Married 60 years and fed up

If he asks why you have changed towards him , you have the perfect answer!

My friend was in a similar position. She contacted a female solicitor whom she knew well and her advice was on no account leave the family home because men have affairs which usually don’t last. It must be so hurtful but do your own thing and enjoy the years you have left. Don’t cook iron or shop for him and make a lovely bedroom for yourself with tv where you can find peace. Best wishes.

what is it with the over 80s?

It can be due to the start of dementia. A chap at my Art Group began to get more and more flirty and to leer at the women in the Group, commenting on their breasts and so on. He once phoned me about something to do with the Group and suddenly began saying "I am taking my trousers down and ....."

I hung up.

I do hope you now start putting yourself first and making the most of your life as others have suggested.
I'm in a similar position and I've just started to do exactly that.
In my case my husband seems to act as though he has done no wrong over the years or that I shouldn't remember or still be upset by it.
Family are not aware of his behaviour ( although I think my eldest son has some idea) he's good at being perfect in front of everyone else.
You deserve some happy times.

So many men have such massive egos. Because of it they are prepared to betray their loved ones, their loyal and supportive family and friends. For what, a bit of excitement, such pathetic peacocks. They do not care one jot about anyone else's feelings, just their own massive ego, it's only ever about their ego. Now I'm starting to rant. I'm sorry OP, he has caused you such unhappiness. Put yourself first and do the things in life you really enjoy.

Yes, I know. There are some really good men as well as some egotistical women

If you are so fed up that you are interested in meeting a different man, friend, or companion, well, that is another story.

After 60 years I would put up with it, but how on earth you did have after his treatment of you whilst in hospital I don't know.. If you get on well with your daughters I would ask advice. You have coped with this awful behaviour for many years whilst he continues his nice guy act. If he wants to leave fair enough, you like your home and would be fine, but I wouldn't move out and leave him with it. I feel so sorry you have lived this loveless marriage with him and all the time having no one to confide in. You matter and start putting yourself first. Its a good job he wasn't married to me.

I also have issues with my husband, not flirting or adulty, but his negativity about almost everything. He thinks he knows everything and try's to tell me what to do
None of this ever works with me I don't know why he even try's, I'm no shrinking violet.
I tell him exactly what I think, having said that me rub along. Married many years and at 80 I think like most of the ladies. We have a life together and apart doing things together and hobbies that are different.
I would never sell our home, I am comfortable and enjoy living where I am.
My children no what he is like and tell him what they think.
Carry on doing your own thing and enjoy life. Can you go away with friends for holidays or trips out. Try and think positive, I know how hard life can be at times but look to the future.

You’re right of course ladies it will be much better to stay put rather than move out into some grotty bedsit and be uncomfortable. I’ll stay in the lovely home I’ve worked so hard to make pleasant and make sure that I do my own thing and enjoy myself more, it won’t hurt him to sort himself out whilst I’m not around to be his slave and it will be lovely to have more visits with my lovely family and friends. I really can’t think what made me succumb to such negative feelings and at 80 years of age I’m certainly not looking for a new relationship. Thank you all for your advice and common sense.

Poppyred

Bit late to do anything now isn’t it. I would make him aware that you know what’s going on and ask him to stop. Maybe suggest that he’s making a fool of himself (and you!)

I wouldn’t tell your family what’s going on, what’s the point unless you intend to leave him. Do you need all the stress of divorce and financial implications at your age?

Good advice

I think Bluebell's advice is sound. He's a silly old buffer who thinks he can still pull the ladies. Well, if he was single with his own house and pension he could probably get a few interested but not for the right reasons. My advice would be start to live your own life, taking yourself to the cinema, hairdresser, shopping for new clothes/make up etc. Whatever takes your fancy and let him start to wonder about you. All depends whether you have your own income or not. I made sure I did. I pay same whack as he does into house. After that what's mine's my own to spend as I please. No permission needed.
I do seem to remember a poster from a few years ago coming on for advice about her husband who had become besotted by a young woman who had moved in across the street. The poster involved her family and it all went pear shaped, resulting in husband being whacked by boyfriend of said neighbour. She never posted again so no idea how it turned out but hope she emerged from it safely. Good luck.

Instead of telling your daughters outright why not ask them for advice?
I would also let him know what you know and then just agree that you should both live your own lives. Once he knows he hasn't got you anymore he will regret what he has done.

I would completely ignore his behaviour.. it's a bit pathetic really if he is actually flirting.. I bet the instructor gets quite a lot of thus sort of behaviour.. You have been enjoying a peaceful life together, why change that.. unless the instructor reciprocates..

