Lack of connection, lack of joy.

PS Or maybe he would consider seeing a counsellor on his own, so he could explore his sexuality and any other issues he may have, plus whether he is happy in his marriage with you. Might be worth a chat along those lines ... Good luck.

Have you asked him if he is happy? If he is, then you need to make a decision as to whether you are willing to live as (at best) housemates and accept that or whether it is worth calling an end to it. If he isn't happy, maybe you should try a counsellor again. The fact that he doesn't like talking with a third person there (who really does?) might make that difficult, but if he is unhappy, he may need to accept that in order so you can BOTH have a happier life.

Why live in a safe boring relationship, sounds like neither of you live a happy life? You both need to have a discussion and plan either to do something about your relationship or go your separate ways. Life’s great living alone, you can pick and choose who you want to spend time with and do what you like. It’s not easy alone, but life is what you make it. You only life once….

Nana75 11 Dec:
Hopefully her plans will enable her to construct a new chapter in Life. Onwards and Upwards seems an appropriate theme to follow.
I hope the Festive Season is a nice time for everyone. And a peacefully one too.

I was wondering how everything is now for OnwardandUpward? Hoping her plans re workbook are proving useful.

Nana75. I bow to your opinion and wisdom as a woman. A Lady has a wealth of experience. I respect that. Opinions are healthy

I very much doubt being gay has much to do with "the birds and the bees"!However I think we should leave Onward to decide how to proceed with communication with her DH.She,after all is the expert in knowledge of her relationship

The husband is lacking communication because of the hurt it would cause to his wife who has suffered hurt in the past. It's certainly not helping his wife if is she is seeking the assistance of a Counsellor. Is that not cruelty in itself?

Nana75 / OnwardsandUpwards,

In my previous posts I mentioned that communication is the key. With that in mind I went through the post's again and comments from Onward.

In the comments her Husband tells her a man touched his private area and he got excited. A friend of his said he was gay. The Husband tells Onward he thinks he might be gay.
You don't require a Counsellor to explain the Birds and Bees. Common sense informs he is Bi or Gay in the situation if he feels excitement when a man touches him in a sexual manner

As well as communication, one has to "Listern" to what's already been said and analyse it. Perhaps then the way forward has some clarity for the Lady.

Nana75: OnwardsandUpward has been through difficult times on the communication with her DH. I doubt she is a Lady who anyone would consider an interrogator. She has the patience of a Saint and has never displayed and annoyance. That's a special trait to have considering the abuse she has seen in a previous relationship.

Never suffer in silence. Always seek answers in Life.

Martin0987; I think OnwardandUpward would be able to "read"her DH in that she would know him well enough to gauge how he would welcome conversation about the issue he had in his youth.She was probably wondering if he would open up and talk about said issue at a time of his choosing.From what the OP has said in her posts her DH does not communicate a lot therefore is unlikely to welcome" interrogation.

When your reach maturity the opportunities to extend ones horizon is endless. There are lot's of places you can visit, either for a day or a weekend. Lot's of different groups to join.

Just a change of environment for the day helps.

I'm luck where I live in that my free travel pass allows me to use it on Buses and Trains. Chester, West Kirby, New Brighton, Southport. All offer a new horizon and engaging with people.

Perhaps it presents new friendships to open for you.

Onwardsandupwards, (6 Nov)

I think when he told you about experiences with another man you ought to have opened the conversation as to his feelings in this area.

It might explain what's been happening throughout the years you've felt neglected. Communication is the secret of happy relationships. If the question remains unanswered ask yourself what future will lay ahead.

Just a genuine observation.

Thanks for all you've all contributed. I just want to say again, I don't see him as the baddie. I appreciate certain things about him.

I also accept that certain things will not change and that he has given me permission to seek out other company, although who knows what he means by that. Yes he probably is just as uncomfortable but I doubt much will change in our relationship. I will just develop more friendships and try to keep busy and amused.

I should have added,my DH "appreciated" my "trying to forgive" .We are going to have a discussion a about everything in January! Sorry if some of you are in the dark.I posted my "saga"a few weeks ago.

