Not sure of advice to give or how I handle this situation

Sadly, lippyqueen your story is oh so common - and not just because you are a step parent, even two naturl parents still together experience this.

There seems to be a belief in the generation below us that everything that goes wrong in their life is our fault and if life goes wrong blame your parents and estrange them.

We get so many stories like this on GN.

The only point I would make is about the terms of your wills. There are horror stories of second marriages where wills are made leaving everything to the surviving spouse, on the uderstanding that their will will share out the estate between all the children and after the first death the survivor remakes their will and leaves it all to their children only or their new lover or the cats home.

What would perhaps help would be to talk openly to all the children about the terms of your wills, which, I am sure, share money equally after the second death. Explain what you want to do and why, listn and, if possible, incorporate their suggestions and thenaafterwards remake your wills making sure that the conditions of the will are baked in so that the survivor, even if living in the family house until they die, cannot remake the will so that their spouses money goes, not to their children, but someone else.

Sounds like your husband did a great job with his kids when he was on his own and you both made a big effort to blend your families as best as you can.
Its never easy with second marriages and kids but they are all now grown up so why shouldn't you both enjoy yourselves and the life you have built together - they all have their own lives/families.
It strikes me that the son is just worried about any potential inheritance to fund his drifter lifestyle ?
I suspect he will regret his actions soon enough.

Give it time. It sounds to me as if your step-son had been drinking and rang his father in a rage.

Try to encourage your husband to stop trying to change his "drifter son". At his age, I would have been dreadfully annoyed if my parents had tried to influence the way I lived.

In a while, when your husband has got over this phone call a little, the two of you are going to have to discuss how you intend to leave your property, which depends very largely on which country you live in and what kind of finacial agreements you made when you married.

You have not necessarily either of you done anything wrong, either regarding your own children or your step-children. Today's youngsters feel little or no obligation towards family and honestly do not realise that we could possibly be hurt by their lack of interest or contact.

I’m so sorry to read your post. You and your hubby must be devastated . Our Children ( even when adults ) can be very self centred sometimes & take parents for granted .
I wonder if there is an under lying issue here . Has the son got himself into a financial mess and become dependant on expecting some inheritance than realised that you are his next in kin so might not get any inheritance unless your hubby has made a will .

Perhaps your hubby could ask to meet his son in a neutral place , just the two of them to have an adult conversation to see if they can resolve the current conflict . Good luck I hope you get a resolution

Good answers. I can only echo many of the thoughts.

Regarding wills and inheritance, personally I think it is unfair to rely on the surviving spouse to supposedly ‘ do the right thing’, as circumstances can change. They might even need to use all the money up in care costs, so their hands should not be tied to fulfil expectations, especially towards an estranged step-child.
We changed our house to tenants-in-common, so that we could each leave our half to our own children leaving the surviving spouse with a life interest, and freedom to downsize etc. so now that my husband has died, his children know they will eventually get his half. However my husband also left them part shares of his other assets, which therefore frees me to leave my assets to whoever I wish.
It is a tricky subject, especially where relationships are challenging. A good solicitor can advise.

Thank you for the advice above. We have both sought legal advice some years ago, knowing how difficult step families can be! I am hoping we have sorted the wills out as far as possible. From an emotional perspective it is so hurtful when we tried our best for years but still get accused of “not caring” about the this particular step son. No accusations have come from any of the others. I can only assume that as his chosen way of life has not brought him either financial or emotional success he is blaming us and more particularly his father. We have no lump sums of money to help him. All 4 of the step children were given a lump son at least 10 years ago with no stipulations on what/how to spend it. It feels very unjust and unfair although reading other Gransnet posts on here it seems to be very common!

The other perspective is that sometimes when adult children are stressed for all kinds of reasons and need to have a rant, they will turn on the people they most trust and relie on because they know they are 'safe'.

Some years ago DD and I were sitting chatting when she suddenly stopped the conversation and said she wanted to say something and I wasn't to interupt her, then in a quiet composed voice she listed all the ways I had failed her as a teenager.

When she was finished she resumed the previous conversation. I was left reeling, I felt a lot of her recollections were inaccurate, and I discussed the event with both my DH and DS afterwards, who confirmed that a number of her memories were wrong and events had not been as she remembered (she does acknowledge that she has a bad memory).

Nothing has been said since and I suspect she has forgotten about the event. At the time she was going through a difficult time and was very stressed and I think it built up and she knew instinctively that I was the one person she could vent to, who would take it calmly and not get upset and then let it rest. We remain as close to each other as we have always been.

