Bewildered by son’s girlfriend.

I find it unusual that your son and his partner don't send a joint present and/or card. This is the norm in my experience. Does your son send you a card for your birthday? Why doesn't he ask the gf to sign it too? I wouldn't normally expect separate cards and presents from a couple for Christmas or birthdays.

I think your son is remiss not to ask her to sign a joint card to be honest. Very odd.

As for sending parcels of goodies, that is very generous and thoughtful of you but I would stop now. In fact, stop fretting about presents altogether, both those you send and those you hope to receive. You are putting too much emphasis on it.

I would back off a bit and let them get on with their lives. Just keep it simple.

I ve never had a separate card or present off an in law just joint (which in the case of my daughter in law I know she’s bought and written all the cards over the years from them both )

I think you had the best intentions with gifts you've sent in the past , it can make us feel part of their lives still when they move out. I can understand why you feel hurt about her not sending a card, one of my daughters has never bothered with cards, birthday or Christmas. My other daughter loves giving and receiving cards. Perhaps if they get married they will send a joint card.

I never sent my MIL a separate card or gift for any occasion. And she was my MIL, not BF’s mom. I find the idea that she would to be very odd, honestly. I can’t think of any friends who get separate gifts from couples, or who gift separately.

I would never buy anything for someone’s home without clearing it with them first. I remember back to when I had my first home I somehow felt that, if my in laws gave me something for the house it somehow made it less ‘mine’. Realising how cluttered my house is these days my kids no longer buy me anything that might add to the clutter. I’ve just put a little ornament on one side to take to a charity shop: it’s a sweet little porcelain trinket tray, still in it’s box, that is the sort of thing that my partners mum had all over her house but isn’t to my taste at all.

back off and leave her alone.

perhaps she likes to choose her own bedding for instance.

I think you are overthinking this and probably overwhelming her with all of the gifts.

It wouldn't occur to me to expect separate presents from by children's partner.

I also think that sending household items to the gf may be giving an odd impression as you are really sending joint presents to your son for their house under the guise of it being a present to her.

I also think that you need to be very careful in sending lots of household items and personal items such as bedding so that you don't rob them of the joy of choosing how to furnish their first home together. Many couples really look forward to this. I would loathe anyone to gift me bedding as I like to choose my own.

I would be be very wary of accepting your son's word about her taste (even after 30 years of marriage my own DH remains clueless about these things). Does your your son actually say that she wants these things or does he just agree when you say you want to buy a certain item? I wonder, given that gifts seem to be a very sensitive issue, whether he just agrees with whatever you suggest regardless of whether it's anything she would really like.

and I have actually lost sleep and been in tears several times over the last few days as I am so upset
This really is out of all proportion ricepudding

I am coming to the conclusion that I am perhaps too enthusiastic in trying to help them out, but that’s my nature and it will be difficult for me to rein it in, and very obvious if I change. I guess I loved the idea that she is potentially my future daughter-in-law and all I wanted was to be kind and welcoming have you ever heard the saying ‘killing with kindness’ well that is what you are doing Stop, please stop before you ruin everything The poor girl must be totally overwhelmed by you and she’s giving you a big hint ‘please lady stoppppppp all this major attention I can’t give it back in the same proportions’
If this lady doesn’t become your daughter in law please please do not make the same mistake again, it’s suffocating and this is not meant to be harsh I know you are only meaning well

What sprang out to me is that you say your birthday is 'early January' and this is only the 4th. Also, at least here in Scotland the 1st and 2nd were Bank Holidays so no post.

Have you not considered that a present has perhaps been sent but is delayed in the post Christmas/New Year Post.

house -y things are personal taste most people prefer to make their own choices. Perhaps it is just that the gifts are not to her taste but she does not want to offend by saying so.

It sounds like she has never been used to making a big thing of presents and can’t cope with so much. I wonder if she didn’t do anything about your birthday because she is trying to give you a hint that she doesn’t want to do present giving on any large scale. Just leave giving to birthdays and Christmas with a small gift. Certainly don’t discuss it, or her, with your son.

