Need a Man to make you happy?

MOnica, I’m economically independent, something I was determined to be after a mistaken brief young marriage. I enjoyed life with mr i, we holidayed together and separately. We shared friends and also had other friendships that were less entwined.
He died 15 months ago, after a devastating diagnosis 6 mi this earlier. I miss him more than I have words to describe. Independence is one thing, emotional mutual dependence is part of love I believe. The love lives on despite his physical absence

Katie59 To begin with, most women now, take maternity leave and go back to work, so remain economically independent.

Apart from that, if a woman has a job that she can return to, she may decide when her children are young to work less or not at all, but if she has a proper career and keeps herself up to date, she can go out at any point and get back on the work ladder and support herself and her family.

In the days before nurseries and child minders, I stopped work when I had my children, but went back to work earlier than originally planned when DH's job and whole industry hit the buffers in 1973. I got a returners job within weeks and a job at the level I had previously worked at 6 months later.

It is women who generally go part time when they have children, this impacts on promotion, financial independence etc, the gender pay gap is actually more a motherhood pay gap.
I am not sure what you mean by a proper career but many many people have jobs rather than a career.

Iam64 What you are speaking of is not what I would describe as being emotionally dependent. To me emotionaal dependence means totally being unable to function without that person.

A very dear friend died last year, Her husband, a lovely man, was emotionally completely dependent on her. Before her sudden death, he was showing some signs of memory loss. In the 6 weeks between her death and funeral, he had a complete collapse. A few days after her death I visited him and he was entirely rational and functioning. At her funeral, he clearly had no idea who I was and a few weeks later went into care. I have visited since and he has no memory of anything of his past life. Even his son, who visits regularly does not think his father really knows who he is. His father is not yet 75.

This is what I mean by emotional dependance. I would not say anything that would suggest a diminution in the sense of loss and grief at the loss of someone very dear, but that in my mind is not emotional dependence. Of course you miss someone close, but you can still get yourself up in the morning, look after your home and yourself, get about outside, unless you have physical problems,

Over my life I have seen several cases where, when one spouse goes the other completely collapses, in much the manner described above.

We were married for 50 years until he sadlydied nearly 10 years ago. I met my husband when we were 18 years of age and if I cannot have my husband there is not a cat in hells chance of me wanting another man. The only man who ever made me happy was my late husband.

You can live without a partner, because if you can’t manage the state will pay the essentials, but no partner means no childcare so it’s pretty tough. It doesn’t matter if your partner is same sex it’s much easier, but, the man or woman has got to be reliable, if they aren’t you’re better off on benefits.

I worked all through my married life, rearing 4 children along the way, because there was no childcare I worked mostly, nights as an SRN later Midwife. 3 or 4 nights a week I was mostly earning more than my husband, no childcare cost and a decent pension.

Like many women find when you are at or close to retirement the kids have flown the nest life changes, and if your partner does not share your interests for whatever reason, my life got very difficult because then despite 30 or 40 yrs together there was nothing to hold us together.

Galaxy

It is women who generally go part time when they have children, this impacts on promotion, financial independence etc, the gender pay gap is actually more a motherhood pay gap.
I am not sure what you mean by a proper career but many many people have jobs rather than a career.

Many have no proper career or job, happily staying home with children.

Norah - happily staying at home with children is another thing altogether. Women who choose not to work and can afford not to, may also sacrifice independence

Iam64

Norah - happily staying at home with children is another thing altogether. Women who choose not to work and can afford not to, may also sacrifice independence

I suppose sahm could sacrifice independence, they also could be content and totally independent. Matter of view and choices.

Being a sahm is fine - if your marriage lasts, but as 42% of marriages end in divorce and the figure for unmarried partnerships - even with children is even higher. It is a big risk to take. You may be lucky as Norah or I have been, but the chances are even

Someone may well be a contented sahm, but you could also find themselves at any age out on the street and needing to be self supporting for themselves and children. If they are over 40 and haven't worked for many years or not at all, or have no work skills, that will be very difficult.

It doesn't have to be divorce. My grandmother and great-grandmother were both left widows in their 30s, with a family to support. My DDiL's father died when she and her sister were in infant school, leaving her mother to cope alone. Other women have had husbands left disabled and unable to work.

Being an sahm is fine if every throw of the dice falls in your favour, but as we know the probability of throwing sixes every time you throw dice is low. I believe that one should always plan for the worst and hope for the best.

M0nica

Being a sahm is fine - if your marriage lasts, but as 42% of marriages end in divorce and the figure for unmarried partnerships - even with children is even higher. It is a big risk to take. You may be lucky as Norah or I have been, but the chances are even

Someone may well be a contented sahm, but you could also find themselves at any age out on the street and needing to be self supporting for themselves and children. If they are over 40 and haven't worked for many years or not at all, or have no work skills, that will be very difficult.

It doesn't have to be divorce. My grandmother and great-grandmother were both left widows in their 30s, with a family to support. My DDiL's father died when she and her sister were in infant school, leaving her mother to cope alone. Other women have had husbands left disabled and unable to work.