I wonder whether something similar is happening here. This son knows that his parents have always been there for him and always will be and when things have got to much for him and he feels overwhelmed, he turns on them, not consciously but because he feels they are 'safe'. oddly enough this outburst could almost be a compliment to the support they have always given him!

Step-children, children and marriages are all minefields, imo.

Our own situation is 5 children between us, 3 biologically shared, 1 each prior to us getting together.

All our children are now adults.

When my dear DM died and I was the sole beneficiary I gave each of my (biological) children £10,000, our grandson, who was 8 and is my step-daughters son, £500 and some small pieces of jewellery to my step-daughter.

When I sold the house earlier this year I gave all 5 £1,000 each.

Our wills are mirror wills, in the event of us both dying together everything is split 5 ways, we have been together 30 years.

We have been very open with all our children and have also explained that as we both worked full time throughout our lives we intend to enjoy our retirement and do whatever we want, so long as we can afford it.

All our AC are fine with this.

Good luck in your situation

The son has had and is living the life that he wants to but when called out on it flies into a rage about his life growing up and a future inheritance. I suspect he may now be feeling regrets for his life to date but that is no reason to attack your DH. He's obviously chosen to forget that you all lived happily together and is now looking ahead thinking that he will have what his siblings have when your DH passes on.
No inheritance is a given unfortunately as you may both need care in the future and there may be nothing left. Plus you and your DH need to decide how and if any assets may be distributed when you pass on.
We (DH and I) had this discussion many years ago and made mirror wills accordingly - we have 5 children between us both from previous marriages. But they are all of the opinion that if there's nothing left - then so be it. We made our life together and if it goes on care or us having cruises then too bad.
My SD's mil made her house over to her two sons to avoid paying home care fees - not sure that I agree with that - but it was her decision. However, she now has dementia and care home living is a real possibility but she won't have to pay for it. My Sonil is of the opinion that the care is the same whether you pay or not. So why pay for it. The house was made over to her sons when their Dad died well over ten years ago so deprivation of funds will not come into it.
I think as others have said that DH's son was on one when he rang your husband - so let it lie. Maybe if you have get togethers with his siblings still include him (and keep on doing so) and give him the chance to grab the olive branch. If he chooses not to - that is his choice - you and DH have tried.
I have no idea of your financial circumstances, although as you say you gave lump sums but like many pensioners are unable to do so again. Whatever you and DH decide is down to you but if your DH feels he cannot include his DS in any potential inheritance then his DS has just shot himself in the foot.
His idea of you two not caring stems from jealousy somewhere in his life which is his problem not yours and DHs' I do hope your DH can come to terms with the devastating hurt and try frame this irrational behaviour as just that and that his DS comes to his senses before too long.

Why do some people think it's their right to demand who gets what in a Will. It just upset folk, your poor DH must feel so hurt. Do they treat the Mother like this? What she done about her Will? Two sided here.

We have made mirror wills and we have told our kids we are spending our money on ourselves before we pop are clogs.
No one gave us a handout, our children have inherited from Grandparents wills so are lucky.

The son in question behaved like a brat. Best ignored in my view.

As others have suggested, perhaps think about your will(s). If brattish son meant what he said he shouldn't expect anything though if he's that much of a selfish, immature brat he probably will. Sigh.

The comments about your mother's funeral gave me pause. My feeling is you shouldn't read too much into that. Your mum, though known to your stepchildren, is no relation. Perhaps that made a difference, especially if either of their own granmothers/fathers is still alive.

I'd assure my husband of my sadness he had had to listen to the rant. I'd not put much stock into anything that was said - staying silent.

On the inheritance bit - I think that's not a worry - son will receive or not, he's no choice in the matter - parent's decision.

We have been estranged from our adult daughter for many years. This situation is not uncommon at all and your husband and yourself need to put your own well-being first because it can be extremely stressful.
Your stepson is lashing out probably because his own life isn’t great right now and when that happens is easier to blame the parents than look in the mirror.
And stop blaming yourself imagining you made mistakes as a step mum, we all make mistakes, goodness knows our adult kids do too.
Am not suggesting for a moment that this will end in estrangement I am hopeful that the son will temper any future communication with his dad and that both of them can get together face to face to discuss thus sensibly.
With the will bring mentioned I may be reaching but think your stepson could have run into financial problems.
All the very best.