Conversation starters - need help

"Years ago an obnoxious aunt once told me, ‘Your husband never talks to me’. I responded by saying he never talks to me either, what makes you so special"
Teehee..... "Role"
My OH is not naturally chatty whilst I could talk the hind leg off the proverbial Donkey.
I think that this is very common.
We manage OK with conversation discussing TV that we watch together and news and politics ( that he's interested in) and family when anything is happening.
Also he does a daily crossword and I help out.
Retirement (since 2017) has been a huge issue for me as I have had far less to talk about. OH likes us to do most things together while I push to do some things independently because , as I tell him, " If I don't do stuff separately then I've got nothing to tell you "
I think everyone has to try and be interested in things and then they become interesting and then all conversation is easier.
Easier said than done depending on your circumstances, I know. We both have reasonable health at present.

Practice makes perfect. Sit down and consciously work on a conversations. learn how to ask open questions that need more complex replies.

Yes. Both great ideas. He’s spent the last few years building an extension to the house so other than me he’s not seen much of anything. He’s about finished now so we’re starting to go out and about and maybe that’s why I’m noticing. Also any conversation has been about the house so that’s gone now. I’ll keep working on it. He does want to be better and as you say that’s half the battle. Thanks. I feel more positive now. 😊

Does he actually enjoy talking when it happens?

Maybe there's a local supper club where he can get to practice with different people?

So the good news is that He has improved over the years.

Maybe there's something you could start together? It might not be 100% up your street (or his) but if he's kindly and a good friend to you maybe you could give it a go.
Pottery?
Bowls or Petanque?
A book club?
A gardening club?
Keep fit?
Model car racing...

Anything really...

I’ve tried. He looks sad and confused and as if he can’t do ‘conversations’. I feel for him tbh. I can talk to anyone easily and I know he’d love to do that. I’ve found a book about ‘small talk’. Hoping something sticks. He’s the youngest of three brothers. The oldest two were very dominant and his ex-wife was very dominating. I think that together with his ADHD combines to restrict him. I want him to be relaxed and open. I think he’s scared (subconsciously). I know he’s kind and wants to have friends. Hoping I can help. He has improved over the years. He is over 70 btw. Old dogs and new tricks maybe?? Tbh this is my problem. He’s not bothered. I just want to talk more 😂😂

Sorry crossed posts you have given a more complete understanding of how the land lies.

Polar22 could you start a conversation by asking him why he thinks you both are quieter than others around you?
Or asking him if he would like or mind if you tried to up the level of conversation?
You may find he is just wanting someone to start the ball rolling. In which case he will be a willing victim.
But should he prefer things to stay the way they are, it may save you from a lot of heart ache trying to force the issue.

Once you understand more fully how you both feel, you can proceed anyway you think fit.

Good luck

Oh and he’s a bit deaf so I have to repeat EVERYTHING which drives me bats. And then he looks at me and shrugs. ….. aargh

Thank you for all the comments. Ive thought about this a lot. I honestly think we got together because neither of us wanted to be on our own. Very sad I know and maybe a bad decision but 10 years later and we’re still here and I think we’ve learnt to love each other. We both worked at first and he had a hobby which took him out a lot so time together was limited. Lack of conversation wasn’t an issue. Now we’re retired and his hobby ended (too complicated to explain). When we do go out with others I talk a lot (I think) and the other people do too. He joins in a bit but he’s got a habit of saying things that bring conversations to an end. He is a really bad communicator and he admits it. He wishes he could be better which is why I’m looking for a ‘learning tool’. He does have low level ADHD which again he knows. Give him a car conversation or buildings and he won’t shut up - to the point of people glazing over. Again he acknowledges this. We’ve talked a bit about this issue. I start a conversation and he shuts me down by talking about something he knows. What I call ‘black catting’ I.e. if you’ve seen a black cat he’s seen one bigger and blacker. I don’t want to leave. We’re doing ok. But I’d love to go out with him and spend more than an hour before we head home - because I guess we’re both bored. Ooh this is awful as I’m writing I’m depressing myself!!!! I suspect we bore each other……..

Sometimes when out together we are quiet because we are actually earwigging!
Once we found out a massive amount about two families seated together at a motorway service station. Interestingly we were listening mainly to different people and put the story together over the rest of the drive home!

Polar22 maybe you need to "think aloud" more - and encourage him to join in.

"I wonder if this room would look better with...
"Mmmn,what colour flowers would go nicely in this space
"Why do some people...
"I wonder what it would be like to...
"It must be terrible to have to....

We have lots of thoughts we vocalise and share...
I wonder why X thought Y,
I wonder what P will do now ...
Why do you think lemon goes so well with fish..

