My husbands dependency on me is making me feel like I’m drowning

Littletoothill I am in exactly the same situation. Drives me mad. He is always asking what do you want me to do. He is unable to see anything to do. I try in my mind to detach myself from him, that seems to help a bit. He is just bone idle, I get on and do everything because life is easier. pm me if you need a friend who you can relate to.

For eight years before he died, my husband was a poorly man and I was his 24/7 carer, I did everything for him. I also took control of all the household things, banking, money mu husband relinquished everything to me. I was in my 70's and absolutely worn out but I loved him and he loved me so I did it out of love. We were married for 50 years when he died and met when we were 18 years of age so together 53 years.

When the love goes, as in your case, I can understand why you feel trapped and resent everything you do for him as you won't be able to breathe as he will be looking over your shoulder every minute of the day. If he is not an ill man then stand up for yourself, your children are not kids anymore, speak to them and tell them how you feel as you need support. You cannot spend the remaining years of your life living like a servant who has no life of her own.

Leaving is not the answer, what you need are boundaries and he needs to accept them.

If I hear that phrase I don't want to burden them with my troubles one more time I shall scream.

Do you not realise that your children will be aware there are problems and will be worrying even more because they do not fully understand them because you will not talk about them there is nothing they can do. they will, equally not want to raise the subject with you, as you clearly do not want to talk

You will be much less of a burden on them if you come out in the open and discuss the problem with them. It may well be that they can come up with solutions that you (and those on GN) have never thought of.

We have always been entirely open with my children and we have discussed problems with them. It has made it so much simpler to sort out problems that have arisen in our old age - and find solutions that reduce the chance of us becoming a burden on them.

I haven’t shared with them how I feel as I don’t want to burden them with my troubles . They love their dad and realise he has difficulties due to his literacy problems but they’ve grown up with him always being like this . I sometimes feel they are more supportive of him than me as I’m seen as the ‘ strong one’ but maybe I’m just fee,ing sorry for myself

what is your children's attitude to this situation ?

My MIL was ill for a long time and started preparing my FIL for life without her.
We didn’t realise it at the time but she gradually taught my FIL varies skills, crosswords, slow cooker , shopping he had never used before as she had always managed the bills etc. He also had literacy issues. She also enlisted the family to help so subtly we didn’t realise .
At the moment your H is just irritating you with his dependency but what happens if you become ill? He needs to learn coping strategies. There are lots of visual aids out there that may help. The men’s shed do some great programmes which could help him mix.
Maybe you need to think about being less available ie voluntary work, crafts etc on your own. Make him take on tasks that are more challenging ie cooking, he could use visual recipes . Shopping again there are auditory and visual aids .
It must be difficult for you both at the moment you’re husband is probably very conscious you are annoyed with him. A chat to clear the air sounds long overdue
Alternatively are you settled in this area or would a move back to where you have friends be feasible?

Thank you . I’m sorry to hear your friends troubles . I feel guilty for feeling so frustrated and trapped with my hubby as I’ve a lot to be thankful for

It takes a long time to make friends when you move to a new area.. if I was in your position I would firstly try to create my own private space within the house. maybe a room where you can sit quietly, read, draw, listen to music, watch films etc.. so that you can escape whenever you feel irritated by your OH. I would also draw up a clear calender of his need to know appointments and tell him you expect him to follow it.. perhaps just meet up for one meal a day.. Then I would look around your area for meetings or groups of any interest to you..could be U3A or local WEA. or exercise groups. and sign up for a course. You need to go regularly to places to get to know people.. your husband might have a mild disability but you do not have to be responsible for him. Let him sort himself out.. I hope you find some happiness

I know we’ve had that discussion but he’s just relying on one of our 4 adult children to sort him out if I die before him

Errata ;
Discreetly not discretely .

I have three friends in varying degrees of this suffocating situation .
And how does it happen ?
Very easily , because most women have so much on with work , home and families that they just give in for the sake of peace :

Friend One :
Rather surprisingly,
she's highly intelligent , well educated and well off .Foreign born to a privileged family , she has an English husband , who is so insecure if she has female friends and exhibits the most appalling jealousy . He will only go out with her . She supports him .
He does the alienation discretely and she is unaware of it .

Friend Two :
Has a sad history of poor mental and physical health . Schizophrenia runs in her family .
And is married to a huge alcoholic brute , who openly criticises her friends because he can't stand the competition . Any female is obviously a lesbian ! She has to stay at home with him . He openly watches pornography . He's insecure about his increasing weight and won't go out , but prefers to stay in their falling apart home .

Friend Three :
Very obviously has mental health issues including life altering phobias and OCD , was abandoned by her mother ( no father mentioned ) is in poor health and is absolutely run ragged by her seemingly very pleasant husband . Penny pinching , he does nothing , but has time and money to spend playing golf or sailing . She is an exhausted wrung out doormat terrified of losing him .