Don't tell your daughters the truth about him -you'll only alienate them .
And don't confide in your friends unless you are really sure of them .

I watched my neighbour hanging her husband's washing onto the airer and cooking his evening meal having just returned from yet another trip to M and S with clothes for him to try on having returned the last set .
She'd been to work all day and was tired .
His van was outside their house and he'd done nothing all day .

Her reward ?

Having to listen to him bad mouthing her and then , complaining that she's hardly ever at home .
She doesn't want to be there with him .
I wouldn't either .
He's charming to me and to every other female neighbour .
I know another side of him .

So many women are little else , but glorified housekeepers to their spoilt husbands .

It's also very easy to flirt with ladies thinking that you are sexy at any age .
Three of us are bored listening to a guy , who frequents a local cafe .

I am so sorry you are having to put up with this. If his flirting is purely confined to the walking group you could try walking with the lady yourself and chatting away find out a lot more about her, what is she instructing on? If he tries taking it any further I think I would go on a long holiday to the daughters to think things over, I can’t imagine the instructor would be that interested. I have a friend in a similar situation what is it with the over 80s

kircubbin2000

Some 80 year old are quite interested in the Kama Sutra. I was pursued by one I met in the gym.

😂😂 pathetic!!

Bit late to do anything now isn’t it. I would make him aware that you know what’s going on and ask him to stop. Maybe suggest that he’s making a fool of himself (and you!)

I wouldn’t tell your family what’s going on, what’s the point unless you intend to leave him. Do you need all the stress of divorce and financial implications at your age?

There’s no point telling your daughters anything unless or until you leave him.

I just feel sad for you, and angry at your husband.

Just take stock, sit back and decide what works best for you, what you really want, and do it.

I agree with most on here about ensuring you’re financially stable.

Good luck

This makes for sad reading. I've been on my own by choice for over five years now and have never been happier.
I remember a conversation I had with my local priest when my marriage ended after twenty years.
He said he'd been to a fiftieth wedding anniversary party where the wife took him to one side and told him she would have left her husaband if she could. He said that I could and that is why I was doing it.
You must have had some happy times together surely? Or you would not have stayed so long.
What you do next is entirely your choice, but I would speak to your daughters. If they are married they are probably having difficulties of their own, and there is nothing wrong with letting them know. Over the years they have probably noticed more than you realise and are just going along with the game.
Wahtever you decide I wish you well. He doesn't deserve you of course, but think carefully about your own needs and the path you should now take. You have at least admitted it, so many just don't.

Some 80 year old are quite interested in the Kama Sutra. I was pursued by one I met in the gym.

You have held your family together whilst enduring your husband's faithlessness for most of your marriage ; now after a relative period of calm his selfishness has reared its ugly head again. Have you ever confronted him with his behaviour? He seems to have got off remarkably lightly and is once again causing you unhappiness, so tell him bluntly once,about what you know, and just how pathetic this last-gasp flirtation makes him, then concentrate on developing your own life and raising your self-esteem. Don't give up the life you have achieved; just stop centering it about him.

I wouldn't discuss the situation with your daughters; they live a long way away and have not witnessed much of their father's bad behaviour because you have protected them, rightly so while they were young. You are the adult in this marriage and have enabled them to go on to happy marriages. Cherish the good relationship you have with them and put yourself first; you deserve it.

I think there are many of us who, for one reason or another, have been married a very long time and have had enough. I decided a few years ago to simply get on with my own life. If we sold our house there wouldn’t be enough money to buy two places to live anywhere near here and I don’t want to move away from family and friends. I’ve joined various classes/ groups and even go on holidays with friends. It’s not ideal but seems to be the best solution. I know on Mumsnet the immediate response is always ‘leave him’ but isn’t always that easy.

I agree with Bluebell on this .
Just very carefully make your own life and do what makes you happy - develop and expand on your own hobbies and interests .
Just be careful not to give him any cause to manipulate your daughters into believing that you are the one at fault .
At age 80 , your husband is unlikely to be performing the karma sutra - it's just his last pathetic attempt .
I felt so sad when I read your post .

One of my friends was raced into emergency surgery and nearly died whilst her husband enjoyed flirty lunches with a colleague so -
you are not alone .

Well if you’ve been married 60 years you’re probably around 80ish and have put up with this crap all your married life so what’s the point of all the upheaval now
Move back into the spare bedroom if you’re not already in it and live the rest of your life doing whatever you fancy doing and leave him to have his affairs though if he’s over 80 as it appears he would be, he probably won’t be doing a lot

Enjoy life your own way whatever that might be