Am I selfish to want my adult kids at my home for holidays?

Yours sounds idyllic Elegran I would have loved a Christmas like that as a child.😃

NotSpaghetti

*Elegran*, unlike you, when ^our children were small we resented feeling obligated to spend "every second Christmas with each pair of grandparents" as it felt like a duty when we just wanted to be at home.

This is irrespective of how much we loved them - which we did.

We didn't spend ALL of Christmas Day with either of them. The children opened their stockings at home (only small things and fruit and a tiny bar of chocolate!) and we made a bit of a ceremony about a special breakfast with fresh orange juice, home made bread and a home-cooked joint (there was an ulterior motive here, as it gave a solid base before the serious chocolate guzzling started) After breakfast was over, we opened our own presents to and from the children and each other, and for the rest of the morning we were just a nuclear family on our own home.

We arrived at grandparents in time to help with the last bits of meal preparation (neither was more than half an hour away) eating it and clearing up, then settled down to opening a further heap of presents (handed out from under the tree by the children, even the youngest doing his share). The children played with what they had received while the adults, drinks in hand, watched the Queen's speech (obligatory)

After that and some more sitting around, it was time for the rolls filled with turkey and cranberry sauce (just as obligatory) We soon reached that familiar point where the youngest was getting tired and cranky and clearly needed to be taken home and put to bed. The rest of the evening was peacefully spent back in our own home.

The children had three sessions of opening new parcels, so they were not smothered in new toys all at once, and the adults knew where each gift came from so knew who to thank for it. Sitting down quietly was built-in to the proceedings, so no-one was exhausted and frazzled, and none of the adults ever drank enough to get "tired and over-emotional" or pick fights.

Plus, and this is a big factor in harmonious festive gatherings, general relationships between adults for the rest of the year were good, so there were no lingering resentments about excessive control or past grudges waiting to surface.

I realise that if you have to travel a long way to grandparents and/or to stay there for several days, it can be very tiring and claustrophobic and it needs careful planning and management if you are not all to get thoroughly tired of one another's company!

Mizuna

I think it's unrealistic rather than selfish. I realised ages ago that it's impossible to gather my crowd together without anyone else as my family has become so extended. The idea of going away on a family holiday is worth considering though.

I agree.
Not selfish for you to want to have your own family get together, but difficult to arrange.Your in-laws are being selfish by demanding too many days for you all to be at theirs.
Either plan a holiday together somewhere or be firm with other relatives and only mix for two days.Good luck.

We only have one side of the story. I would love to hear about the in-law's perspective.

Whethertomorrow

I’m sorry but I think what the OP is saying that it is a rare occurrence for all her children to get together all at the same time. Instead of being left to enjoy this by her in-laws, who she sees all the time due to their proximity, they intruded repeatedly on her rare time. I do not think she is being selfish in the slightest.

Agreed.

It seems OP is saying she and her husband don't see their children all together much - why is there a need for intrusion by OPs in-laws? She says they have their children near, surely that is enough.

CornflowerBlue

I was surprised when I read everyone's comments! I read the OPs opening comment as they had, after 5 years, managed to have all three of their children visiting at the same time, and they were thrilled. But their extended family wouldn't leave them alone, wanting to be involved in everything they did, when they would have liked to have some time alone with their kids - after all, five years is a long time, and your kids are always going to be your priority, surely. Have I read this wrong? If not, then, no, I don't think the OP is being at all selfish - of course she wants to spend time just their family together, it's very precious. She should arrange times with extended family so that everyone gets to enjoy the visit, but make it clear that some days are just for them and their kids. I don't see why anyone would criticise her for that ..... assuming I've read this right! Apologies if I haven't! As for getting all your children together at the same time, surely most of us have that problem, if you have a few kids, as we all have lives to fit everything around. It's wonderful when it happens, but not something that's necessarily going to happen very often. If it does, you're very lucky!

This is how I read it last night as well. I was starting to wonder after reading the comments if I was missing some crucial information

Whethertomorrow

I’m sorry but I think what the OP is saying that it is a rare occurrence for all her children to get together all at the same time. Instead of being left to enjoy this by her in-laws, who she sees all the time due to their proximity, they intruded repeatedly on her rare time. I do not think she is being selfish in the slightest.

That's what I thought too, and a few others. And like a few others I think she is being a bit unrealistic rather than selfish. I don't understand about the making memories bit though, does it matter if in-laws are a part of those memories? We include in-laws in all family gatherings, keeps the peace in so many ways.

Elegran, unlike you, when ^our children were small we resented feeling obligated to spend "every second Christmas with each pair of grandparents" as it felt like a duty when we just wanted to be at home.

This is irrespective of how much we loved them - which we did.

It's proper to feel what you want and would not help anyone if you deny having feelings. However it would be dictatorial to make them feel guilty if they preferred to do something else.

