am i an abuser/abusive person

You are NOT an abuser. Yes, you did something really gross (I've had it happen to me by a stranger and it really is very unpleasant) BUT you have never repeated it and I can't help thinking you've allowed this to take up head space for far too long. I've said and done some things I'm really not proud of and every now again they crop up in my brain and I quickly swat them away again.

Talk to your partner about how you feel and ultimately try to let it rest. It's taken up too much of your thinking time, clearly. You need to find peace with this and if the rest of your post is anything to go by, your BF might not even remember the event.

Be kind to yourself. You're still young and as I said to a friend recently "I would hate this to become the thing that rules the rest of your life. You have one life. Go and live it".

I hope you find some peace soon. Big hugs X

Perhaps you need to question why you are constantly thinking about this one event so long after it happened and how many other minor events are still swirling around your mind long after the event has been forgotten by everyone else

I think you should seek help to deal with that aspect of the problem. It seems to me that this is a mental health issue rather than an abuser problem.

I am so sorry that you have let your regret over one mistake dog your life and doubt your own character for 17 Years. Please cut yourself some slack, forget about this and move on.
You are definitely NOT an abuser to spit at someone once 17 years ago. It would be different if this were continuing behaviour but clearly it isn't.
I imagine many people, when angry , have committed some small misdemeanour like this that they regret.
The proof of your pudding is in the fact that your partner stayed rather than left.
I don't know how old you are but did you ever see a child's programme also watched by adults called TISWAS? It featured a wonderful character called "Spit , the Dog" .Have a look at it and😊 laugh if you can
You mentioned mental health issues and I hope that if depression or any other medical condition is in any way responsible for this destructive thought pattern then you are able to get the help that you need.
Best of luck !

The more you brood on this the more overwhelming it will become. You did something you regret. It's in the past so let it go. You are not an abuser because you were abusive once. Although it was nasty no bones were broken and there was no physical harm done.
Forgive yourself and get on with your life.

Does your partner actually bring this up with you? If not you really need to leave it in the past where it belongs.

Stop beating yourself up over it .
You lost your temper .
We aren't saints .

I used to feel really depressed the day before I had my period and could blow a fuse apart from feeling tearful and unable to cope .
Normally , I've always been very placid -well known for it !
On the scales , my weight gain would be a good half stone , which was probably fluid .
My head would feel fuzzy .
I was given diuretics and they gave me stomach cramps so I just got on with it .

Looking back on things that we said and did is not always a catharsis .

Do something nice -go for a walk , go the cinema , buy yourself some flowers , do a good deed and take a very deep breath ....

orchardtrees....what you did all those years ago was deeply, deeply unpleasant - you were a different person then in different circumstances, all of that plays a part.

As others have said, perhaps talking it through with your partner / a professional would help?

I'd also ask you....if I slapped my partner nearly 20 years ago and can't forgive myself, even though the other person involved had forgiven me, it had never happened again etc, what would your advice to me be?
If we were all judged on our very worst act, none of us would look that good!

Committing a one off abusive act, does not make you an abuser and I agree with others that you need to talk about this with your partner. If you have his forgiveness you need to learn to forgive yourself, and I hope that you can .

Sounds like you need to give yourself a break. And all this time later why not have a conversation with your partner and say how you are feeling.
There must be a lot of good things about you otherwise he would be long gone. It seems you are focusing on this one error. How about writing a list of all your good attributes and read them to yourself, often, to get a more balanced view of yourself.

You are NOT an abuser you did something in the heat of the moment and have never repeated it.

I doubt there is anyone that hasn't done something they were ashamed of at some time in their life. Most people are just able to get over it.

Quite frankly it doesn't matter what some people, or most people, think. The only thing that matters is what you and your partner think. I would let him know that it is playing on your mind and you need to get it out in the open and discuss it. It's perfectly possible that after so many years he doesn't even think of it at all. Unless of course it's his behaviour that makes you think he hasn't forgotten. Either way the only way to mend is to address it, either with him or a therapist.

Hm.
Yes what happened when you were young and impulsive was but you repented. You didn’t get physical.
He is in my mind in the wrong here because he’s still punishing you. This should have been done and dusted and I feel sorry for you.

maybe you should seek some couples' counselling.

We've all done things we regret. The main thing is to learn from our mistakes and not repeat them. It's time to forgive yourself now. A one off doesn't make you an abuser.
Maybe a careful chat with your partner about it, and then put it behind you and move on. Best wishes.

In some cultures, spitting is a display of disgust. However, I’m not sure spitting ‘in the face’ is acceptable. orchardtree - it’s done now, he’s still with you. He obviously doesn’t think you are abusive. Just get on with your lives, and make the best of it. I don’t think you are abusive either.

