Dislike of driving

Monica yes exactly that route. It’s always easier than I imagine it’s going to be!
I used to drive to the centre of London but one year the car park I usually parked in was shut and my navigator was useless so we ended up going round and round (before sat nav’s). The following year I dithered and took the train from Redbridge instead. I’ve never driven in London since. Not that it’s a problem but I do try to make myself do things that I am not totally comfortable with. Like a local excercise class ‘use it or lose it’.

It’s a nuisance when you have an OH who wants the wheel the whole time. If together I have to say it’s my turn to drive today as I don’t want to be deskilled, it’s happened to many before.
Thankfully we do separate things also and drive both manual and automatic cars. So this helps to keep things going.

I have just done a Mature Drivers' Course and found it very useful. I don't know if every area does it, but here, the Institute of Advanced Motorists offer a free assessment session.
M0nica you are quite right, but I suppose my experience with my mum makes me wary of the point where confident becomes 'over confident'.
There is also a fine line between encouraging & supporting someone to keep up their driving skills (which I do fairly often) and pressuring them to do something they don't feel happy about.
Personally, I dislike driving, but these days dislike public transport even more - and there is very little nowadays where I live anyway. So having to drive is the price I pay for living where I love. I ensure that I am a safe driver.

It's probably best to stop driving if you know you have a reason to be safer that way. Extreme nervousness can cause accidents.

People can have very real reasons why they cannot drive and although it's a nuisance to others, anyone who is truly their friend would accept that they aren't able to and let them do other things to contribute.

PamelaJ1

It’s very common for people to lose their confidence. I had a client once who had driven all over the world and she was worrying about picking her friend up from Stansted airport 3 months before the friend was due to arrive.
If they can’t bring themselves to get behind the wheel then they just can’t. Some people will force themselves to and realise they have to keep going to keep their skills up and some won’t. Personally I have my driving fears and one of them is the South Mimms roundabout! I will be doing it again in a couple of weeks, I’m always positive that I will be in the wrong lane, haven’t been so far but never say never!
Just think how you would feel if they had an accident because they panicked.

Do you mean the one with the M25? This is one I negotiaate everytime I vist (or return from DD) and for years I was always very nervous about it, I didn't quite do it with my eyes closed, but you know what I mean.

However, I have now concentrated and mastered it. The secret is to follow the lane markings on the tarmac. I have to go from the A1 to the M25 westward, about as far round as you can go and once I realised that the secret was the lane markings, I have followed these meticulously. As they are painted on the road, if you are looking ahead you will always see them, unlike the overhead lane indicators that mean that you have to keep looking up. I now get round this roundabout without trouble and now even approach the M4 roundabout on the outskirts of Reading, with less trepidation than I did.

Being a confident driver, as distinct from over-confident, means that you still have manouvres/junctions/routes that one is less certain of and recognising that fact and not letting it undermine you as a driver.

M0nica, you're right up to a point. I have a young friend who felt that way and did one of the 'returner' drivers' courses offered by most instructors. She still doesn't like driving, but does what is needed.

However, there is a balance - and we don't know where OP's friends sit on that. My mother had always been a very confident driver - for many years a very good one, then a 'everyone else is wrong' one, and finally a dangerous one. She wouldn't listen to any family or close friends. Finally, the mechanic who had always serviced her cars offered to go out with her. She ran into a wall and held up traffic, and he was gently able to persuade her that it was time to stop.

I am also sympathetic to those who don't want to use public transport. I am not 'officially' disabled, but I do have some mobility problems. Being uncertain of where to go, unsure if you can sit whilst waiting, platform changes, timetable changes etc. are all a huge challenge.

Strangely enough, I just cried off a visit to a friend because I felt slightly unwell. She was sympathetic enough to know that I wasn't up to either driving or negotiating public transport, and didn't want to get there and find myself worse. We just re-arranged, both disappointed (though I think the new date will suit better generally).
I think that good friends do understand and OP is picking up undercurrents.

I can understand your disappointment, but there are genuine reasons for not driving.

I have had spells of enforced non driving for several reasons: heart attacks, unstable BP, vertigo and two years of sheilding.
There are genuine reasons for not driving, so please show some empathy.

I totally lost my confidence and was happy to let DH do it, even if I was well. However, I had a wake up call and realised that if anything happened to DH, I would be in a difficult position.
I started going out on my own, forcing myself to choose routes, I was nervous about.
Earlier this year, I changed to an automatic car and my confidence has soared.

Good for you Kim19. Really terrifies me when friends say 'oh I don't like driving, and DH does it all- but in an emergency I would drive'.

Driving is like most things 'use it or lose it'. If you keep your licence you need to practise and drive regularly. And an 'emergency' is the very last reason to get behind the wheel (and at night when most emergencies happen). Same with the 'only driving round our own area, and 'not that far' - those excuses are very scary too. A child, animal, elderly (sorry) or disabled person can cross in front of you anywhere, even just round the corner. A stupid driver could be overtaking on other side of the road and come straight for you, or a lorry or tractor pulling out- even just round the corner.