Circumstances alter cases, therefore if you have some great need for their attendance on you it may be selfish of them if they ignored your great need.

When our childen were young, we spent every second Christmas with each pair of grandparents, until all four died within a five-year period. After that it was just our nuclear family for a few years, then one by one the children married and set up their own homes and wanted to celebrate there. Our Christmas pattern changed. Now those of the family who live reasonably near take turns hosting the Day. The one sibling who lives at the other end of the country sees inlaws but phones here on Christmas Day while the others are all together, so is in contact.

I foresee that when I am no longer around, they will still take turns, and the grandchildren will continue the tradition, so contact will not be lost.

This year it is my turn. I know I could chicken out if it became too much, but I do like to have them under my roof (most of them, anyway)

but they were all staying with you weren't they? wasn't that enough?

Ooh, a lecture, CornflowerBlue 😁

We rarely get together due to logistics but, if we do, make sure other in-laws are included as they do us.

i think you are being a little selfish, what about your adult children wanting to make holiday memories in their own homes with their children, why do they need to come to you. i have one son who has a family, i don't expect them to come to mine at christmas, i have spent the last two on my own, my choice. i did the same when i had my son, christmas was ours even though my mum lived around the corner.
it is difficult with work and kids for all the family to have time off all at the same time. i don't see my grandson as often now that he is nursery full time, but we facetime and i see pictures, i am happy for them to have holidays and time to make special days for them as a family.

Not everyone likes the "big family" christmas. In fact some of us find it horrendous with squabbling relatives, whingeing kids and no privacy. I think you have to accept that some members of your extended clan may wish to be with just their immediate family or even alone. I would hate for someone to think they needed to visit me over christmas as a duty just because it was that time of year.

Crossed posts, WhatamIdoinghere You said exactly what i was trying to. "Do as you would be done by", or you could find that a precedent has been set and it becomes "Be done by as you did."

By definition, Callistemon21, grandparents are indeed extended family! I was generalising by saying 'extended family'. I didn't say grandparents weren't important, but as a grandparent myself, I do not expect to come first before my children in my grandchildrens eyes, nor do I expect to come before my grandchildren, to my children, their parents. And before you say it, Callistemon21, I do expect my kids to do whatever they want with their own lives, and see whom they choose whenever they choose, and am always happy to see them, but don't demand anything of them.
Wikipedia
en.wikipedia.org › wiki › Extended_family
An extended family is a family that extends beyond the nuclear family of parents and their children to include aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins or other ...

Yes, rather self-centred in that she wants to have HER children and grandchildren in her house over the holidays, but doesn't appreciate that her parents-in-law and family want to see THEIR children and grandchildren and greatgrandchildren.

When the OP's grandchildren are grown and have their own children, will the OP then take a back seat while they visit her own children's home but not hers, as she wants her parents-in-law to do ? Her children will then be in the same position that SHE is in now - the grandmother. How will she feel if she is grudged then what she grudges now?

Will it always be just her own home that should be the "family home" and the centre where everyone should congregate and no other, or will she love them all enough to let go a little and let them experience some of the pleasure of "having them home"?

There is a happy balance to be found, and there are compromises to make. All the generations (and the siblings too) need to have their turn hosting the family, and in turn allowing others to do so.

Aren't your in-laws - assuming you mean your dh's parents - their grandparents, too? Surely they are just as entitled to see their grandchildren as you are? Just because they are staying at yours doesn't give you exclusive rights.

Good point, whethertomorrow. The domineering inlaws do seem a bit of a pain. Family dynamics.

Perhaps OP could, as fancythat suggests, talk to her kids about how she feels and see if they would rather fob off the other side of the family too.

I "let" mine do what they want.
It is their time too.

Having said that, you could have a joint discussion with all of them and say your feelings.
Then let them decide

I’m sorry but I think what the OP is saying that it is a rare occurrence for all her children to get together all at the same time. Instead of being left to enjoy this by her in-laws, who she sees all the time due to their proximity, they intruded repeatedly on her rare time. I do not think she is being selfish in the slightest.

Sorry Baggs not sure how I accidentally quoted you! 🙄

Baggs

I think the OP is being self-centred rather than selfish.

Not sure the OP actually meant Christmas to be honest... though it can obviously be read that way.

I think the OP is being self-centred rather than selfish.

It's sad when one day in the year is made such a big deal of so that people's emotions get all tangled up with expectations, wants and so forth.

This is not scroogeism on my part, just a dislike of what, nowadays, is a massive and ridiculous amount of fuss.

So I'm with shysal. My kids can do what they like with whomever they like, wherever they like. If they're happy I'm happy too. Including perfectly happy to spend Christmas Day with only MrB. I don't need Christmas Day to be special or distinct. Special and dsitinct days can happen any time. And they do.