BlueBelle,I think you hit the nail on the head with your 23/11post.In my case sometimes the only thing that,s said is "whose turn is it to empty and load the dishwasher" or "what are we having for dinner?" I think some husbands/partners are lacking in communication skills,either that or they are just lazy and can,t be bothered or see the point of having a meaningful chat.Not that we wives/partners want continual conversation but SOME would be good!I think it's a true saying "can't live with them,can't live without them!" Although some GN,S would disprove that last statement.On a more serious note OnwardandUpward I hope your efforts re the workbook prove fruitful.Good luck and keep us posted!😊

BlueBelle - what a sensible and insightful message yours of the 23rd Nov was. So much of it rang true for me!

OnwardandUpward:

Remember to keep yourself in good spirit. You're doing the right things by eating well and taking care of your appearance. Think positive always. Get out more and see different surrounding. It could be the Museum, Art Gallery or take yourself for a coffee.

Feeling good about oneself is important.

Boredom, lack of joy and connection could be self made. It's a big world with plenty of interest and interesting people.
Lines of communicating and conversing with people is the way forward.

OnwardandUpward, good luck with going forward. I hope you have a positive outcome from your shared reading. As for myself; I have told DH I am working on forgiveness.I said it would take time and I probably will never forget.I also suggested that sometime in the not too distant future we could do "an analysis" of the whole thing,focusing on how each of us felt during and after the exchange of emails.He said he,'ll think about it.I,ll post his response when it happens.

You're right Nana75 and its nice to have the company. Im glad for you.

I ordered the book and its a workbook, so we'll work through it together.

"Onward"Yes I agree,seeing friends is fine in itself.I always have liked to meet up with different people and look forward to it.However,as you said it doesn't substitute for doing different things together as a couple.I suppose I,m reasonably lucky in that DH does enjoy going out for meals,visiting different places etc.So I shouldn't complain too much.But,and I feel a bit silly even admitting this(so don't laugh please) I sometimes find myself thinking if things had worked differently during his" quest "I could be doing all these things by myself! Be thankful for small mercies I suppose.Has your DH started his" reading "yet?I hope it proves useful and it helps your situation.

Thanks Nana75. I don't know if he would though, it's got to be a blow whatever gender you are! I think men are just better at hiding things or less in touch with their feelings, but I'm sure he would have been hurt too.

I suppose what hurt me a lot was last weekend when I tried so hard to address some of our problems and my husband just said he wasn't going to change and that I should spend more time with other people. The only thing any of us do have as a guarantee is change and it's necessary to be able to change in order to grow- also couples need to grow together or they will grow apart.

Well, the post was never intended as a dig at him, just as an honest summary of what IS. I fully accept that I married him when I was emotionally unavailable and that he is also emotionally unavailable. The only way forwards is if we are able to find a way to grow the intimacy that is lacking now that I'm more aware of the lack of it. There is a book called the Six Pillars of Intimacy, which I mentioned to him and he said he was willing to try reading it together. So maybe there is hope.

If that doesn't work though, I don't know. He is literally happy to spend his life gaming in an online space and obviously gets some sort of hit from that. He has recommended that I socialise more and I could do, but I am often just too tired after working hard all day. I am going to try and find some groups to join and make an effort to see friends more- but none of it will make up for what is lacking.

Having read your post,Onward,I think I can empathise.I sometimes wonder how and why DH and I got together,never mind stayed together for decades.We see and react to almost everything differently.For instance if I had gone"searching for a lost love "I'm pretty sure he would have got over the shock and hurt much sooner than I,m doing.He tend,s to deal with issues if and when they arise.I'm much more likely to think" what if this happens or oh dear I can,t cope if that happens. "We're all different I suppose and as they say,opposites attract!

He still wants me to sleep in the same bed (for company and warmth) but I suppose that's ultimately my choice as I have my own room.

No I don't see him as the baddie. I've had a lot of counseling and fully understand why we got together. I will explain when I have more time. Just going to work!