Am I selfish to want my adult kids at my home for holidays?

So it sounds harsh, but I think you are.
However it is totally understandable! Youngest D’s in-laws live just 10 miles from me and on the whole they are very good about asking me over eg for lunch if D, SIL and the little ones are visiting. Likewise driving me when we are invited to the “kids” (D is scrupulous about being even handed) but I can also feel outnumbered and a bit of Granny in the corner compared to the two of them.
But that’s my problem.
You need to find a way through this, divvying up the time or compromising or planning joint family gatherings if you are not going to become resentful - in which case you are the one who feels the pain. Your generosity of spirit will be seen and may make spending time with you even more attractive.
Good luck with finding a more positive way through this - sharing is always hard but being selfish (even understandably) will only end in (your) tears.

extended family

So are Grandarents just extended family? CornflowerBlue

Right, I know my place now!!

Yes you are being selfish. It seems that you are afraid to just be the two of you over christmas.

I decided a long time ago that these small families need their own valuable time together, it is so frazzling for young people these days. They need the rest and relaxation as their own unit

We do have gatherings but always timed such that the main break is left for them, it helps their relationships and bonding so why spoil it for them OP?

I have always said that my family members should be wherever they wanted, or felt they needed, to be for Christmas. As long as they are happy I am happy.

You might want it to be all family together like old times believe me if you are like ours it will never happen.
Our family decided after one came back from abroad all their married life we would have Christmas together it happened last year and in-laws declined to join in.
Before anyone was thinking of Christmas except the shops, they invited our family who had come back excluding all the other ones.
Just keep on smiling you'll get together sometime and make happy memories Christmas isn't always the best time anyway.

RiverRun

My kids are all grown and living their own lives. Two are married and have small children and the other is in a relationship. One lives an hour away and the other two live over a thousand miles away. So it’s hard to get them together at the same time due to work and life. My husband and I live in the same town as his family and my Dad. Usually, one or 2 of the kids will be to visit but not all three. So a few months ago we finally had them together for the first time in over 5 years. My husband and I were so excited to have them together in our home doing things as a family and making memories and bonding again. Well, my husband’s family had all these plans and wouldn’t leave us alone and wanted us to come over 3 or 4 days out of the 6 days here. We invited all of them over for a pool party and went over to my in-laws a couple of times. If they had their way, we’d be there all the time. My in-laws have their adult kids (my husbands, brothers and sisters) living in the same town and they see them all the time. One actually lives next door. They act like it’s all about them. When my husband and I were young parents and lived off, we would make many trips home for the holidays and visit and bring our kids to see their grandparents. We didn’t go to great grandma’s and all the extended families homes. We thought our parents were the priority, so why can’t they leave us alone and let us have the same with our kids and grandkids. My husband says it’s time for us to make memories at our house with or adult kids and grandkids. Am I being selfish?

I read OP the same way as Cornflower
My opinion is that OP's kids and GC will want to see OP's dad and MIL & FIL who presumably are quite old and perhaps it would be better to have shorter/smaller visits.
As for OP's husband's siblings, I adore my nephews and nieces but I wouldn't expect then to visit me at the expense of my sister!
Perhaps organising an evening get-together for old school friends, with OP and DH babysitting might be an idea.
The pool party sounded a lovely way to get family together.

When my 3 and their families happen to be all in the area I accept:
- they will not stay with me ... one of my DDs has space for them all so the cousins can have a great time rampaging around together.
- that old school friends will engage some of their time.
- that they will go off on hikes in the fabulous countryside here ... hikes that I cannot manage!
- that I will slot in round the things they have planned.

I have no problem with any of this. I know they will make sure that I am included where possible.
I do not begrudge them these other things that do not include me. I am genuinely happy that they are getting the most out of life. They welcome me with open arms when we are together.

YABU, but maybe not as U as someone I know, whose long grown up dd said they and their family (all teen Gdcs) would like to stay at home for Christmas for once.

She went into a massive sulk - they’d been coming to her every year for 20 odd years!

I was surprised when I read everyone's comments! I read the OPs opening comment as they had, after 5 years, managed to have all three of their children visiting at the same time, and they were thrilled. But their extended family wouldn't leave them alone, wanting to be involved in everything they did, when they would have liked to have some time alone with their kids - after all, five years is a long time, and your kids are always going to be your priority, surely. Have I read this wrong? If not, then, no, I don't think the OP is being at all selfish - of course she wants to spend time just their family together, it's very precious. She should arrange times with extended family so that everyone gets to enjoy the visit, but make it clear that some days are just for them and their kids. I don't see why anyone would criticise her for that ..... assuming I've read this right! Apologies if I haven't! As for getting all your children together at the same time, surely most of us have that problem, if you have a few kids, as we all have lives to fit everything around. It's wonderful when it happens, but not something that's necessarily going to happen very often. If it does, you're very lucky!

Cant stand this term "making memories".

The other thing to add is that when my adult children (the ones who live 1000s of miles away) are home they seem to be a magnet for their "old friends" to keep "dropping in" of suddenly whisking them off to playparks (for the children) and meals out - or parties!

This doesn't happen if you are away on holiday together.

You are not selfish, just completely unrealistic.

I think it's unrealistic rather than selfish. I realised ages ago that it's impossible to gather my crowd together without anyone else as my family has become so extended. The idea of going away on a family holiday is worth considering though.

We almost never get all our lot together. Just the way it is. I’m glad they are living independent happy lives, that is enough for me.

I understand how you feel and you are not being selfish.

Yes

As an aside, I truly loved my parents but if I had not many holiday days each year I would not have wanted to use all of them at my parent's house. I would have wanted to have holidays mainly with my own family.

I am delighted if my adult children want to bring their families to visit - but I certainly don't expect them to co-ordinate with their siblings as well.

Obviously it's lovely if the "whole family" can get together but they are adults now with different priorities and often, busy, complicated lives.
Also, as families grow in number (and grandchildren become adults) it gets harder and harder.

I'd say, enjoy what time you do have.

If you are all at your home, and your in-laws and family are only a stone's throw away, I can see why they might want to include everyone in the "fun". ... I can also see how you might find this annoying. I think it's unavoidable unless you are brutal to be honest as they are just being friendly

If you want your children and their families to yourself you may have to consider going away with them... We booked a villa in Italy so we could all be together for a few days. I know others on here have done the same.

This was 5 years ago probably now - and since then we have only been "all together" for one day and a wedding.

Like you, we live a long way from some of our children.
Enjoy what you have.
You cannot turn the clock back.

I'm confused.

You call them my kids - are they not your husband's children too?
Are your children not your parents-in-law's grandchildren, the little ones their great-grandchildren.

Or have I got this wrong?

Am I being selfish?
Yes

Try not to look at it as some sort of competition about who should get the most time

As children grow they have more and more time commitments, responsibilities and people who matter to them they want to see

Just enjoy your times together

Thinking like this will spoil what you do have

It's not all about you either.

Of course it is lovely to have all our children together at the same time, but it isn't always possible, when they become adults.
To be honest, I find it all a bit controlling, sorry!

Yes.