How should I deal with bitchy neighbours in my retirement complex?

I don’t think many people change their personality when they get older so if they were bitchy or a trouble maker when they were younger they are probably just the same now.
Unfortunately where you get a lot of women together you will usually have a few like this, just like the workplace
I would have as little as possible to do with those people and if they start gossiping to you neither agree or disagree just change the subject.

When my late mother moved into a sheltered housing complex we thought it might help her be less dependent on us,her daughters.Sadly she encountered a lot of bitchyness and downright bullying .The problem it seemed was she knew all the men in the complex some had played golf with my dad ,some had worked with him and some he just knew from other parts of his life,he sang semi professionally,for charities.
Single men are like gold dust in these places and a lot of the women weren't happy that they spoke to mum more than any other women.My mother wasn't interested in forming a new relationship after dad died and she was taken aback at the attitude she found directed at her,consequently she stopped spending time in the social areas of the complex and stayed in her flat .She became completely dependent on my sister and I and was like this for a decade or so.Its very sad that some women cant see that men can be friends with women they've known all their lives without arguing over who has more right to have his company.

I’d stay unfortunately women like 5hat are everywhere speaking from experience , my next door neighbour has caused so much trouble for me now I blank everyone in the street they are all as bad as each other. I have a few nice friends and that is what matters I’m sure you have too or find new ones joining a group

Let's face it; bitchiness amongst elderly people is no more different than trolling by ( presumably) much younger age groups on social media. There's only one answer to either - ignore.

It happens in every group of people, you will have to learn to ignore it.

I imagine it is more prevelant in those sort of places as there will be more people with nothing to do other than involve themselves in the lives of others.

although very difficult to do, i use silence when people are nasty etc, I often kick myself for not biting back, but that is what they want.These vile people do not know you,so how can they pass on such poison? Avoid them as best you can, unfortunately they can be anywhere.

Things like that are horrible. I am now 73. 50 years ago I assumed that by now I would have got to the stage where such rubbish didn't bother me. It still would, sadly, but not as much. The thing is leapyearnan it happens everywhere, if you move there's no guarantee it would be better, and the best thing is to ignore it, behave impeccably yourself, and smile.

In answer to TerriBull, well, people get together at any age, for love, closeness, romance and - yes - sex. Why would you at 'that age'? - to make the best of the years left to you!! I think it's sadly ageist to criticise that, but also a pity that it's not apparently worked out too well. That also happens at all ages - we still make mistakes, we still have romantic dreams, we still may not see prospective partners clearly. Relationships are so often 'the triumph of hope over experience'! I hope I'm still 'hoping' at 91!

I live in a small detached house. I know nothing about what goes on in my immediate community and am not interested. Most of my neighbours dont even know my name and certainly not that I run an international antiques business. Ive always felt that the less your neighbours know about you the better. They are just random people who happen to live near. You didnt pick them.

I would probably not like one of these retirement complexes and if I lived in one would keep myself to myself. If I walk out of a room it would never occur to me to worry about what people said about me as soon as my back was turned. I dont have the headspace to care what others think.

What a poisonous atmosphere in which to live and I'm really sorry for you .
Just don't reply or change the subject .
If it's intolerable then consider moving , but it's a risk - the next lot could be worse !
In my experience , nasty , unhappy people don't morph into sweet elderly people .
I did a great deal of voluntary work at my church prior to and over Easter and I'd like to write that it was enjoyable , pleasant and fulfilling
It wasn't .
I'm actually reeling from the shock .
Even on Easter Monday , I had more rudeness .
I came home in tears .
I can now see that our Vicar has a huge problem with her ageing congregation .

Just completely ignore it.

I imagine all retirement complexes are much of a muchness.

Cast your mind back to your teenage years of school. How did you deal with this kind of thing then?

Ignoring comments is sometimes best. On other occasions you need to say something like "I'm surprise you think that about A - she is always so pleasant to me." This kind answer shows that you do not intend to join in ill-natured gossip.

If it doesn't work, you could try Grannie's dictum: "If you have nothing nice to say of a person, hold your tongue!"

Just say, I don’t like to gossip or speak badly about other people. That gives a firm indication that you are not into that type of thing and they will soon not involve you. Don’t move, carry on as you would and realize some people have little in their lives to amuse themselves so they resort to gossip to make their dull lives feel more exciting. Feel sorry for these people as they waste time and energy on negative things. Negativity attracts more negativity.

I previously worked in sheltered housing complex’s and in my experience I found nearly all of them had some rather unpleasant residents. Some were very opinionated and some very rude. I don’t mean to tar all with the same brush but in my experience a couple of residents unpleasant attitudes can change the whole ethos of these housing schemes. They are also very difficult to mange sadly.

