Conversation starters - need help

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My DS is on the autistic spectrum so his areas of conversation tend to be things he has said many, many times beforeusing the same words! My replies are always wrong. Conversations are even more difficult especially as his topics are usually about his interests.

sparkynan I’m sure you are sparky and have been all your life. I encourage you to continue on in doing the fun and interesting things you like with or without your husband. People need to have a life and connections. Use your friends or join some groups. I know women who get a part time job when hubby retires - just to get out of the house!

I think men go into a depression after retirement - they don’t feel purposeful and useful any longer. It does affect relationships. I hope for many they come out of it and realize there is life to be had!

But to sit in silence emotionally is Not Healthy. I’m thinking of all the women who are struggling with this situation.
Good luck!

You could be talking about my husband, I have been married 47 years and since he retired it’s like I’m living with a ghost! If I don’t talk to him he would happily sit in silence all day and night. If we go out to eat we are home in a hour! I don’t go on holiday with just him as it’s so boring!!! So I have sympathy for you.

Sounds like you don’t have much chemistry with each other. You need that in a partner, in a relationship. And it also sounds like you do what he wants and you just sit idly by.

Is he boring or are you? Is he taking advantage of a financial, security, etc need - or are you? Are you wishing marriage and he’s not? Is he controlling? He seems to be the type that never even compliments you when you are dressed up for a night out.

Okay, so this was a little jackhammer approach in response to you . Truly, I’m not here to blow up your relationship - but you really have to think about why you seem to be unhappy and things aren’t hunkie-dorie for you.

I think we’ve all seen couples sitting there across the table in a restaurant and there is total silence between them. That’s a red flag.

Possibly Autism rather than ADHD, or could be both. I think the solution is to find conversation elsewhere

Run out of things to talk about after 10 years? Goodness!

Yes when you have spent a lifetime together and practically know what the other is thinking it’s not the same as a gaggle of friends.
But still - do you both read the papers, have separate interests, (or shared) ever talk about something you have both seen/visited/enjoyed (or not) Do you ever do the crossword together(the big one on Saturdays)
Or simply “people watched”: ? With suitably discreet comments?
DHand I could spend a quiet morning or afternoon, him with a book, me with my Kindle and you may have thought we had nothing to say to each other but that * quiet comfortable companionship* is something I would give anything for now 6years on from losing him.
What a sad situation for you both

I also agree with what is there to say when you’ve been together years - though having hobbies does help, we also like going out with other couples as we find the conversation flows.

Hello
I used to have a similar relationship with My now X Husband …I was very lonely in my marriage and wasted too many years …Now In My 50sIn with someone who likes to chat but we can be quiet too .
No help sorry but thought I would share🩷

When we were younger I often watched older couples being very silent over dinner and seemingly not communicating at all. I felt sorry for them and swore not to be the same!,!!
Now at 69 and 73 I know why……. My husband of 48 years is completely deaf in a noisy environment, so there is no point in talking.

Maybe it would be better if you just looked for something that you might enjoy doing or a group you might want to belong to. That way you could make some new friends and aquaintances, and have something for yourself. That way you get a chance to be yourself and note if they also talk to you in the "black cat" way or not. If not you can at least recognise that this is something that your husband finds he has to do and not let it bother you

Love = live

But Nannashrlz none of the normal suggestions will really apply here.
Polar22 has said as much because of possible Aspergers/ADHD.
It is very hard to love with a partner who is in their own world most of the time.

It strikes me that you both need different hobbies and interests away from one another which, when you do go out together, you can chat to each other about. By living together and doing everything together there is often little or no chance to independently experience different things.

Role

Years ago an obnoxious aunt once told me, ‘Your husband never talks to me’. I responded by saying he never talks to me either, what makes you so special!

😂😂👏🏻👏🏻

After 10yrs you must know what kicks him off for a conversation. Sounds like you bored of each other and your relationship has run its mile. You don’t stay together because you don’t want to be alone you stay with someone because you love them and have good sex lol. Try looking into the future can you see yourself doing the same thing in 10yrs time together if you can good luck.

fancythat

There are conversation books, maybe more for business settings. I will look them out sometime later.

