How should I deal with bitchy neighbours in my retirement complex?

Dixie123 is right and not everyone in the community will be in the bitchy clique. There will be other people who feel the same as you.

Maybe try and seek out people sitting alone in the lounge or at social functions. Or just making a rule for yourself to chat to one person each day or whenever you leave your flat.

Ive seen so many threads relating bitchy cliques of mums at school pickup time who give new mums the cold shoulder. So its not by any means confined to older people. The advice there (good advice) was to seek out the people standing alone and just start a casual conversation. Maybe they will respond and maybe not.

You just have to find one or two members of what it nowadays called your "tribe".

Such a shame for you leapyearnan, sorry to hear about this. Sometimes it only takes one or two unpleasant people to upset the apple cart for everyone else. I went to a girls school and this kind of thing was rife, really for no reason and certainly not because the people on the receiving end deserved it in any way. I think its something that happens in communities, probably worse if the women outnumber the men, and also when people have time on their hands. If you mainly moved for the social side of things then dont cut yourself off in the hope of avoiding negative comments. Better to try and ignore them, continue to participate and its likely eventually things will get better and you will find the nice people to interact with.

Throughout life in every situation you will meet people who love you, hate you or are just bitchy. In all but a few cases the best thing is to ignore them, act as if you do not hear the comments. If you do not respond their is no point in saying btchy things to you.

It's wise to remember that spiteful and unkind behaviour nearly always comes from a very sad place. Normal people don't want to make others unhappy, or wipe the smile off their faces - people like this are to be pitied. If there are nasty little cliques, let them boil in their own bile, and enjoy those people who are pleasant and friendly - they must surely be in the majority.

My standard response to bitchy gossip is "I always find them charming". I find this totally disarms the gossiper and leaves them a bit speechless, which is good as it draws the conversation to an abrupt halt. I know it's easy to say but try to not get involved, there will always be those who wish to divide and rule whatever group you find yourself in. Smile,through gritted teeth if necessary, and try not to take it to heart.

I think if it's a really toxic culture there, if it was us, I would consider moving. You haven't found this sort of thing where you've lived before, & you must have a fair amount of ife experience. Unfortunately this passive - agressive, cliquey, bitchy behaviour is hard to counter with any strategies - I think most people actually don't like it, but they don't want to get on the wrong side of the stirrers, & it becomes a pervasive, nasty culture which is all down to a few bitter, twisted individuals who get off on belittling people. Don't feel that moving is some sort of failure on your part - vote with your feet before it really starts getting to you.

Unfortunately, this sort of thing will happen wherever one lives. I work in a home for seniors, and it is the same here. People try to make themselves appear important by dissing others. The residents try to get the staff involved in their squabbles. It is difficult to stay neutral, but we have to keep reminding ourselves that we are all just plain human beings, when it comes down to the nitty gritty. Treat everyone with a little respect, and try to avoid being drawn into the gossip.

paddyann54

When my late mother moved into a sheltered housing complex we thought it might help her be less dependent on us,her daughters.Sadly she encountered a lot of bitchyness and downright bullying .The problem it seemed was she knew all the men in the complex some had played golf with my dad ,some had worked with him and some he just knew from other parts of his life,he sang semi professionally,for charities.
Single men are like gold dust in these places and a lot of the women weren't happy that they spoke to mum more than any other women.My mother wasn't interested in forming a new relationship after dad died and she was taken aback at the attitude she found directed at her,consequently she stopped spending time in the social areas of the complex and stayed in her flat .She became completely dependent on my sister and I and was like this for a decade or so.Its very sad that some women cant see that men can be friends with women they've known all their lives without arguing over who has more right to have his company.

Sadly so very true.

Having been a mobile hairdresser for many years and had clients in various retirement properties I have heard of this so many times and it's so sad . I always felt that the high ratio of women to men living in them wasn't a help and neither are my sympathy for you experiencing this I know but I do feel moving may not solve your problems unfortunately. Having worked in a mainly female environment it seems to often be the norm.
Can you join various activities outside of the accommodation? Something like the U3A is excellent and much more mixed social interaction.
I really feel for you.

Some people, in these places, can be horrible. It can be any combination of mental health/boredom/both.

Just talk to those you like, and ignore the rest.🙂

Unfortunately, I think that this kind of bitchiness is a widespread trait of human nature and is the same wherever you live. The only difference is that in a more 'enclosed'setting like a retirement home, you are more likely to overhear / discover what others are saying.

I say this because of things I hear my own mother say about others living near to her. She doesn't know them, but says quite judgemental things about them based on usually very flimsy evidence or observations. This isn't in a retirement complex, but a fairly standard housing estate.
I have sometimes taken her to task over this, but she is convinced that I am the odd one for not liking or indulging in that type of tittle-tattle.

My advice would be to rise above it, knowing that you are one of the decent ones, and that anyone worth knowing will have taken any nasty comments with a very large pinch of salt.

Concentrate on your own happiness and let the miseries who bitch go their own "sweet" way. Don't let anyone spoil your retirement.