Jealousy is an awful
Thing. That’s what my mum used to
Say, it makes people bitter. Just do What others have advised. Ignore the gossips, another one or mums quotes “ if they’re talking about you they’re leaving everyone else alone”, sad people are everywhere. You stay in your home! Ignore the gossips they’re not worth your time. Please keep us updated on how you get on in the next few months. Summer is a coming, plenty of days to go out. Hopefully. Enjoy xxx

My mum lived in sheltered housing for almost 20 years. She had two different places and both were the same. She refused to join in the bitching, went to things she enjoyed and stayed away from the in-fighting. She was quite outspoken. She hated swearing and started a swear box which she waved at offenders. The money went on biscuits for the coffee morning. I thought the other residents might find her a bit stand-offish. But when she died they were all devastated. I met a few a year after her death and they were still talking fondly about mum and her swear box.
The point of all this is to tell you to stay if you are happy there and politely but firmly refuse to join the bitching and steer your own path. I think if you are friendly as well, your independence will be appreciated and you will find you have a place there and can be happy. Good luck

I can relate to the OP's experience. I sometimes hear uncomplimentary comments by residents of this complex about other residents. It's inevitable in any community and, unfortunately, more so in one where people live in close contact and share some communal areas and facilities. It doesn't pay to be too thin-skinned - think back to your schooldays - human nature doesn't change between adolescence and retirement! I've been here in my flat for less than a year and already know which residents I should avoid and know many others with whom I can happily pass the time.
It would be no different in any other similar residential complex.

How long have you lived there leapyearnan? If it's early days and you are just settling in, then such comments will be magnified. If you are happy with your apartment and the facilities give it a bit longer. You will soon learn to sift the chaff from the wheat. Rather like settling into a new office job. Everything seems so strange and unfamiliar and the worst aspects are always accentuated. In my experience it's usually one or two unpleasant people and you may come to realise that other residents are well aware of them.

However, if after a suitable period of time you are finding the atmosphere truly toxic then I suggest you do move as this will obviously have a detrimental effect on your health.

Recently moving into a scheme myself I can relate to this.
If its several people passing unkind comments behind someone's back I will say we are suppose to be kind to each other. Any other gossip I shrug my shoulders and say nothing or I don't know.

LEAPYEARNAN, I think there are unkind even nasty people almost everywhere! Really people are people where ever you are. We are unfortunate to have particularly horrible neighbours. They have been quite unkind to us over several years.However this is more than balanced by the many kind people around.We have thought of moving but why should we? We like our house and the area. It's better to ignore the "not so nice" which we do. They also have absolutely no respect or consideration for anyone. The father and son keep extremely noisy cars which they "work"on regularly,sometimes late into the evening. Their garden is littered with old car parts etc.Everyone else take pride in their area and gardens. Sorry for the rant but I do sympathise with anyone who live around those we would rather avoid!

I moved into a retirement flat five years ago to be nearer family. I am very shy but I thought I’d make an effort, so I went along to a couple of the weekly coffee mornings, but I soon realised they were not for me, too much moaning and bitching, so I don’t go any more, and I expect my name is mud now. I love my little flat and I’m quite happy with my own company.

You have my sympathy OP. I think it's possible that some people, as they age, undergo personality changes and their worst self emerges. My mother moved to a block of retirement flats in her 80s, and to all intents and purposes she was very happy there. I do remember her telling me about a couple that got together whilst they were living there. The male partner, according to my mother was friendly, outgoing and well liked by all but morphed into someone quite different from his original self. It seems that his new found love interest cranked up a side of his personality that was more akin to her own, miserable, prone to outbursts of anger at minor issues. My mother who had an abundance of common sense often said to me "not a good idea getting together with a new partner at that stage of of life" The female side of the relationship was 91 apparently to his late 80s, I mean just why would you at that age ???

I'd give it a bit more time leapyearnan, moving is such an upheaval but of course it's essential you're happy wherever you choose to live. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I would use the ..always smile, never gossip and stay as silent as possible approach for a long time whilst you observe who you can actually trust.. It will give you power and some amusement.

I wouldn't be pushed out of an appartment I like.. but make sure you have some activities you enjoy as well.

That's sad, and unpleasant for you. Why does it enter people's minds to upset others they live amongst, especially at this time of life? I would go out to look for fresh company elsewhere, but I wouldn't move unless it became unbearable.

One reason I don’t want to downsize and go into a retirement village. I like my privacy and to choose who I look at every day. Preferably, from the point of view of neighbours, very few. I have the absolute luxury of sharing our backyard with no one, not overlooked, just lovely birds and animals. I have a busy social life but at my choice and in my time! No bitches in sight. 🙀🙀🙀

I've found that nasty bitchy people are usually insecure miserable people deep down. Don't let their warped personalities spoil things for you leapyearnan.
Just stay pleasant and friendly with your neighbours and don't listen to gossip. People very soon see through the ones causing trouble.