I thought it might be useful to give the other perspective to this. My MIL sends gifts for me which are actually furnishings for the house, not a gift for me. After I politely declined something that wasn't to my taste there was sulking for months (and this was after my PIL had really rudely rejected a gift we gave them).

The sulking wasn't worth the hassle so now my DH just says thank you and it goes to a charity shop.

Furnishings for the home aren't gifts for your DS' girlfriend they're gifts for them both and perhaps they're afraid of upsetting you if they say thanks but no thanks (which might just be the case given what you've put in your Op).

I think you are way too emotionally invested in this relationship, and that your gift giving is too excessive.. you are not even her MIL why should she remember your birthday even if she is fond of you.. Having expectations is not heakthy.. step back and give them some space,, live your own life

I generally send my daughter in law vouchers and just a token something to open for her birthday as I don’t see her then (they don’t live near) and although it means she knows exactly what I’ve spent she can spend them when she wants and on what she wants. And I give them both actual presents to open when I see them at or around Christmas. She wasn’t used to having very much before she met my son and I bear that in mind but spend more or less the same on her and on my son, who being an only child and only grandchild was a little bit spoiled! I send flowers for their anniversary but nothing else during the year unless an occasion warranting flowers arises, such as when their baby was born or when she suffered a bereavement. It seems to work well. I don’t presume to know their exact tastes so choose carefully and keep receipts (though I’ve yet to need them).

Wasn’t meant to respond to gsm, sorry.

Germanshepherdsmum

‘^I have actually lost sleep and been in tears several times ^, Crazy H. Something of an overreaction.

Ricepudding, you need to stop overthinking everything. It’s not the end of the world if she forgot your birthday this year. She did remember before she left your house when she wished you a happy birthday.

It’s obvious you enjoy buying her nice gifts but is it necessary?. Couldn’t you just get her an Amazon voucher, or a John Lewis voucher and let her choose for herself. I appreciate it’s not the same but at least she wouldn’t be wasting your money. That’s what I do. I get my DiL a voucher every Christmas but I’m never told what she buys with it. I know she would much prefer that than for me to get her something she doesn’t need/want. I always give her a bag of goodies that they can all enjoy after Christmas.

Have a discreet word with your son.

Oh dear, sorry you are upset, but I think you are over-thinking this. Perhaps she feels a bit suffocated? She did remember your birthday, although it seems a bit odd to me that they don't send you a joint card. Do your other two sons have partners? Whatever you do I wouldn't mention anything to your son, I can't see anything good would come of it.

It may be a cost of living issue!
If they are paying a mortgage it is possible their payments have soared recently and she simply cant afford to buy presents..
They may have separate finances although living together as a couple.
But, as others posters have said... please step back a little.. if you need to send them something.. maybe a voucher for dinner at a restaurant near them rather than 'items'.

Thanks GSM - yes, definite overreaction !

The other point is, she’s not your DIL but a girlfriend of your son, even if they’re living together it may not be forever.

None of my DDs' boyfriends, now husbands, have ever given me a birthday card or gift. I really would not expect them to. I think that for some reason this has started to loom larger in your mind than is realistic, or indeed good for your well-being.

Give her gifts if that is what you like to do and just leave it at that.

Smileless2012

Hello RicePudding. It might be an idea to restrict any gifts to birthdays and Christmas and maybe reduce the number of gifts you buy.

She may feel overwhelmed by and/or uncomfortable with your generosity because she's unable to reciprocate.

Things for the home are very personal, especially when setting up your first home with a new partner so maybe she'd have preferred to have bought these things for herself with your son, but didn't feel able to say so.

You say you get on well and that she's a "lovely girl" and that's what really matters.

This is just what I was going to write.
I think you need to back off a little with her OP, a nice but token gift for birthday and Christmas and nothing for her home.
In any case it should be your DS remembering your birthday and not his girlfriend.

‘^I have actually lost sleep and been in tears several times ^, Crazy H. Something of an overreaction.

I don’t think Ricepudding said she was ‘crying’ over what happened. (If she did, I missed it) She was disappointed, yes. I am very generous with my children, that includes the d.i.ls. I usually get them something for the house or money, and a token individual gift. I always receive gifts, depending on their individual financial circumstances.