty sure he doesn't mean it but the words are there all the same..I hope life is a bit brighter for you.It's comforting to hear how others are coping with their struggles.All we can really do is look forward to a brighter future!Watch this space!😊

@Nana75 I'm so glad you didn't have to go through that. Goodness knows what your husband was thinking! He could have apologised by email for dumping her.
I'm sure life has gone on to bring good things to her, such as marriage and children so I would have thought that she would be ok with whatever happened in the past. Also, it's very long in the past and she may not even remember what happened!

It seems very insensitive of him to say all of those things to you. I'm glad she didn't let him do it and hope he has got it out of his system now.

Thanks Nana75

The problem is as we know, one thing leads to another. I'm glad for you that he did not get his chance. I don't think looking backwards helps anyone.

I don't think my husband is gay, but bi. Otherwise he wouldn't have had curiosities about his ex.

I do know for sure that he is not "interested" in me and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. I try to keep in shape, eat healthy, make an effort to look nice all the time. None of it is "enough". He doesn't even pretend he finds me exciting.

Tomorrow after work I'm getting my hair done, for myself. I can't fix him, I can only do my best to feel ok about myself.

To OnwardandUpword,I can only imagine how you must have felt during that horrible,horrible time. I,m so glad you got through it but it must have left some scars.Yes I do wonder if DH wishes he and his ex had met.He explained he wanted to meet her once(I was invited at first)(not to the "secret meeting obviously!)to say goodbye in a nicer way!He had dumped her as a teenager! Yes he was going to give her a kiss" on the cheek"and a hug!WOW I would have LOVED being a spectator to that! I,m sending you lots of hugs.Stay strong😊

@Nana75 I'm sorry to hear that. I know its painful because something similar happened to me, except they did meet. Im glad for you that they didn't, except he might still wish they did? Him describing the first sexual experience with her must have been a hard thing for you to read. I hope you're able to recover and forgive. Not easy I know.

About 11 years ago I became seriously depressed because he denied me a baby and my biological clock was ticking. Before we married he had been agreeable about having a baby, but he'd changed. All his family and friends were in on it telling me what a bad idea it was. I was devastated. So, a deep depression and he was more than useless, no compassion or care at all - in fact he stayed away from me more than ever and refused to contact the GP.

He ended up moving out and I became so depressed that I lined up pills to end my life. I thought no one would ever love me and I really felt hopeless. At my lowest point, my husband did not show any care and my Mother was bullying me and getting other relatives to bully me accusing me of making it all up. I would have ended it all, except I realised it would be my kids that would find the body- and I couldn't do that to them.

After that I fought for myself. I limited contact with "DM" and other toxic sources. I did what I wanted to, enjoyed hobbies. Just stopped listening to the nastiness and accepted I wasn't going to get any emotional support or a baby. After several months of being single but staying friends with my husband, I took him back.

I think possibly before, he might have compared me with his ex girlfriend in many ways, from things he'd said that made me feel rubbish. By then, he had visited his ex girlfriend and all fantasies he might have had of their relationship had been extinguished. He claimed to me that she had put an advertisement in the local paper wanting to find him... but I have never been able to find evidence of that. Anyway, I felt satisfied that he had explored that and had decided I was the better option, after all.

It's rubbish isn't it. So here we are.

OnwardandUpward, Maybe you,'re fortunate.My DH was"bored and?depressed earlier this year.To relieve this he decided to try to reconnect with his first girlfriend!This was successful.They shared a few emails.No meeting she refused.There were a couple of messages which were especially hurtful to me.A attempted secret meeting(didn't happen) and HE describing their first(for both)sexual experience! Described in a very sweet,tender way! I,m still trying to recover and forgive.Not easy!I wish you the best in "finding" common ground with your DH.

Well we will never know for sure unless he has a test for Autism and it's unlikely that he would entertain the thought.

Many people are "on the spectrum" and I don't know how it really manifests in a relationship, for sure. I am surely on the spectrum myself and we have agreed before now that we both probably are.

Even if he is, he might not respond like another person on the Spectrum as there are so many differences.

Primrose53

I’m wondering if he’s on the autistic spectrum.

I thought this too.

@Choughdancer thanks for sharing your experience.

Yes I think he did feel ashamed and definitely confused. Im amazed he even told me as I knew there must be something. One of his best friends told me he was gay when we first got together, but he denied it and we had been intimate by then so I chose to believe him.

I am a good listener, I know about reflective listening , do it all the time. He just doesn't usually say enough for me to reflect on. When I think it's a good time, I will reflect back to him what he has already told me and see if he will speak.

As I've said already, not sure if it was here or my other post- I tell him everything but he rarely opens up at all beyond how his day at work was- so I do need to get him to expand on this- but the timing has to be right.

Thankyou so much

I would guess that his telling you of the unwanted touching when a young man was very brave of him, and he may have felt able to talk about it further. You couldn't help your reaction of being taken aback, but that (and seeing that you were upset about it) may well have stopped him talking more about it. If I were you I would ask about his feelings about it in a listening mode rather than hoping to get comfort yourself.

I was in a relationship a while ago with a man who told me about being touched by a man when he was still at school. He didn't tell anyone at the time and felt INCREDIBLY ashamed of it even though of course it was not his fault at all! It had haunted him for years, and he hadn't spoken of it until he did with me, 50 years later!

I don't think it was anything unusual that your husband reacted in that way to the touch, but it DOES sound as if he feels guilty? ashamed? of himself for reacting in that way. Just that doesn't mean that he is gay; more that he is disgusted with himself for a totally natural reaction.

Could you sit with him and listen? Reflective listening is a very useful skill to develop! www.suffolkmind.org.uk/advice-information/reflective-listening/

It sounds to me as if he has opened a huge door towards communication with you, which may lead to more closeness. I do wish you happiness whatever you decide to do.

Thanks Katie, I am happy enough living together. Well I think I am and then I realise how low in confidence I am due to the way things are mentally and emotionally.

I'm happy for you that you did what was right for you. I am still talking to a counsellor so I don't know what is right for me. I do know that when I am with some friends that my heart lifts and I feel joyful , though.

I hope I haven’t come across as judgemental O&U. It certainly wasn’t my intention. I sincerely apologise if I’ve upset you.

You are clearly unhappy. 20 years is a lot to be ‘missing something’. Maybe you ‘settled for safe’ at the beginning and it just isn’t enough now. The gay dalliance would have set off my internal Klaxon. However I recognise we are all different in that what one couple can accommodate, another just can’t.

I relate to the OP, much sympathy, after the children left home and 35 yrs of marriage we did nothing together and hardly spoke, no joy. Within 6 months I found a man that likes most things that I do, life is now full of joy, there is such a difference.

Thanks for the unflattering comments about our relationship. I did say something was missing!

It's a good thing I get to come online and talk about my feelings and that I am seeing a counsellor. The reason I do not ask him is simply that experience has taught me I will get nowhere. I tell him everything and I always have. He tells me nothing and he always has.

Yes he was nice to me in the beginning (aren't they all?!) , but I don't want to elaborate further seeing as some people seem to be quite judgemental.

The OP is having counselling. Fine. Probably best to leave her to that.

Well said MS. 😊

That’s the alternative to communicating I suppose. ‘Say nowt and carry on’. Good enough.
Until it isn’t.

Communication is key. Guess-ology is just daft.

I now think you’re very well suited. He doesn’t want to talk and you don’t push for answers.