If they say them to you, just smile sweetly and say thank you. If someone else tells you what has been said, you do not know whether it is true, so ignore it.

I think the answer is to open up to one or two people you trust. It may well be that others are feeling as you do and being in the same boat is always a great first step to new friendships and in the end to actually laughing about the situation. I know this because my story is worthy of a horror drama on tv! We thought we'd died and gone to heaven moving to this beautiful village. Unfortunately one couple controlled what we thought was our friendship group. One by one they blanked us under the direction of that couple. I became very ill and virtually suicidal. One day I opened up to another lady who remarked how sad I looked. That was the start of a new friendship group....because the Nasty ones were well known! Eventually the Leaders of that group fell out with all their "followers " and left the village. I'll never truly get over what happened but do have satisfaction in knowing I have made dear friends here and the Nasty ones now have lost their power to hurt. I have no doubt the main Couple will wreak more trouble where they have moved to. It's my personal opinion that Jealousy is generally the cause of most nastiness. We had bought an old wreck but turned it into what is generally thought of as the most beautiful cottage here. Be strong. Easy to say I know. But hold your head up and seek out the Good People. Love and very best wishes to you .

a number of comments , all jumbled up
but
1. if they are talking about you then they are not talking about somebody else
2. the stupid comments will hurt but to what degree? can you give a grading ? 1 for you can shrug it off and 10 it hurts you to the core?
3. if you could give up a body part to stop the stupid talk then what would it be? a little finger or a leg?
the latter helps to give you some perspective

maybe smile and walk away - the bully hates that!

There may be an excuse for some of the bad behaviour in that disinhibition, paranoia and insensitivity to social cues can be early signs of dementia. The other aspect of communal living is adjustment to being cheek by jowl with others. It happens in student accommodation too! Try to rise above it if you can.

Please do not let a small minority spoil it for you. Try and brush it off and keep yourself busy with people that you like and also your hobbies and crafts. They will soon get bored!

Some sensible advice on here, especially about the possible "frying pan to fire" issue if moving.

The recent thread about "snappy retorts" should help people, in general the theme was "ignore -- rise above", but there were a few polite suggested remarks to try and gently puncture the odd nasty balloon.

I saw one comment here about "available men are like gold dust in these places". That reminds me, a chap I know delivered prescriptions for a year or two, just filling in for drivers on holiday or sick for a day or two, a nice little pin-money job he called it, and not every day. Inevitably some retirement complexes were on his rounds. He did say once that he found it very odd, if he happened to go to a home when it was 'morning coffee time' in the Lounge, or 'afternoon quiz' time, that he found himself being looked at or spoken to as if he was Brad Pitt -- when he knew full well he looked more like Old Steptoe!

Sometimes unpleasant things are said even on beloved groups such as this one that are hurtful. The older some people get, unfortunately, they still have to find things unpleasant to say, perhaps it makes them feel good and that they still have a voice in the community. I do hope you can rise above it and enjoy your home.

Ignore them, be bigger than they are.

Astitchintime

Moving home might be a jump out of the frying pan and into the fire, chances are you will be met with the same situation wherever you live.

Passing bitchy comments about others is no different to bullying in my opinion and sadly some people thrive on being as cruel, mean and unpleasant as they possibly can.

Why should you move out simply because someone has an evil mind and a vicious tongue?

If your present home suits your needs then stay put, rise above the bitchiness - you will soon identify who to associate with, and carry on being a pleasant, friendly person. You will soon attract nice people who have no doubt been on the receiving end of the bitchiness themselves.

Very appropriate and wise advice.

Bitchy people are everywhere and at any age . I’ve also worked in health care and in a mainly female environment. My way of dealing with gossip and bitchy comments is to not show any interest and shrug and say I wouldn’t know or I haven’t noticed. I’ve been called standoffish because I don’t get involved. I was there to do a job not get involved in a toxic environment.
My mother lives in a retirement complex , and yes there are a few women who are busybodies and love a gossip. My dm has learned to avoid them. She now has mobility issues and is quite deaf and rarely goes to the social events .
OP if you’re happy in your flat , give it some time and if you encounter the gossip mongers maybe politely disengage with them and use the I wouldn’t know technique. Good luck

Front it out. Next time you hear her say 'That sounds a bit bitchy I wonder what they say about YOU behind your back' Then move away from where they are sitting /standing. Just don't mix with her and if you hear she bitches about you ignore it.
I know people who make bitchy comments and if they say "oh I'm such a bitch " I agree and remind them its hurtful and they don't like it but hopefully they do later reflect on my words.

travelsafar

Recently moving into a scheme myself I can relate to this.
If its several people passing unkind comments behind someone's back I will say we are suppose to be kind to each other. Any other gossip I shrug my shoulders and say nothing or I don't know.

I agree. Whilst amusing retorts can make you feel better, actually they can fuel the fire.
I rarely get anything like this, but very occasionally someone in our village will say something. My usual responses are along the lines of 'I don't know / haven't heard anything about that' ; and sometimes old sayings something like 'I speak as I find', 'live and let live'.
Any of these indicate that you're not joinng in, but not being unpleasant either.

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