I don’t want to see my son anymore

First of all, please accept my sympathy that your DH is in a nursing home. I know how sad that must feel.

DH and I had this situation at the beginning of DS's relationship with DiL. It was very sad and upsetting. I won't list the ways in which she seemed at the time to be trying not to let DS have anything to do with his family. I think she was feeling insecure and behaved in a possessive way with DS.

What healed the situation was that we got on so well with her parents. Is there any way you can contact your DiL's parents and find a friendly relationship with them?

Good luck. I hope you can all heal this siutation.

Smileless2012

I think it would be reasonable if it was the OP's invitation at her home Madgran although we don't know if that's the case.

True Smileless I assumed the OPs daughter had invited all to her house.

It is rude either way.

I think it would be reasonable if it was the OP's invitation at her home Madgran although we don't know if that's the case.

Notjustaprettyface

Thank you again everyone
I will reread all messages but I think what threw me over the edge was the fact he refused to come to his sisters birthday celebrations after having accepted the invitation initially
I would never do that , I think it’s extremely rude and however we might disagree him and me , he shouldn’t have done that
He hasn’t apologised so it’s difficult to see the way forward

It his for his sister to address that with him, not you

I wonder if OP wants her son to visit on Christmas Day in the nursing home? Going in to visit her DH on her own must be poignant especially if it’s his first Christmas there or possibly his last. I haven’t noticed any background to this situation. Keep doors open .

Hello again Notjustaprettyface Here is an example of what happens when you stop talking to people and cut them out of your life. A relative constantly did this to family/friends over the years without giving any reasons. After a little while she would make contact again as though nothing had happened. People got fed up with this and did not allow her back into their lives. We cannot just pick people up and put them down when we feel like it. She ended up a very lonely person. Think carefully and hard about your future and what disowning your family will feel like in years to come. If that feels right for you then go ahead it is your life and your decision as to whether to embrace your Son or let him go. Just do what feels right for you and what your heart tells you.

I understand you're upset but it really isn't your business any longer whether or not he attends his sister's birthday party that's between them. The days when you could manage the relationship between your children are long gone, don't get involved. He may have acted rudely but it's no longer your place to comment on it. If he's rude to you, pull him up on it, call it out like you would with any other adult. You don't have to accept being treated badly by anyone, least of all your son. You need to transition to an adult relationship with each other. You will always be his mother and he will always be your adult son, not a child.

Unfortunatley I can relate to this--I know we should perhaps not feel this way about our own sons..I guess its about having that conversation with him..just be honest and speak fom your heart..thats all you can do

Demanding an apology doesn't get a genuine one

I think maybe you need to apologise really and start the ball rolling on sorting this out

But for the birthday, it isn't you he owes an apology too, it is his sister

I do understand how lonely and vulnerable one can feel when a spouse goes into a nursing home and life is turned upside down. This is all the more reason to try to keep on good terms with the rest of the family. No demanding apologies!
I am sorry things feel so bad for you just now.

Please try to forget the non-appearance at the birthday celebrations and lack of apology. In the grand scheme of things it’s very trivial. There are far worse things in life. Let it go. You are stopping yourself from moving forward.

Thank you again everyone
I will reread all messages but I think what threw me over the edge was the fact he refused to come to his sisters birthday celebrations after having accepted the invitation initially
I would never do that , I think it’s extremely rude and however we might disagree him and me , he shouldn’t have done that
He hasn’t apologised so it’s difficult to see the way forward

Thank you for coming back and saying a bit more.

I think Mamasperspective's comments are worth reading twice.

Thinking of you.

notjusta you sound like 2 peas, hold fire, sleep on it else you'll be sorry, there’s things in life so much better than falling out with family.
You’re son will always be your son, best not to make his decisions to suit yours, bite your tongue dear mother just remember with love that wee baby that popped out of you all those years ago.

