Problems with my adult son part 2

I agree with all the previous advice on here . It's up to your DS and his wife who they invite . They may feel your DGD will be swaped by her 3 cousins and it's her big day . You are lucky to have contact with all your DGC . Just got to one of the estrangement threads to see how common that is . You have to accept to see them separately if that is what they prefer . If you invite them all to yours that's different because that's your invitation . You can't force the relationship of Adults .

So much good advice here, but I sense that OP will cause an atmosphere on the day, there will be a row and we will soon get Part 3. It seems she just can’t stop interfering in her children’s relationship or siding with/being wound up by her daughter.

Just take what you are given and be glad. Please as I said before you are going to alienate your son and dil. If you invite guests for dinner and had it all planned how would you feel if they said can four others come too? I suggest you would be annoyed thinking it was an awful cheek as it is your house, your dinner and your plans.

I know you would love them all to get on but they don’t and trying to force it will only make things worse. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

You taken a lovely invite and turned it into a confrontation. You imply your DIL is trouble making [actually she does have a say in her child's birthday arrangements too, it's her life too] and you will be 'tense' on Saturday. That is not being cooperative or pleasant at all. You're going to create an atmosphere from the off. Don't be a nightmare MIL.

This is all because your son wishes that your grandchild has an outing with it's parents and grandparents! Your daughter seems to be making a meal of this and winding you up. Don't get involved. it's not about you, or her, it's about your son wanting to have your company...and you are rejecting him. There is a danger you will see much less of your grandchild in the future if you keep rubbishing your son's life, needs and views on how he wishes to lead his life.

So son and daughter don't get on, it happens all the time. let them negotiate it as they wish...not how you want. Daughter sounds like she is over reacting anyway, too much drama.

My 2 sons aren't close, and don't see each other much - rarely on family occasions. But there's a respect for their differences. I don't take sides, my relationship with both is good and it's their relationship between them to address, not mine.

Seems you are giving yourself a huge dose of stress by wanting so much control. It's making you unwell, let go.

'My daughter so my sons sister would have liked to come as she has a free pass for that zoo and 3 young kids to keep happy on a January afternoon'

So she can go whenever she likes.

It also doesn't need to be 'tense' if you're going to go and cause an atmosphere on your grandchild's birthday, don't go.

Your son and his wife might want their child's party treat at the zoo to be focused on the birthday girl with just her parents, siblings I she has any and the birthday girl's grandparents. If they are a bit jealous of your relationship with your daughter and her kids they might think that with your other grand children there, as you have a great relationship with them , the focus will be taken off the birthday child. We were always the more the merrier, but not everybody is like that and so often on Mumsnet you read of issues like that with dils comparing their children's relationship with that of the daughter's children.
I would go along to the zoo, have a good time, make a fuss of said grandchild and say nothing about your daughter's thoughts/wishes on the subject.
I would avoid as much as possible saying anything to your son about your feelings on wanting everybody there. Inevitably everything you say will be mentioned to your Dil who will put her own interpretation on what you are saying. I used to tell my own mother this when tensions occurred with her sons. You can say anything you like to me, but not to your sons. They will inevitably talk over everything with their own wives. Not necessarily to make trouble, sometimes to try to get said wife to try to please mum...but fireworks can result.
Incidentally are there other cousins on dils side of the family? If they are not invited then it would be difficult to invite your grandchildren and daughter.
I would leave well alone with relationship with sister. Invite them separately, enjoy them separately.
You can't make them come together for Sunday lunch and even if they did to 'keep the peace' inevitably there would be tensions and might result in a perfectly avoidable row.
Sorry this is long. Made me think of how my own mother felt similarly to you, thought she could openly say so ...but everything was far better when she didn't and has maintained good relationships all round. 💐

You've made an argument out of nothing.

Their plan was, both sets of grandparents not Aunts, Uncles, cousins etc.

Your daughter and her children were never invited, yet you've tried to involve them, your son has said no and you've caused an argument with your son about it!

It's not about your other grandchildren it's about the one who's birthday it is.

This is a you problem, not them.

Lots of good advice for you to take on board.

How lovely to be invited to Gc birthday zoo trip as a guest. Not the host.

See your AC separately with no pressures from you. Enjoy their company separately. So many on GN are estranged from their AC and GC. Don't make the problems worse. Accept how it is.

You say "^It’s going to be hard for me^" but it doesn't need to be. It is just you (as someone said earlier) wanting more... instead of just going to the zoo.

Have fun on the birthday trip. Put the other stuff aside. It was nice to have been invited.

So many problems in families, mine being one of them but I keep my nose out. At the end of the day it is your children that have to sort this mess out, not you. As long as you make both families welcome when they arrive at different times that is as much as you can do. Do not play piggy in the middle as you may cause problems for yourself too. They are grown ups, don't act like it, but still grown ups. They are not excluding you from days out with them,but if you get involved, they might do, it is not your problem to solve, it is theirs.

You cannot,and should not try to orchestrate other peoples lives..

