I need to share, Updated update

So hard, but you are behaving in the best way all at present, especially your daughter & the grandchildren.
Always remember that you can think what you like, but you must try to be measured in your actions & words, for equilibrium and happiness. Your daughter has a difficult situation to deal with, and will be needing your support.

linkolnimp Your post resonated with me.About 13years ago our then sil "discovered" he was gay.Our daughter was eventually on her own with two children,the youngest was only three years old.He remained in the marital home for a while ,sleeping in the guest room before buying a home for himself and his bf.My daughter is still on her own with two teenage daughters.The youngest sees her father regularly.The eldest,rarely.However my daughter has furthered her career and has done exceptionally well.We are immensely proud of the way she has coped with a situation she had no control over and a life she hadn,t planned.

Thank you everyone.
It has helped being able to share my feelings, and yes, life goes on

I do remember your post about your dd marital breakdown because of changes beyond her control. Your dd is being strong she’s having to be for her children and her own sanity probably.
What a very supportive family you are being it must be very difficult. You are all coping very well being around your SiL probably regardless of your true feelings. Your GC are most important and your dd settling into her new life best wishes.

Well done you dealing with such grace and support.

BlueBelle, thank you.
That's the problem of the written word it can so easily be misinterpreted.
You certainly have plenty on your plate as well, hopefully 2024 will be easier for you

I was actually meaning to praise you for all handling it well and yes you are allowed to feel resentment It all sounds very civilised and as your daughter is handling it all so well I think it’s great There are so many messy divorces/splits whether another woman or man is involved that I think it’s a breath of fresh air that you are all holding it together so well for the children
It sounds like your daughter has moved on mentally
I have two daughters alone with children and one grandaughter One daughter through partners death one through ‘the other woman’ and a grandaughter ( no children) through bullying it’s heartbreaking for mums and nans.

I think you are all handling this amazingly well... And all working together to keep the children's lives impacted as little as possible

You re aware of your feelings and expressing them somewhere as an outlet instead of letting them fester or damage you or important relationships...

It will pass in time

I absolutely take my hat off to you lincolnimp, the way you’ve behaved is a real inspiration - I only hope I can emulate you in my situation …

as he only lives an hour away I expect that needing to use your house twice a week will change.. perhaps they could stay with him in future at w/e's instead and you could just fully support your daughter.. you both seem to have been rather wonderful in the way you have negotiated this very tricky life situation.

I’m impressed with the way you and your daughter are negotiating this situation, which isn’t your choice or expectation. It’s great that the children see the most important people in their lives getting on as well as you are. You all obviously love the children and put their needs above anything else
I’d be resentful and cross if this happened to one of my daughters, I hope I’d find the resilience and strength to cope in the way you are doing

I'm not sure that I could be as magnanimous as you. I take my hat off to you for your caring and dignified attitude. It must be difficult at times

It sounds as if you have handled the whole situation brilliantly. Your DD is lucky to have you as is your ex SIL. Keep going with the support and hopefully things will improve for everyone.

Eazybee, thank you

BlueBelle, perhaps I didn't make myself clear. Both my daughter and I are on the same page, supportive of the arrangements and I certainly am there when she needs me, but she also is making a new life for herself and the children.
However. I believe that I am allowed to feel some resentment at the fact that he has the best of both worlds, while she is having to cope with so much more----including coming to terms with the hurt that he caused her by his behaviour (openly having a relationship with a man as soon as he told her, and while they were still living together).
That relationship finished in a very unpleasant way, and she supported him.
She is an extremely loyal and gracious girl, and my occassional feelings of resentment are because she is my daughter and she has been hurt.
As I say, whenever he is with us, it is fine, we do still care for him.
What is it we say, love him but at times don't like him don't like

Thank you for the update; I do remember your posts and think you and your daughter have behaved splendidly, doing what you are doing for the sake of the children, and your own dignity. Which doesn't mean it stops all the hurt and resentment and, yes, your ex -son in law has the best of both worlds.

I suspect you have a faith to sustain you, and I hope your daughter finds her life and circumstances improve, which they will do, eventually (been there) but it is grossly unfair, isn't it?
A happier new year to you both.

Personally it sounds as if your son in law is trying hard with the children and you’re doing well letting him come visit and stay over sometimes it sounds as if your daughter has accepted these changes more than you and that’s not useful to her /him or the children

I am sorry Christmas can be brutal especially as though its the first Christmas. I hope your daughter can finally accept this. It happened to a very good friend of mine after 25 years of marriage and three children. It took some time but she has accepted it now but they were such good friends and that's the part she misses most. Thankfully she has carved out a new life and career for herself and the children are all well and happy. I hope your daughter and children are able to come to a good place with their father once the high emotions of the Christmas period are over.