I don't think that anyone is accusing you of lying @notjustaprettyface just simply being unreasonable and having unfair expectations. You immediately jumped to blaming DIL when perhaps your son prefers spending time with her family also. You getting into conflict with him and placing blame on the woman he loves most in the world before anyone else will not create harmony, it will only create divide. You are going to end up losing access to your grandchild and, not because anyone is using your grandchild as a weapon (when I hear that, it always makes me roll my eyes) but because they will see your behaviour as emotionally immature, emotionally manipulative and toxic and they won't want that influence around their child.

Your best course of action would be to reach out and apologise, tell them that you're just upset because you miss them which has made you lash out. Reach out to DIL, take accountability for your behaviour and tell her that you would like to try to build a closer relationship with her at HER pace. You're never going to have a close relationship with your grandchild if you can't treat DIL with love and respect.

As for DIL spending more time with her family, yes that's normal - things don't have to be equal. These are people's lives we are talking about, this isn't a football match where you should be keeping score. Just be grateful for what you do get and appreciate that time.

I think you should pull back because you are being over sensitive. Your son doesn’t have to see you Christmas or have to agree with your requests. If he did pull out of a birthday celebration at the last minute without explanation, that's rude but you don’t know the circumstances. You should be mindful that he could have worries of his own. His responsibilities first and foremost is his wife and child. and why do you assume it’s all his wife’s fault, he has a mind of his own. Do not estrange your son because believe me as one who is estranged, it’s awful, you should want your son happy and if you only see him once or twice a year it’s his decision, but that’s better than never seeing him. No one wants to see anyone that’s on their case all the time.

I think it is really sad that you have fallen out over how they want to spend Christmas

Shouldn't we want for our children to be happy for Christmas? Is that not a gift to us knowing they are happy? That we did it, and brought them to full maturity and adulthood living life on their own terms?

I know the day is coming when some of my children don't spend the holidays with me but I don't need Christmas as a measure of how close and supportive we are.

Please don't burn those bridges and don't blame the DIL as that will surely make things worse

Relationships with adult children are often difficult. Especially when they have partners and children. All you can do is extend an invitation and hope they accept. Keep doing this in spite of repeated set backs and you will sometimes get everyone together as you wish. Having all the family together at Christmas is great but you can’t expect it every year.

You say your son is rude and you don't like his wife so why do you want to spend Christmas with them? It is coming across that you just want to control him.

Thank you all for your comments
I didn’t expect so many but it’s great that you have taken the time to comment
I wasn’t looking for a blessing from you
I was genuinely wondering if anybody else was in the same situation and I know some people are but perhaps not on gransnet
This is not something I have wished for and I agree with most of the things you say but I am not in a good place at the moment and I could do without my son being unkind
I wanted to keep my initial post short so I didn’t mention that it’s not just about Christmas, my son has been criticising me on several accounts , he thinks he can be rude to me but apparently this doesn’t work both ways
My Dil constant prioritises her family , it’s a classic isn’t it
It proves that old saying : a son is a son until …
She is cold and aloof
You don’t have to believe me of course but I am not a liar
It’s all very sad and I thank you for your advice which I am sure is very sound but right now I am going to keep my distance from my ungrateful son

I can assure you, the way to a married son’s heart is through his wife. Be nice to her and you’re on to a winner. That’s life.

I think you are cutting off your nose to spite your face tbh, why must you take precedence over his wife and family, and I think this is the thing that makes you blame her for everything but I am sorry you are in the wrong, you should make them welcome whenever they visit , Christmas is not just one day. You can celebrate any day but if you keep trying to be Queen Bee, I am sorry you will end up being a sad and bitter old lady who ends up alone.

You can't call his wife a "bad influence", you make him sound like a little boy that doesn't know his own mind and has picked up with a bad crowd. No wonder there's friction.

Germanshepherdsmum

So many people only want the kind of advice which tells them they’re right,

Indeed. No self reflection.

So many people only want the kind of advice which tells them they’re right,