Feel like a failure

I find it so difficult to understand why some people are just fake, pretending to be all nice, want to know all your business and then when you are no use to them anymore they toss you aside. Making genuine friends is something I seem to be finding difficult in my senior years. I trust maybe too easily, wear my heart on my sleeve and will do anything for anyone but I am always the one who message's first and sometimes which is so hurtful I think is when you message someone and they read your message and don’t respond - I can’t get use to that! It makes me feel very sad I thought I was a good judge of character but clearly not.

Stating the obvious here but, a loving husband wouldn’t expect sex if it was painful for his wife. And - intimacy is very much more than sex.
Look after yourself and expect more from hom

You say you are not avoiding sex - does this mean that you and your husband are sleeping together regularly, or do you mean that the reason you are not have relations with him is you poor health?

If you and your husband are no longer in a physical loving relationship because of your ill-health, then he certainly does have a problem.

I am not saying you should have sex if you don't feel up to it, but I know how hard explaining to a husband that you love him, but you do not want to sleep with him is. There is no way you can do so, that I have come across, without hurting him badly.

No woman, I have ever met, feels like sex when she is poorly and certainly not with the problems you describe, and it is all very well saying your husband should understand this, but men do not necessarily understand at all, because a man has to be practically at death's door, not to want and desire his wife!

Try to find out what the time-frame for some of the specialists' appointments will be, and try too to do something to help you sleep better. Most of us do need to get up to wee at night, can you not get back to sleep afterwards?
If this is the problem, try drinking lots of fluids early in the day, and don't drink anything for an hour or so prior to bed-time.

Then the more mundane considerations: how old is your mattress? A new one might just help you to sleep better.

His remark may have been made in a fit of pique, but is more likely due to sexual frustration. So you and he do really need to try to discuss this frankly, giving each other time to express your thoughts and wishes.

You may want to consider not taking the HRT advice - with your medical history, you need to ask your GP whether i t would be safe, as I have always understood the HRT increases the risk of cancer.

Your husband is ignorant about your suffering. He can't help being what he is. Does he ever consider non penetrating sex?

Have you seen a dietician about your various problems, especially about eating and drinking in the evening and having to wake up to pee frequently?

I recommend a sitz bath (bidet) .,preferably without soap, and gently patting dry. In addition of course to what your doctor or nurse prescribes. Cotton knickers and no tights as fungal infections get better quicker if there is air circulating.

At about your age I developed osteo arthritis and was greatly helped by a reflexologist (temporary help) and a chiropractor who sorted out arthritis in my lumbar spine and pelvic joint.

You are not a failure as your earlier years were so successful. Losing sleep would tend to make you introspective and melancholy.

My heart bleeds for your poor OH getting no sex - the poor poor man.

I would be having words with this fellow and telling him that he should be helping you and being sympathetic. His attitude is appalling! What is he doing to support you?

OP even if you are not wanting systemic HRT, you might ask your provider if vaginal estrogen treatment might be an option for you. I am not certain of the current guidelines but I know it used to be the case, at least, that topical vaginal estrogen could be used even by women who didn't want to use HRT or couldn't use it, because the systemic absorption is minimal.

Given the frequent loo use at night I'd also recommend getting screened for diabetes if you haven't been recently. Type 2 diabetes can come on slowly and the symptoms aren't always dramatic, but urinating a lot at night is one of them.

Being intimate and having sex are not exactly the same thing. It sounds as though he wants you to painfully give him the latter but doesn't want to give you the kindness of the former.

My health problems seemed to start in my early 50s menopause wise HRT didn’t help or agree with me. I developed osteoarthritis in various joints I had hip replacement. I had other surgery in different joints one problem seems to follow another. Including sleep deprivation so I am now often a night owl.
Your DH sounds only interested in what he wants with a one track mind. You quite clearly need a discussion about that issue. No you are not a failure you are like many as you age deprived of good health and support from those who should give it. What you do enjoy in life to distract you be it hobbies cooking gardening whatever it is embrace it be selfish and enjoy you deserve it 💐

You are certainly not a failure it makes me very sad that your husband is acting this way. ( in sickness and in health) I too was very fit till I got to 42 I had to learn to walk again after having condition that took my left side was in wheelchair for a while. I then was diagnosed with two rare autoimmune illnesses liver related I am and always have been non drinker and smoker. Blood tests every month continuously steriods since 07 continuously never been off them. I’m a very positive person and always grateful to wake up every morning as I have the mindset of another day let’s see what this day brings. I’m 7 years older than you. But to me age is a number. I never think I’m getting old I walk daily because of what happened to me at 42 I can no longer run rush do any arobics jump or anything like that. All I can do is walk so that’s what I do. Be kind to yourself. And like others have said speak to your GP to see what can be done. Take one step at a time and each day is a new day hopefully you will get sorted very soon . Sending a big hug to you!

You are not a failure!! I echo Jane judge, ask your GP to see if you have lichen sclerosis. It may would well be the cause of some of your symptoms. I was diognosed a few years ago , it is an unpleasant condition but I have it under control at the moment. I wash my knickers on their own ( no tops or trousers in) and NO washing powder , not even non bio. It took a few washes to get rid of powder residue but I am much better than since doing this .
I also use Vagirux - a vaginal tablet . This has made a massive difference to my night time toilet trips. No matter what time I went to bed I was up every two hours to wee. Prior to Vagirux I was almost as bad during the day , every step I took was like something bouncing in my bladder!! Vagirux has changed my life . PLEASE try to see a GP or practice nurse- God luck and keep us posted. 💐💐

Apart from your health issues, I think you have a husband problem. He sounds selfish and entitled. Remember in sickness and in health? Well, he isn't a shining example is he.

