Well I would go back to a plan that I used to suggest to students when they were not sure how they wanted to go on. so take two sheets of paper. On one write all the negative things you feel about the situation, and on the other the positive things . Each time you write something fold the paper over so you cannot see it, as you do with a game of consequences. spend a couple of weeks adding to these lists and keep them private and dont cheat and peek at them. Then when you have a quiet time where you wont be disturbed open both sheets and look at them. You will start to see patterns in what you have written. You are not looking for a specific answer but to understand yourself more clearly . So, for example with the students, if someone wrote that they did not like working in a group, or they preferred to work alone, both of those imply that they would not be happy in an open plan office with lots of other people. So if you look at what yo have written when you have time and are in a quiet receptive mood to study the papers. I would suggest that you will either see an overwhelming clear view one way or the other or at least a clear leaning to show you where you might be happier. You could also spend a time on your own just thinking of a couple of situations. You are not hoping these situatuions arise but nevertheless they may help you. So you could imagine how you would feel if he were suddenly to die, or if he would decide to leave you, or to bring someone else into your home. They may sound farfetched but that is the point. If you feel quite horrified or more relaxed about something it will be giving you ideas as to where you are in your mind. But for now I would at least try to live , without deliberately being antagonistic, as you want to just for yourself. You are responsible for yourself not your husband , so now is the time to think what you would like to do or where you would like to be. I would prefer to be on my own but it would be freedom to just be responsible for myself and not be worrying about someone else. I do not think I could totally trust him to do as you ask, but only you can know what is right for you. What you dont want to do is just to carry on in the way you are doing now, because you could end up looking back over years and wishing you had not stayed in the situation you find yourself now. Best wishes and hope you do listen to your inner voice to think what is going to be best for your life now.You have done your best to live together with your husband but I do not think you should be unhappy or distressed for years , in a situatuation not of your making. You only have one life as far as we know. I believe if we do no harm to others and do our best to live in harmony with people and the world we are entitled to live our life to the full.