Maybe we are just too much in each other's heads!
We are always interested in each other (except sometimes football (for me) or my super-detailed explanations of things (him)!
🤣

axjacky

“We talk about sport, politics, my children, our grandchildren, weekend/holiday plans, jobs to do about the house or garden, the food we’re eating, all sorts. When we both worked, it was rather a rushed catch up time, now, although I’m retired, MrJ p/t, we still have indépendant interests, if not actual hobbies.
Sometimes if we’re outside people watching we invent, or surmise about other people there in a kind way, it makes us laugh.”

People watching my favourite hobby 😂😂😂😂😂 occasionally my DH will join in, but if I’m out with close girlie friends we do this all the time, inventing all kinds of different, often very unlikely, scenarios.

Years ago an obnoxious aunt once told me, ‘Your husband never talks to me’. I responded by saying he never talks to me either, what makes you so special!

We are generally a noisy, chatty family, especially when we all get together, it’s just my husband who doesn’t appreciate the non-stop banter from all our family members, male or female!

We talk about sport, politics, my children, our grandchildren, weekend/holiday plans, jobs to do about the house or garden, the food we’re eating, all sorts. When we both worked, it was rather a rushed catch up time, now, although I’m retired, MrJ p/t, we still have indépendant interests, if not actual hobbies.
Sometimes if we’re outside people watching we invent, or surmise about other people there in a kind way, it makes us laugh.

NotSpaghetti

What is "small talk" though Cossy? How do you define it?

Surely ^sport, current affairs and weather - is probably "small talk".

Why is what you chat with to your friends not "small talk"?

Oh I definitely “small talk” and like to, my DHs definition of small talk, is basically anything he considers unimportant and anything in which he’s not interested! I think we all have our own definition of this.

We are among those who will talk about anything and everything. In a restaraurant; the decor, other diners, the staff, other restaurantsw we have been in, food memories.

I think that possible what you need to do is learn how to expand conversations. So if in a restaurant, sitting in a window table, you notice something and one says 'Oh look, at that car/person/shop window, and why' The response isn't 'Yes'. but 'Yes, and do you remember when we saw that other car/person/shop window when we were on holiday and you ......'

The art is to make a respnse and expand it and leave it open. I think there are a lot of people to whom conversation doesn't come naturally and they need to practice. Think back to that meal with friends and how and why you could converse there - what were your friends doing or saying that opened conversation up? Then start practicing, say for 5 or 10 minutes, possibly when you relax over your after lunch coffee or similar.

I confess, coming from a family of non-stop talkers I once sat fascinated in a retaurant able to see a family of parents, young teenage son and grandmother as they sat for 45 minutes, without phones and didn't exchange a single word that didn't directly relate to ordering their food and eating it.

My late DH and I never stopped talking and laughing. We'd talk about politics, spirituality, world affairs, things that had amused us, our mutual love of animals and wildlife. We'd analyse a film or TV show we'd watched together or a book we'd read or we'd talk about music. We'd drift down memory lane drawing from our own shared history or from our respective lives before we met. Sometimes we'd do a general knowledge quiz together and the winner got a glass of wine. We'd sometimes manage to squeeze in mundane stuff too!

We didn't have any hobbies or friends as such but we really didn't need it. There never seemed to be enough time together.

We had a lot in common and shared more or less the same fundamental views on life/society although with enough difference to make for some interesting debates. We also shared a very similar sense of humour and there was a lot of laughter and silliness in our home. We were married for 26 years until his sudden death.

Can I ask what attracted you to your partner, enough to want to live with him? There must be some commonality. Did the neighbours "carry" the conversation or did your husband talk to the man about cars all evening and you to the woman about cooking (or whatever). Was it really a four way conversation?

In my mind, "small talk" is stuff I might discuss in the gaps in a business meeting that reveals nothing much of me. I wouldn't talk "small talk" to my husband.
I think I'm maybe just not understanding what you mean Cossy, sorry.

What is "small talk" though Cossy? How do you define it?

Surely ^sport, current affairs and weather - is probably "small talk".

Why is what you chat with to your friends not "small talk"?

My DH is a bit rubbish at both conversation and debates! He takes any different views very personally (only from me haha)

However we do often socialise with some very close friends and he’s very chatty with the husbands about sport, current affairs, the weather and I’m left happily to chit chat with my girlie friends.

It works for us! We do watch a lot of TV together and enjoy that and go to the theatre as often as we can He just doesn’t really do “small talk”

I have an itinerary!
So many couples sit in silence and I determined we wouldn’t. My DH is also quiet so if we are going out by ourselves I ‘save’ my incredibly interesting bits and pieces till we get there.

I think the problem is in the fact you have no hobbies. My late husband and I had no trouble chatting but we did have hobbies, not always things we did together either. He enjoyed clay pigeon shooting so when he got home we would chat about his score, the people he’d met etc. My hobby is crafting and he sometimes helped if I got stuck, eventually doing some crafting himself when his health problems made him slow down.
Like you, we had few friends, most having died or moved away over the years but we needed no-one else.
If you have family, you could both write your life stories to pass down. Our children asked us to do that so they could see what our lives were like before they were born.

PS - we can do a happy silence too!