I can't help nor advise my friends without causing offence .
If they want me -I'm there for them .

I can only suggest that you try to make a life of your own :
I need a break at my exercise class or I need to hang out with my friends ...
And try to ignore the emotional blackmail , which these men have perfected through the years .
Good luck .

Sorry but you can hardly expect your husband to change now after so many years of enabling him.
It is going to take a while to settle in your new area and make new friends, have you thought about volunteering, helping others may help you too.

We’ve relocated to a new area for various reasons so I now have to rely on video calls to my old friends . I’ve made two new ones that I see occasionally . I just find my hubby more irritating every day that passes . He won’t join any clubs as suggested . I’ve tried

Or were they work ones?

For you - I dont understand where your old friends are?

For him - is he happy at home while you are out?
And, is he happy with his life as it is?

So many things seem to have happened all at once. I think you sound lonely and depressed. Others have suggested remedies for the former. I would simply add taking a range of the B vitamins for the latter. See if they help.
Have you tried staying in bed for two days with a "very bad headache" just to see how your husband copes with the "emergency"?

Check if there is a WI where you live and tell the President you are new to the area and ask her if there is someone who will greet and help you in your first few meetings. I’m a greeter and have made many good friends with our new members.

The U3A is another suggestion. Go alone or with your husband at least once a week to a Garden Centre for a coffee and wander. I often do things on my own and have been doing so since I was 11 and I am now 77😳

Your library may have some events. Could you offer one morning a week to help at a local charity shop.

It looks as if your DH has few social skills but clearly you have so it time to test out a few of these ideas.

Why on earth should she have to teach a grown adult to do this.

It is important that you encourage your husband to be more practical in case you die first. He may have to cope on his own. Small steps. Good luck.

This is not a criticism, but in a way, you’ve actually enabled your DH to be useless. At least he is willing to help around the house and garden - roll on the gardening weather?
Like Monica, my DH worked away and I took on sole responsibility for everything at home. We were both happy for that to continue when he took early retirement to pursue his hobbies - I hardly saw him some weeks!
I live by the calendar on my kitchen door and DH knew to look at it to see our plans. Maybe time to list your DH’s appointments and even ‘forget to remind’ him - make him start and take a bit of responsibility for himself? I know dyslexia can be a big issue - both my DDs are, but have learned to live by lists.
Try not to let things get you down.

Men’s Shed do a lot of woodwork etc so not much good for anyone who isn’t interested in doing that or socialising. Our Men’s Shed has become just a shed as there are quite a few women in it now .

LittleToothill I could have written every word of your post. I thought my situation was unique.

I find the whole thing so depressing and am not sure where to go or what to do to help myself. Anyone who is not in this situation has no idea what it is like and how difficult life can be.

It would help me and hopefully help you if you sent me a pm please.

You have my sympathy. When you have been working and away from home and used to having time where you matter without your DH retirement, whether heis active or not. Suddenly finding yourself home with you husband aroud all the time, can quickly driveyou to screaming point.

My Dh travelled an enormous amount due to his work, often to remote coutnries for indeterminate periods of time, so like you I ran everything, all our finances, bought and sold houses, the lot. I am also a person who does need time to themselves and those first few years he was retired and around all the time nearly drove me to suicide - and my husband did have a social and activity life outside the home.

The way out is to dvelop your own life,independent of his, but if you are out, especially if you do some voluntary work, culd you simply ask your DH to do something specific while you are out. Walk down to the shops and buy the ingrediants for supper - and then prepare it.

I too would recommend The Mans Sheds organisation ukmensheds.co.uk/ They have a map that shows where they are. You might have to ferry him to and fro to begin with, but he wuld soon make friends who can give him a lift.

But good liuck and sympathy.

Thank you for your comments . No he’s never had a phone or bank card . He was self employed & I organised everything for him as well as working Full time . It’s partly my fault as I should have made him take more responsibility over the years but I didn’t and we are where we are . Yes he does have some health issues but not at the point where he is incapacitated . Days , trips out etc he’s happy to go along with at my suggestion and if I organise . He doesn’t even keep track of his own Drs , Hosp, dental app etc

I feel for you. In my U3A group there are more women than men. I thought most of the women were widows like me but come the Christmas social lots of their partners appeared!
Looks like some men like to shrink into a reclusive existence when they retire.
However there are Mens Sheds popping up around the place and clubs where your DH might feel useful. Helping someone with their garden perhaps?
You should join a few groups yourself. Start with the library, if you still have one. There are usually lists and notice boards with things going on
Don't let his state of mind prevent you from living your life.
Good luck 🤞