Dating someone who is richer than you are

It is harder to receive than it is to give.

Receiving graciously is a way of giving back.

I love to give. Why deny him that pleasure?

You can give back in other ways:
- be generous with kind words (and hopefully he will be too),
- with hugs,
- with thoughtful tiny things (such as going to the trouble of choosing his favourite mug for coffee, or wearing a perfume he likes, or buying a newspaper with the groceries because he likes the crossword)
- by listening to him
- by trying to see the joy in the things he loves...(cricket in my case- I too love it now)

I think you may be traumatised by your past and don't think you are "worth" loving.... Yes you are!

Believe in yourself.

What you can do is when he takes you out for a meal, let him pay for the main meal and you pay for the deserts. Or if he takes you out to a concert, let him pay for that and then you treat him for drinks at a bar afterwards.

However, it is not nice of him to give you a subtle ultimation ‘Let me pay for you or else the relationship is over’. Not much of a gentleman, is he?

When my daughter was young in her earlier twenties, I ask her what is her ideal man, and she said an English gentleman. I told her I am not sure whether the English gentleman still exists, as far as I know, he has become extinct just like the dinosaur.

Spottedscarf - aren’t you the lucky one!!! If ever you get fed up, send him over to me 😂

Think about you pay for a meal once ( plenty of affordable options ) and then he pays the next time. You both have a chance of dining where you would like. Can you do a lovely afternoon tea / picnic / which you can cater for, when the weather gets better / so he can treat you to something more expensive. It’s not always the money you spend but how much thought has gone into it ..

Simples. He likes and wants your company. He wants nice holidays and meals out (who doesn't) and he wants to share these things specifically with you. You can still pay for some things, do picnics or meals at home etc but honestly he will get fed up knowing that you can both have so much more fun, do so much more and see so much more.

You've proved you aren't a gold digger and he obviously doesn't think you are a gold digger but you are in danger of becoming a pain in the bum.

I don't see this as coercive control. If I really wanted someone's company on a holiday or night out and they were "poor" then I would happily pay for them (male or female). Besides, if he is a traditional sort of bloke he won't think paying for his love interest on social occasions is untoward or weird.

It's difficult to accept kindness and generosity of you have never experienced it on previous relationships. I had the opposite issue when I dated a man who was better off financially than me, as he owned two homes outright and had investments.
When he was married, as far as I could tell, his ex wife who earned less than him was never expected to contribute anything towards cost of holidays meals out etc , but he was not shy of expecting a regular 50:50 split on our dates or sometimes leaving me with the larger share of a bill.
What is important is not to take generous nature for granted, but equally not allow someone to exploit an inherent disadvantage. The balance is hard to strike but if you like this man's company, do accept his kindness occasionally.

For many men, and especially the 'old school' types, looking after the woman makes them feel good. It boosts their self esteem as a man. It's an old fashioned approach but it still lingers.
I can understand that it is difficult to accept his generosity but I would take notice of his words of not wanting to be in a relationship where he can't 'provide'. I would think it lovely that he values you enough to want to give you some nice times together.
I think it is something you are going to have to get used to if you want to be with this man. I'm quite sure he knows you are not a gold digger... in any case I think gold diggers are after much more than a nice meal or event.
What else is he going to use his money for but having a nice time with a woman he likes? Presumably he has everything he needs otherwise.
I agree with others... make a nice meal for him at home, make a picnic etc...
Equality in a relationship isn't all about money but more about things feeling in balance and harmonious.

Well, simple solution, but you haven’t figured it out yet.

You pay for all the lesser expensive outings and let him take you out Fancy! Wouldn’t you like that?

Seems like you are afraid to live it up - and I can totally understand your fear of coercive actions if you give him total control. Test him.

But unless you give him a chance and yourself a chance to find out… stop negotiating. If he turns out to be someone you don’t like - get rid of him‼️
You can handle that.

My late husband was financially far better off than me when we met. He was also a very kind smart man.
I never took advantage of his status. However. I let him treat me as he felt fit. That I’d to say. He loved me and spending money on having the best time with me seemed natural to him. Old fashioned maybe.
We were married 20 years before he died.
I would say. Go for it girl! Enjoy your life and stop overthinking it.

