Son taking fiancés surname when married

Normal is accepting that adult kids run their own lives how they please.

Feeling hurt about something unexpected but harmless is just silly.

GrannyRose15

In Iceland everyone keeps the name they got at birth. Along with the small number of people, it causes immense problems when dating - working out if you are related or not.

I believe in Iceland they have an app you can use when it comes to dating to check if you’re related..

Catherine28

Our son getting married next year, has decided to take his fiancés surname when married. She’s an only child and wants to keep her surname going for future generations. We feel very hurt and upset by this. Is this normal?

It's not clear, to me, why you're hurt and upset.

Yes, it's normal to move off of the old sexist traditions.

Also quite normal for the new wife to keep her own name.

I like the american system where a woman retains her maiden name i.e Barbara Taylor Bradford, without hyphens; perhaps the son could do this, as in John Bloggs Smith or John Smith Bloggs. It is up to subsequent children whether they choose to retain it, and of course depends on how their name is registered at birth.
But changing names is a minefield.

Yes, it is normal to feel hurt if you do not agree with their decision

However, you have no call on that at all.

How you handle this will determine the rest of the relationship with them and their future kids

Catherine28

Our son getting married next year, has decided to take his fiancés surname when married. She’s an only child and wants to keep her surname going for future generations. We feel very hurt and upset by this. Is this normal?

I mean for years the incredibly sexist tradition of a woman having to take a man’s last name was just expected and her family always was expected to be understanding. Why is this different?

A lovely thing for your son to do Catherine 28 you have raised him to be a kind and thoughtful man be proud of him not disappointed.

I wish I had kept my dads name but I d never heard of anyone doing that and was so much ‘in love’ it seemed lovely to link us with his name as I ve got older and more thoughtful (and more divorced) and as times have changed so much I wish I had thought of it and done it at the beginning
It ll be interesting to see what my grandkids do, my eldest granddaughter relinquished her name on marriage (my only grandchild married) but I see now she has parted company (although not yet divorced) she has started using her family name again

My son knows a couple who didn’t like either of their surnames, so they chose another one that they both liked.

Juliet27

I wish I’d kept my surname - much preferred it to the one I automatically took but that’s how it generally was in the past.

Me too. I did think about keeping my own name, but it seemed to create too many difficulties at the time. My DIL has kept her own name, but the children have my son’s.

When you think about it, it is bizarre to give up your (one’s) name, as if you become a different person on marriage.

My DFs' surname = M was quite unusual locally though quite common up in the North East of Scotland. My DM's Family name = W was very common in the village where we lived because Great Granny & Grandad had 13 children, more
boys than girls. After we married (DH's surname = F) my Father (M) took my new husband to join the Working Men's Club in the village where instead of his own surname he was registered in my mother's maiden name as
"Alie W's dauchter's man". and thus he remained until we moved elsewhere.

We had 2 DDs who were already well known professionally so have kept their DF's surname and their children all have Fathers' surname + their DM's surname F as a middle name.

Dd never took SiL’s name, for both professional and ‘principle’ reasons. Neither did a Dsis many years previously.

However I noticed that a very traditionally minded elder sister very recently addressed a card to dd and SiL as Mr and Mrs (Son in Law’s surname).
Dd would shrug it off. I doubt it was deliberate, just automatic habit.

Your DS is being thoughtful and your DIL is anticipating too much. Don't be too upset. You never know how their children will feel. One of my DSs took my maiden name because he was very close to his grandparents. Children make their own decisions when they are adults.

My DIL is American, she has kept her name but the children have both hers and their dads surnames.
It's getting more normal now, wished I had kept mine. Dad came from a very big family with an unusual surname, his sisters had boys, the brothers had girls only x2 of the brothers had a son each both never had children.

kittylester

What a very lovely thing for him to do. You should be proud.

I agree with kittylester, but would go further and say to have such a sensitive son is a reflection on your good parenting.

I think it’s a perfectly reasonable thing to do. I genuinely can’t imagine what there is to get upset about.

People change their names for all sorts of reasons, and this is a nicer one than some.

Can they create a double - barrelled surname ?
That's what my daughter and son in law have done .
It didn't go down well with her in laws - that is to say mother in law .
She normally sulks ,shows off and postures until she gets her own way .
This time , it didn't work .
Their surname is very common in the UK and our surname is unusual .
My daughter is also a successful business woman and didn't want to relinquish her identity .
The irony is : her father was furious when his sister suggested that I retain my maiden name and told me that if I wasn't going to embrace his name - we could forget it !

How times have changed !

I was surprised how much it bothered myself and my DH when it was suggested to us.
It didnt happen in the end.
In our case, it would have been done for some cultural reasons. That part we understood.
There was no chance of family name dying out in our case.

Taking the husband's name on marriage is a cultural tradition. My daughter and daughter-in-law took their time in changing their surnames. In fact, they still use their own names for some things. Why not?

I don’t know if I’d be upset, but try not to let it spoil your relationship with them.
DH knew that his surname would end with our daughters and wasn’t bothered.
I’ve noticed a huge increase in double barrelled surnames in recent years, landing one child with a 29 letter signature, (35 if you count her middle name).
How do you decide which child should have which name? It would seem like a parent laying greater claim to one child rather than the other.
What happens when two double surnames wed, unless they each keep their own names? Do Miss Wintringham-Bawdsley and Mr Bletherford-Campbell use all four names? How would they decide which names should come first?

One DIL has kept her maiden surname. Cousins have adopted the hyphenated option which sound very high brow. I like the idea of keeping both surnames going though I suppose it could get out of hand.

After my second marriage my daughters asked my new husband if he would adopt them and he did. My eldest loved her new surname and what it represented so she had no intention of giving up her name when she got married. Her husband considered taking her name, but decided against it as his father would be deeply cross and upset. My daughter has kept her name and has passed it on to her own child, her father-in-law doesn’t know that his grandchild doesn’t have his surname.

Personally I think it’s rather sad that they feel they have to be so secretive.

I kept my own surname - much easier no passports etc to change plus mine was a nicer name than my 1st husband . My DD1 has my surname, DS1 has his dads ( ex husband) surname , DS2 has his wife’s surname (their choice), DD2 has her Dads surname ( my now DH) all very complicated but who cares? Surnames are part of the patriarchal society and is good to have more of a choice.

Not taking my husbands name when I married is one of the least complicated things I have ever done. I think cooking breakfast this morning was more complex.

Yes Catherine I think it is normal to feel hurt an upset if you are a traditionalist.