Being an sahm is fine if every throw of the dice falls in your favour, but as we know the probability of throwing sixes every time you throw dice is low. I believe that one should always plan for the worst and hope for the best.

I believe the 42% divorce rate is current. I read somewhere (can't remember where?) people married in the 1950s were divorced to less than 20% rate. Doesn't actually matter, people make do as you further explained your 3 widow examples. People get jobs, they re-train, they go to school - if/when needs must.

I planned for the worst. I planned on running my husband's business if needed. Best happened, I stayed home with our children.

OP was about 'needing a man' - yes, I need my man. I would miss my companion terribly if he were not quite near, not his earnings.

Norah You are not a sahm and from everything you write never have been because you have always been an integral part of your DH's business that you could plan to run it if he was not there.

To think that you can just rely on picking yourself up and doing training or something if left alone is a better option than having an occupation to return to is to live in cloud cuckoo land. Yes, I habe known women do that but many more fail ever to get above the minimum wage level, although capable of so much more because of the sheer difficulty of finding the time or money to return when on a low salary and having children to care for or support on your own.

Monica your dear friend’s husband may have had Alzheimer’s/dementia and his deterioration nothing to do with ‘emotional dependence’ on his wife.

RosesMaw has put it perfectly. The great love for one particular person cannot be replicated. My DH died seven years ago. We met when I was 18 and now there is a shadow across my heart. However, I am now content and busy, enjoying a full life. It would be useful to have someone really practical around (my failing) but living alone is quite satisfying.
My DH was fourteen years older than me and as many gransnetters will know, with elderly men there can be an expectation of the traditional wife’s role: meal on the table every night etc. I’m certainly not looking for that now…

For all the criticism of men’s ways, I can think of many women whose lifestyle and ways would drive me mad. So much compromise has to be made living together, I’ll not do it again.
I read somewhere that when a couple live together, one party always gives in.
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Wow. Of course we can!!!!!!!!!!

hollysteers His rapid descent over six weeks from being entirely self-functioning, to complete dependence with total loss of memory, is quite exceptional and, without a doubt his dependence on his wife played a significant part.

I have some experience of dementia and know how variable it can be - and also how quickly it can deteriorate after the loss of a partner. The speed this happened was quite exceptional.

I don’t think you need a man to make you happy
You should work on yourself to be a happier person I’m happily married but certainly wouldn’t want to be without my husband.

Absolutely not 😂😂

75year old man, widower for 18 months, reconciled to being alone but still not used to it. I am fortunate with family and friends but a new relationship does not appeal.
Although in reasonable nick (I hope!), at my age I can't be a good investment.

carmen54 I was suddenly widowed 7 years ago, after 35 years together.

Our marriage wasn't great, probably not that compatible. I met a man online within 10 months. The physical part has been a revelation- wasn't in my marriage- but he is hard work.

We don't live together and I've never introduced him to my kids. They wouldn't like him as he he's a bit unstable, hasn't got any money, and I'm quite comfortable. But he introduced me to art and adds frisson to my already full life.

If you want that sort of physical/spiritual relationship, without strings, I can recommend it. However, watch out for catching feelings and becoming needy. It's not like the comfort of being in a long marriage.

I really do recomnend finding things that fill your life first.. hobbies, friends, creative endeavours, travel etc, then you won't become co dependent on the man.

My granny was a widow for forty years and always said why should she wash another mans socks, my mother followed her in this opinion, mind you they had happy marriages, my grans very short. I have been married for 56 years and have no idea how I would be.

I didn’t meet my husband til mid 30’s and I’d been single, happy, independent and self sufficient with my son for many years.

We’ve now been together for 30 years and happily married with 3 more children.

If anything should happen to him or our marriage, heaven forbid, I doubt I’d go looking for another partner. I’m happy on my own.

My husband died unexpectedly almost 2 years ago after 48 years of marriage.
I didn't think I could cope without him as he was my best friend.
Fortunately, we had discussed our feelings about death and how we would like our grief to be expressed when one of us died.
Both of us wanted the other to just live a good life and that is what I'm doing to the best of my ability.
I have a close, loving family and good friends.
I have no need of a man in my life.

Like some others here I'm fortunate in having a long and happy marriage with a caring man whom I love dearly. Alongside what we do together we've both always made sure to have our own interests, hobbies, & activities - all of which make us happy. Like fiorentina51 we've discussed what happens when one of us is in our own: we each want thr other to have a happy life. I would marry DH again in a heartbeat but I can't imagine marrying again. I'd miss him for the person he is, rather than for being "a man", if that makes sense. I know of many widows who go on to live happy lives - without seeking "a man" - after experiencing (and often still living with) grief.

I’m happier alone (with pets )than I ever was in my 2 unhappy marriages

ceejayjay

I’m happier alone (with pets )than I ever was in my 2 unhappy marriages

You and me both. My date last Saturday did not seem all that happy the way I greeted my "girls" when I got home. He seemed a bit jealous actually.