You were an hormonal 18 year old at the time of the unpleasant incident.
In the intervening years you have matured. I think it's unlikely that you will repeat this behaviour. You must have many good traits to your personality otherwise your partner would have left you a long time ago.
Try to forgive yourself and enjoy what you have. Forgiving is not forgetting. It's remembering and letting go. I wish you a happy life.

Thank you all for your time and response to me. I do appreciate it and the kindness you have given me.

Puddycat, I believe much of what you said is truth. A lot of people, most, who suffer from mental illness don't spit at someone, I can't just but it down to mental illness, and I went back and forth about whether I should mention mental illness in my post at al.
I think there is truth in your word that I am 'haunted' by what I did because I'm not wholly sure that I wouldn't do it again if the same circumstances arose. The problem here is that what I did at 18, the circumstances were very specific, and they simply couln't repeat now I am in my mid-30s, I don't think ' if circumstances what if it happens again, I might spit at my boyfriend' I do think 'I cannot have those circumstances again as it simply isn't possible, because of this, I can never know that I wouldn't do it again'.
To me being sorry means never doing it again, but this dosn't take away the initial abuse. I can say that I have been in different circumstances since; unemployment, work problems, problems related to my mental health and my disability and I have not done this. I can't re-create the exac circumstances of being 18. I have supported my boyfriend though his problems, ill health mentally, being unable to work, his own bad memories and other things.
I suppose what I am trying to ask you is is there any way, in your light that an abusive person like me could become an ex-abuser or is that simply not possible? Some people are ex-gamblers, ex-burglars, ex-drug crime, ex-racist, but no-one in most peoples view is an ex-killer or ex-r***ist. I try to help and support my boyfriend, I have donating to a domestic violence charity, I have done other volunteering? Is any change possible?

I appreciate every person responding to me

Stop punishing yourself for something you did all those years ago. Some time in life a lot of people have done or said something they regret. You can’t turn back the clock but you can move forward it’s time you did that now.
Your partner gave you a second chance because they could see something in you. So embrace your life with a partner who stayed with you and appreciate the relationship you have now.

Puddy, your post is frankly aggressive. A few kind words wouldn't have hurt.This woman knows that once she did a horrible thing, many wouldn't have stayed around, yet he did and he is still there 17 years later, he’s awful your pain and knew it was a one off. You had mental health issues and were at a low point in your life and he could see that. She has worried about this and punished herself. Orchard you are not an abuser. Sit down with your partner and tell him how you have been feeling please all these years. After, put this behind you. No one has not done or said something they regret yet are quick to judge others.

Some helpful comments and advice here, all except for one. Please ignore that one because one event, never repeated is not abuse. And although spitting in someone’s face is absolutely vile, you did not harm or damage your boyfriend, you did something offensive towards him, but you did not harm him.
NotSpaghetti’ssuggestion is good. Talk it over with your boyfriend and apologise again and try to find some peace for yourself because you don’t deserve to suffer and agonise over this for the rest of your life.

It was a one off, your partner has forgiven you, time to forgive yourself.

An abuser has a pattern of abuse that runs through their life, you haven’t.

Whilst that was a horrible thing to do the fact that you haven’t repeated the act means it was a one off. Trust me on this, my son in law was abused by his ex (although legally he is the abuser thanks to family courts believing women every time with no evidence whatsoever). Having experienced her anger and abuse I have no compunction in saying so. Abusers don’t stop, you did. Please forgive yourself and ignore the nasty comments of people who have no idea of what drove you to that act at the time.

Spitting in someone's face is just about the most vile, disgusting thing you could have done and frankly, if you'd done that to me, I wouldn't have hung around for 18 years to see if you were up for a repeat performance. Do I think you're an abuser? Yes, most definitely. You know that what you did was repulsive and abusive and I think that the reason it's still haunting you, after all this time, is because you aren't sure that you won't do it again if the same circumstances arose. And please stop using mental illness as some kind of explanation for your behaviour. Many of us have poor mental health. Very few of us spit in someone's face.

I also feel the pain in your writing and feel that if something bothered me so acutely I'd need to raise it with my partner.

I'd ask him in a quiet moment if he has forgiven you for that horrible act and if he thinks you are abusive at all. If you love each other I think you can talk this painful thing through and hopefully find both forgiveness and closure.

Hello orchardtrees. I am fairly new to Gransnet too and I am not a grandmother either, although I am in my 60's.

Your post is full of pain and I could not just read and run, as they say.

I'm not sure exactly what your question is but I think a lot of men would have walked away after the event. Spitting in someone's face is a horrible thing to do, but you already know that and in 18 years you have not repeated such behaviour.

I don't feel qualified to advise further but hopefully someone will be along with a fuller response.

Do try to be kind to yourself.