It's not your birthday trip.
You are a guest along with the other grandparents. This event is totally about your son's child. An opportunity to make a fuss of them.

No reason to invite the birthday child's aunt or cousins. They are only inviting grandparents.

Please don't make this about what you want....
I would have loved to go out with all 4 grandchildren and I want them to be close as cousins.
...this is a birthday outing for one child, their parents and grandparents.

I think you are not thinking this through.

As an aside, I have seven grandchildren, they don't all get invited to everyone else's birthdays - why should they? Maybe you think they should be - so that I get to see them all-together?

Thank you all for your comments and advice
I will do what you recommend
It’s going to be hard for me but that’s life
My husband wouldn’t want this situation either
And I really hurt badly

Agree with Welbeck. I think you are perhaps interfering in the hopes that you will all be one big happy family but if your son is jealous of his sister you are making the situation worse. Your daughter has a zoo pass so can go anytime, so your emphasis on the fact that she has 3 young children to keep happy on a January afternoon is irrelevant unless she was already planning on going and now feels she can’t.

Well put Welbwck. OP please take on board all the advice you're being given, people are trying to help you avoid making the situation worse and ending up with you not speaking to or seeing your family. It doesn't need to end up like that but it it's up to you to make sure it doesn't. These comments are all meant kindly.

Sometimes we have to accept that our children just don't get on. I don't get on with my brother and most of my friends have issues with at least one of their siblings. Of course you'd like to have one big happy family but concentrate on your relationship with each of them separately and stop trying to get them together. That might happen naturally in time but you can't force it

As it happens I don’t see my sibling either and our children as cousins don’t know each other as adults.
My mother wasn’t happy and tried hard to get us together, but since she died our relationships is zero.

agree with Nell8.
OP, i think you are skating on thin ice.
you keep trying to interfere in your son's family life.
that is not respectful.
you were an invited guest to the zoo b'day.
that's nice. and an honour.
you need to behave like a guest, not as if you are in charge of that family.
maybe your son thinks your daughter's children are noisy and too boisterous, would spoil the gentle occasion they want for their child, and for her to be the special one.
who knows. it doesn't matter why.
it's not your business to know why.
they are entitled to run theri family as they wish.
you are lucky they asked you at all.
i can't believe you started arguing with your son again, after all the previous trouble.
you are making your life more difficult than it need be.
i don't see it as your son being jealous of his sister. not at all. that is your idea, to put down his choices in your mind.
you need to eat humble pie now, and keep quiet, and be ever so grateful on the trip.
to have any hope of being included again.

What do you do about inviting them together for Sunday lunch? Simple answer, you don't. You are going to have to come to terms with the fact that there is animosity between them, regardless of who is at fault.

If you keep interfering you will be the one to lose out. Your son and DIL will cut you off and you won't see their children. Sorry to be brutal, but I would have thought the situation was glaringly obvious by now.

I haven't spoken to my brother for at least 25 years and whilst my mother naturally wished otherwise, she did not interfere or try to engineer happy families where one did not exist. She accepted the circumstances and continued to enjoy both our company separately. It wasnt difficult. It is fair to say that she saw more of me, as mothers often do with daughters,

You need to accept that life is not perfect, that your son and daughter may have irreconcilable differences and keep your nose firmly out otherwise you really are headed for a fall. See them separately and enjoy the time you spend with each of them.

Sorry to hear things are still difficult despite having patched up your previous issue. I think I said something similar when I posted on your previous thread, as much as it greaves you that your son and daughter are in conflict, you need to keep out of it and leave them to it. They are adults and the days of you being able to intervene and act the parent are gone. No good will come of trying to make them get along. It's his child's birthday and as the parent he gets to choose who he spends it with. He doesn't want his sister and her children there. That is his choice and you need to respect it. You can suggest another day out for the whole family any other day of the year that suits you. If you can let go of trying to control things and trying to insist they all get along, you will make life much easier for yourself. Enjoy what you have and try to stop wanting more, that will only keep you unhappy and dissatisfied.

I imagine your son and his wife would like their little girl to be the centre of attention for her birthday. If your daughter's children are there too they will dominate the situation. Just a thought.

I completely agree with the other posters. Do not get involved and do not take sides. See them seperately. Adult siblings do not have to be friends. Do not talk about one to the other or you will end up in the crossfire.

Takes me so long others have already posted but seems advice is the same. I am sorry.

Agree with dragonfly. I have a friend whose adult (now middle aged)son and daughter havnt spoken or met for about 20 years.
It’s not a happy situation fir her, but she sees them separately and doesn’t get involved and never discusses one child with the other. While it’s difficult and very distressing she keeps out of the situation between her children. It’s up to them to sort things out but so far they havnt snd frankly don’t think they ever will,
You just need to accept this, you can’t change how they feel and if you keep trying to sort things out/get them together you risk losing one or both of your children.
You can’t control this however much as a parent you want to,

Just keep out of it. They’ve got to sort themselves out without you fuelling it by thinking of inviting them to Sunday lunch together. That’s something you like to do but you’ll have to adapt to the current situation.