There is a game which is a conversation starter. Maybe more for older people. Again, I will look it up later[I am out today].

I always sit next to DH at a meal, if I can. I never did like the sitting opposite. He used to find it odd, years ago, but has got used to it now.

One book is How to Win Friends and Influence people - probably more for business?

Other book is Messages, The Communications Skills Book, 2nd edition

The game is called Senior Moments

You know, one of the keys to good conversation is listening. So often people spend time in conversations waiting for the chance to say their ‘thing’, or trying to think of something to say. I actually do also see it on sites like this one, where so many posters tell their story or give their opinion without paying heed to what others are saying.
If he is interested in cars or building, how would he react if you were to ask him to explain something or give an opinion on something to do with those things, and then really listen to what he has to say? Okay, it may be a bit of an effort, but might lead to an interesting conversation.

I think you’re both right? He hasn’t had a diagnosis but I could see there was something going on. Internet diagnosis!!! 🥴. His best friend has Asperger’s. It was diagnosed after his wife left after many years of marriage blaming his behaviour. It’s given my OH pause for thought so while he doesn’t feel the need for a formal diagnosis it’s made us both aware. I have learned how to manage things better and he doesn’t get offended if I gently direct him. He does the hyper focus thing and I’ve learned he’s not ignoring me he’s just ‘away’. Unfortunately my ‘button push’ is feeling ignored so I’ve had to adapt my reactions too.

i would add, ADHD people tend to overtalk in situations where they feel uncertain or lack confidence. I have several deep terrible memories where I went into overdrive in a social situation where I felt a bit out of my depth for some reason.

M0nica

I do not think his ADHD will affect his ability to converse. As someone who has ADHD, one of our problems is that once we start talking, we find it difficult to stop. One of my friends, if I start one of my jabbering sessions (as I describe them) just turns round to me and says.'*Monica*, shut up'

It is one of the characteristics of the condition that I have actually put a lot of thought and effort into controlling, so that I talk less and listen more.

That's what I thought M0nica. As someone with ADHD in the family I can attest to the non stop talking which jumps from one subject to the other rather erratically.

I feel the OP's partner better fits the autistic spectrum.

I do not think his ADHD will affect his ability to converse. As someone who has ADHD, one of our problems is that once we start talking, we find it difficult to stop. One of my friends, if I start one of my jabbering sessions (as I describe them) just turns round to me and says.'*Monica*, shut up'

It is one of the characteristics of the condition that I have actually put a lot of thought and effort into controlling, so that I talk less and listen more.

OP are you sure he's ADHD and not on the autistic spectrum because the latter sounds more likely. The fixation on subjects of special interest and talking about them until people "glaze over" are all well known aspects of ASD.

Shutting people down is another one. People on the spectrum often don't understand that conversations are a two way thing. The look of sadness and confusion would also add weight to this because they really don't "get" what they've done wrong and then feel terribly rejected.

Obviously I'm just surmising here.

Polar22

I’ve tried. He looks sad and confused and as if he can’t do ‘conversations’. I feel for him tbh. I can talk to anyone easily and I know he’d love to do that. I’ve found a book about ‘small talk’. Hoping something sticks. He’s the youngest of three brothers. The oldest two were very dominant and his ex-wife was very dominating. I think that together with his ADHD combines to restrict him. I want him to be relaxed and open. I think he’s scared (subconsciously). I know he’s kind and wants to have friends. Hoping I can help. He has improved over the years. He is over 70 btw. Old dogs and new tricks maybe?? Tbh this is my problem. He’s not bothered. I just want to talk more 😂😂

I think he sounds like a really nice guy and I can relate to you as DP is much the same, quiet when out with me but can chat and appear more lively when we’re out with friends.Some men are better with other guys around to talk to and struggle a bit with female chat.I know I have the most fun when out with my girl friends but love DP to bits, we’re just different is all.