You've undoubtedly spent a life time caring for him and borne his children and now, in your time of great need, all he can think about are his own sexual desires. This is unfortunately a very common theme with men. They are socialised to put themselves first (even above their own children sometimes) and they don't usually hesitate to do so.

He is intimidating and humiliating you when you are at your lowest ebb and when you need care, understanding and compassion. There will come a time when his health will falter and he will no doubt look to you for the aforementioned qualities.

You are not the failure, he is, and I feel angry on your behalf.

And you say you are seeing specialists regularly so I hope they can help you.
All best wishes.

First of all do you have a wee infection?
Take a sample to the docs and get an appt or do an econsult.
You can now get local acting creme from pharmacies. Forget what it's called.perhaps worth a try.
You are definitely not a failure and need to look after yourself.

You are definitely not a “failure” in any sense of the word, BUT I totally emphasise, I believe many of us feel similar.

It sounds like you set yourself some physical challenges with running (something I have never been able to do!) and now your life is full of challenges of a different kind.
You can rise to them- be determined to get the right treatments, support and help you need for your health and also your mental health is being challenged by this negativity.
Coming on here has been a good step in the direction of getting yourself back together- you can do it!
I am 67 now and much healthier than I was at 60!

You are not a failure: you are someone going through a tough time. Be kind to yourself.
Hopefully, some of these medical issues will be resolved and you will feel brighter. Until then, treat yourself as you would treat a friend in a difficult situation, with compassion ( and a few pampering experiences, whatever that might be for you)

I suspect many of us are living with similar tough stuff as you ftm420, we didn’t expect getting older to be a doddle but didn’t realise quite what a challenge it can be.
Your post reminded me that I believe we need medics with particular interest and knowledge of women’s health. We are expected to live with levels of pain and exhaustion that don’t affect men. Periods, pregnancy / childbirth/difficulty conceiving, peri menopause, menopause and all the things yiu refer to relating to our vaginal areas.
I also wonder whether HRT should be more freely prescribed

i am sorry you are feeling so low. It is hard to cope with a lot of things at once and the lack of sleep does pull you down a lot and I find that aches and pains seem to be more noticeable when you have had little sleep. But whilst I can understand you mourning what has gone, I think this will not help you in the future. My best advice is to look around to see what you might enjoy now. You have done your best over the years and now you should put yourself first . I know that is hard as we have all been used to putting ourselves last. However I think it will be a way forward that might be good for you. So you could look at the various areas. I sleep badly, have back problems and cancer. So as they say if you have lemons make lemonade! I now go swimming 2 or 3 times a week and as I wake up very early and in pain I get to the swimming pool for about 7am when they are open. They have a chair to get me into the water which helps. So once I am in the water it takes about 4 lengths for the pain to ease off and then I usually do about 20 lengths in total but at my own pace. I get out feeling in less pain and refreshed, have a short time in the sauna and then go to a cafe for a decent coffee and am still home by about 9am. I would prefer to sleep of course, but this does help me loosen my body and also gives me that sense of enjoying the lovely morning to myself. When the weather is good , go outside, even just into the garden. Jobs can wait , you are more important than the ironing! Chuck routines out of the window and go by your own feelings and energy. Of course basic food and cleaning have to be done but there is no set timetable. When I have had a rotten night I have given up and got up and done all sorts of quiet jobs, sorting papers, ironing, cleaning the worktops etc etc That has given me some satisfaction rather than just lie in bed and feel upset that you cant sleep. Dont argue with your husband about things, just do as he has no doubt done for years , do what YOU want and need to do for yourself. My greatest thing is that I have my wonderful Swaledale to console me. There have been many nights when I have given up and got up at 4 am or whatever, made some coffee etc and shoved on some clothes and driven up there to see the dawn. It always makes me feel better and to feel part of everything. Just think what things you have always loved and they need not be expensive things. Going for a walk by a river, meeting a friend for a coffee at a really lovely garden somewhere , walking round the garden with secateurs at the ready so you think of politicians or anything that is annoying y ou as you snip. Every little bit of joy will help you to find a new way to some pleasure again. Remember you are worth it and be kind to yourself. Whenever you feel down just try to think of something good to do . I wish you all the best and as we say "Dont let the beggars grind you down!"

Am afraid the menopause has a lot to answer for. I have suffered similarly and know what you are talking about. I went through it many years ago but still have sleepless nights, anxiety, dry everything, and stiff aching limbs that I am told is not arthritis because there are no inflammatory markers. Am in my late sixties now and with every routine blood test suspect something will come back with an abnormal reading because I feel so weary and unwell a lot of the time. But don’t go to docs because they just say is my age.
Your husband sounds insensitive, admittedly mine who is in his mid seventies has prostate problems so he doesn’t want sex very often either. But you do need to tell him that things are really tough for you right now, is nothing to do with him, and that you would really appreciate his support.
But hey you are no old lady, neither am I.
And we deserve better at a time when we should be able to enjoy our lives.
Could be that you are feeling depressed, in any case is no harm raising the possibility with your GP.
All the very best.

Your husband doesn’t sound very understanding.

Are you able to take HRT?

You are NOT an old lady.

Have you had a biopsy for lichen sclerosis? It can be. It can be common around the vulva and perennial area, thinning of skin etc

You are still young and fit. Age is a number