Is he telling you, albeit subtly, that it's either you let him pay for you, or your relationship ends?

Although my OH is wealthy he doesn’t do luxury, for example on a recent trip he set a price of £100 a night for accommodation, sometimes basic at £65, I don’t mind.

He’s not coercing her, he is obviously not happy with her wanting to continue with the crusade she is on, my OH would be the same.

It sounds like you are over thinking everything in this relationship and not letting a gentleman who sounds like he just wants to treat you to a nice way of life and some enjoyment of what a decent financial means can provide these things. I am on my own and like you have got used to looking after myself and find it enjoyable. I am even set in my ways however if a gentleman you have described ever came along I would get to know him and happily accept his generosity after all if he was not attracted to you he would not want to be with you. Life is too short take things as they come and don't make such a thing of rich poor situation does not sound good. One thing I am in agreement with from poster she says he doesn't like a nice walk or having a coffee. A lovely walk on a warm summers day maybe afternoon/early evening through a nice country park or pleasant area is refreshing and enjoyable and something I always look forward to and if my gentleman didn't want that I would probably find one that did. Good luck whatever you do.

As other posters have said, paying your way may take many different forms. Home cooked meals, picnics you pack, planning great free or low cost outings along with making things fun and your friend feel appreciated can easily balance money spent, especially if he has plenty. He may even feel like he is not doing enough; it's easy just paying for things! I think you definitely risk losing him. I would much rather fund a friend doing something fun with me than always have to sit in a cold park because it's free. Money is easy for those lucky enough to have it, putting effort in is certainly just as valuable. Good luck and bon courage.

Sounds like you are making too much of the financial difference. Maybe make a home cooked meal, maybe suggest picnic on a nice day, bake muffins etc . Just do thoughtful things which don’t cost much money to show you appreciate him and not taking his generosity for granted.

He invites you - he pays. You invite him you pay. Choose wisely and appropriately and enjoy each ither's company

Please don't worry about the money if you really like him. He obviously likes you. There is nothing to feel awkward about.
I am in my 3rd relationship, my 1st husband left me, then my 2nd husband died and I was very lonely. An acquaintance who I have known for many years and also lost his wife asked me out on several lunch dates. At the time I was only on a State pension, although I had my own bungalow and he was well off. To cut a long story short we fell in love and decided I moved in with him (he has a large house) and I rented out my bungalow. We now split all household expenses 50/50. My 100 yr old mother died and left me a legacy. I am now better off than he but this has made no difference to our relationship. We still love each other and intend staying together until the end - I will be 80 shortly and he will be 90 next year. The only proviso he made was that as we both have families we did not get married as this would make things difficult when one of us goes. He has stipulated in his Will that I am allowed to stay in his house for a year in order to get myself sorted. My own Will is for my own family only.

Germanshepherdsmum

I think he’s simply being honest - his money allows him to afford a different lifestyle to the OP’s, and he doesn’t want to give that up to have only cheap outings. He is happy to share his money by paying for her but she won’t accept that. I don’t think the relationship has a future - he doesn’t want to give up nice meals, expensive outings, maybe foreign holidays, to live at the level OP can afford. I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want that either.

This. 👏

Urmstongran like you, we have pensions that are vastly different, because I stopped working to raise the family while OH's career went well. We have always had a joint account. Spottedscarf Does it really matter who pays for what if you like each other's company? You are both being denied exciting outings, which seems a pity when your friend is more than willing to fund them. Life is so short - accept his generosity in the kind way that it is offered and enjoy yourselves. I would.

In my day it was always whoever does the asking out pays, so much easier than navigating today's dating requirements. If you particularly want to go somewhere you can afford ask him and try accepting that if he wants to take you to a posh restaurant he can afford then let him pay. If you feel more comfortable discuss it with him first.