Back to your friends not coming- if they really wanted to come, they would use public transport.

Although I have a free bus pass and excellent bus availability, I make a habit of doing one longish journey a week in my car. This involves centre city driving and a short stretch of motorway. I know for sure I could lose my confidence if I didn't do so. I've seen this happen to so many friends and neighbours. Locally I just use it for heavy shopping, trips to the gardening tip and really inclement weather. Wouldn't like to be without the convenience yet.

I’m so pleased I took my friend’s advice and re-started my driving after covid. She said that I might need it one day. Recently my DH has been suffering from long covid and he can’t drive. Day by day my confidence is returning and DH is making less comments about my ability. I think I got a compliment yesterday. 😀

Disappointing for sure, we only have one spare bed, the other bedroom my wife uses as a craft room, we have friends and family couples stay a few times a year. If they cancel it’s no big deal, we enjoy driving so can visit them instead, when we have big family get togethers eldest daughter has more space

I now longer drive outside my comfort zone and won't give lifts anymore, as I find anyone in the car with me distracts me,
A large part of my job when working involved driving and I was always sharing the driving, but people change as they get older. What I do find annoying is the amount of ladies my age who have given up driving and are constantly asking for lifts, won't pay for a taxi, they have given up because they feel unsafe but take offence if you tell them how you feel. At a group I have just joined, eight people put their names down for an event not reached by bus eight miles away, providing someone gave them a lift. Those with cars didn't want a couple of extra people to drive and pick up and be tied to when they wanted to leave, so I didn't go as I woukd have stressed.
I would leave the ball in your friends court, I wouldn't want to go somewhere if I or my partner was ill, but if the driving is a problem and they won't get taxis that's their choice.

After being taken off driving for a year because of cataracts, I am now driving again post op. I try to set myself a target each day of the regular haunts and just keep doing them till I can do them on auto pilot. I find though that using a smaller car is helpful and I am looking for one with a reversing camera.

S Mimms is a bit of a nightmare isn’t it? I don’t mind so much if I am eastbound on the M25 but if I am coming home you seem to be going round and round and round before rejoining the motorway and I have to really be in extremis to stop there !
I also hate joining motorways- once I’m on I’m fine but coming down the slip road with what looks like an unbroken stream usually of lorries, really puts my bp up. But I have to “feel the fear and do it anyway” or I would lose my independence. 🙁
An article I read in the DT said one of the signs of ageing is cancelling arrangements or declining usually through lack of confidence. I recognise I’ve done that before and need to give myself a kick up the wotsit sometimes.

It’s very common for people to lose their confidence. I had a client once who had driven all over the world and she was worrying about picking her friend up from Stansted airport 3 months before the friend was due to arrive.
If they can’t bring themselves to get behind the wheel then they just can’t. Some people will force themselves to and realise they have to keep going to keep their skills up and some won’t. Personally I have my driving fears and one of them is the South Mimms roundabout! I will be doing it again in a couple of weeks, I’m always positive that I will be in the wrong lane, haven’t been so far but never say never!
Just think how you would feel if they had an accident because they panicked.

Blimey. I couldn't be doing with 3 sets of visitors in a week. Are you running a B&B OP! In future, why not just book a nice relaxing break away and please yourself.

But drivers who do not feel confident, drive less and feel even more uncomfident, until they stop driving completely. My lovely DiL has done that.

On the other hand, the more you drive, the more experience you get and the more confdent you feel. I found myself loosing confidence this year, having not driven much since COVID. My solution was to set out and drive a much as I could, and within the month i was cnfident and DH commeneted that my driving had improved as well.

i think they are wise not to drive if they do not feel confident in doing so.
it's not something to be pushed through, like going to the gym; it has safety implications for wider society.

Lots of us lose a bit of confidence with driving as we age. I wonder how long 'too far to drive' was for your friends. DH has Parkinsons so I now do most of the driving. We are about 7 hours from our brothers/sister and I will continue for a few years more, hopefully, but I can't say I look forward to it. I really dread the motorways in heavy rain particularly. Strangely the prospect of any of them driving to us is considered 'to far'! My sister did offer to put me on her insurance so if we travelled by train or coach I could then borrow her car to do other visiting. Sorry, no help with your situation ST, just me letting off steam.

So sorry you have been let down, you must feel very disappointed.
Of course, you know your friends and what would be normal for them. I know that if DH or I were ill / injured, the other one wuldn't go, we'd be around to care for each other. We might go to good friends in that circumstance, with the well one driving, but it's not nice feeling incapacitated when you are a guest. And I hate public transport if I'm not at my best!
I would also point out that when it comes to driving, no-one should do any journey where they feel unsafe - that's a time when 'pushing through' may be dangerous.
It seems that this situation gives you an ideal response 'Let me know when you are feeling better / able to drive, and we'll see what we can arrange', That puts the ball in their court whilst being perfectly pleasant.
I hope you can arrange a little treat for yourself to make up for the let-down

Could just all be a case of "bad luck"?
I certainly would not drive with a sprained ankle for instance.

Can’t these visitors use the train, then you could pick up from the station?