I guess your friend has always enjoyed a more expensive lifestyle than you have. It is always difficult to come down a few rungs. He enjoys your company and wants to share doing things together. Let him. I am fiercely independent, financially and physically so understand where you are coming from. I am in a relationship, living in his house. He pays all the household expenses, I finance the supermarket expenses. Sometimes I buy things for the house and garden. We have our own bank accounts but also have a joint account for our social life, holidays etc. We put the same amount in each month. He is a lot better off than I am but he would rather go to a cheap cafe than a nice restaurant. Sometimes I meet up with friends for a really nice (expensive) lunch 😁.
Take your time, let things grow naturally. I hope it all works out well for you.

HPQ writes ... just enjoy your time together, being together doesn't have to involve spending money ...

But isn't that the whole point? He does not want a compromise of sometimes doing free or inexpensive things. He wants to pay and is saying that he can't be in a relationship with someone who won't let him.

He may not recognise it but that is coercion.

Is she coercing him? No, I don't think so. She is suggesting compromise - that they do a mix of things but he isn't hearing her.

Spottedscarf1976

I’m dating someone who is much better off than me. I want to split cost of all things we do such as concert tickets and meals out. I don’t really know why but I feel I should. He knows the difference in our financial situations and says he doesn’t mind and I believe him when he says this. He is a lovely respectful man who expects nothing back. I’ve recently said I want to split everything but this means that we can only do things that I can afford to do as well. So for example a meal out once every few months is all I can afford and if it’s something I can’t justify the cost of then we can’t go but we can do sitting else like a walk and coffee. He says he doesn’t want to do this and wants to be able to pay for things for me and doesn’t think he can be in a relationship where I won’t let him pay for things. At first I let him but after a while it feels I should not let him do this. I know this comes from the fact that my last relationship which ended 15 years ago was one with coercive control in and I’ve got used to looking after myself but I do also have a strong belief that women should pay their way. I know by budget and I want to be self sufficient. I do also have some fear that if he pays for everything he will start to lose respect for me and or think I’m a gold digger. I want him to know I’m not money driven which is true. I’m poor but I don’t mind poor. To can be happy and poor. Is anyone in a relationship where there is a big difference in finances and how do they manage this?

I was so I married him

TinSoldier

OP had been in a previous relationship where she was coerced and controlled. She has learned to live independently within her means.

She has asked that they sometimes do things that are within her means but he doesn’t want that. He says he doesn’t think he can be in a relationship where she won’t let him pay for things.

He isn’t listening to her and is using his money as control - either he pays or they break up. That is coercion.

But don't you think that perhaps the man concerned is also being coerced by the poster? She is making their outings, dinners whatever, be based on what she can afford, what she wants to do. For goodness sake, life is too short, just enjoy your time together, being together doesn't have to involve spending money, or waiting until you can save up enough to pay for your half of the dinner. A bit of happy compromise is called for here I think

It’s not just the relationship between the 2 of them either, he is likely to have family and friends with the same lifestyle, unless the OP is willing to accept his lifestyle socializing will be difficult.
I think the OP should swallow what pride she has and accept the step up, if she cannot do that the relationship wont last long

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Historically all my ‘dates’ have been wealthier than me (although I’ve earned reasonably good salaries) but, rightly or wrongly, if they’ve asked me out then I expected them to pay (plus collecting me from home)!

I would alway suggest on a first date that we ‘go Dutch’ (almost a test!) but without exception my date was offended (“Thank you, but I wouldn’t even consider it for a second; please don’t suggest that again”).

As a relationship has progressed then I would buy the occasional surprise theatre or gig ticket which was always appreciated. Also I could afford then to be inventive and generous with Christmas and birthday gifts.

Now happily married for over 30+ years - and my husband still opens doors for me, walks on the outside of the pavement, and would still be mortified if I got out my card to pay a restaurant bill (even though the money comes from the same account!!). I expect it - and luckily our two 20+ sons appear to have continued in their father’s good example.

It sounds as though your chap is an absolute gentleman. Treasure him as they’re few and far between.
Buy him a ‘for no reason’ treat occasionally - e.g. cinema tickets or a sweater you “couldn’t possibly resist as I know how fabulous it will look on you”.

Don’t insult and embarrass him by insisting on splitting costs and cutting down on outings. You’ll lose him - which would be a shame as he sounds a keeper.

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