How to turn down a wedding invitation for next summer

If you looked after this man's children and he sends you a sumptuous hamper every Christmas, you are very much a part of his life and history. You were an enormous support when his first wife died and now he has found happiness again, he feels it fitting that you are part of the celebration. I am sure his children, with whom you must have formed a close bond, would be thrilled to have you there too. The invitation is a gracious acknowledgement of your role in all their lives. If the venue isn't far away why don't you attend alone without your anti social DH? You could always say he was under the weather. Nobody would take much notice of that and it's you they really want there anyway.

I call her my ‘surrogate’ daughter as I don’t know of another way to refer to her. I was (a substitute, especially deputising for another in a specific role) (one appointed to act in place of another ).

I would speak with the daughter as you are close to her.
She (or he) may see you as the link - sort of - between his wife 20 years ago and his new wife.

It feels like a continuum and fitting that you meet (and hopefully like) his new wife.

He still remembers what you did to support him all those years ago.
He is moving into a new phase now. I think he may feel you can give your "blessing" in a way.

I can’t quite work out the relationship here. What is a surrogate daughter?
I disagree with others and think that at n9 months distance just saying you can’t attend with no explanation will look rather curt.
Could you thank them for the invitation, say that your plans for next summer are very uncertain and you’ll let them know early in the new year?

Thank you 🙏

Good luck Gingster with whatever you decide.

I understand your reluctance in that case Gingster. However, it sounds like you would be happy to go, so if that happens, I’m sure his daughter would really appreciate it.

Thanks for all your replies.

If it was just me, I think I would go along. Dh is very unsociable and would really be uncomfortable, which in turn would make me on edge.

I’ll give it some more thought for a week or so and I’m sure I’ll come to a decision. I will talk to his daughter about it and see what she thinks. If she would really like me to be there, of course I’ll go.

The venue isn’t far away and is a really lovely place, so I’m very honoured to get the invite.

Thanks everyone, again.

They are only trying to work out numbers and will not be at all offended by a refusal. You could send a gift nearer the time

Will you turning down the invitation impact on your relationship with the daughter?
Perhaps talk to her about it.
Otherwise as it so far off you could say that reluctantly you will have to turn the invitation down as you plans for next year are uncertain presently.

It seems to me that if you reply now, saying that you are unable to attend, without giving a reason, the groom and his family will obviously realise that you don't want to go. Won't that make you feel bad?

Think back to when you were a teenager and how you felt about going to new places or meeting new people. You are a grownup now and should be able to cope with this situation. You might even meet some new people who could be potential friends.

OldFrill

Thank you for your very kind invitation, unfortunately we are unable to attend.
With our very best wishes for your future together.
"The Gingsters"

Lovely reply. Precisely all that is needed.

Thank you for your very kind invitation, unfortunately we are unable to attend.
With our very best wishes for your future together.
"The Gingsters"

I agree with Elrel. You played an important part of their lives, clearly, since he continues to send lovely hampers.
Also as MissA suggested, a short break in the area might be nice.

If you really don’t want to go, then do as the 3 posters advise.

I sense that attending would push you both out of your comfort zones - I would feel the same to be honest. But, you have known the 'children' for so long and were obviously a very important part of their early years, it does seem that you are important enough to them all to be invited to share his special day and that is all it is, just one day.
Think carefully before turning down the invitation, you surely won't be the only ones there who don't know many others and you could always make an excuse to leave respectfully early if you felt uncomfortable.

Agree with Baggs I never give a reason if I turn down an invitation. It's sufficient to say, I regret I am unable to come but I hope you have a wonderful day, or words to that effect. I'd also make a note of the date and send a card wishing the happy couple well.

I would be effusive with my thanks for the invitation but say you will "not be able to attend". Politeness does not require you to give a reason.

Thank you for your kind invitation, unfortunately we will be unable to attend, either on the official RSVP or in a note card.

Most people would just accept that , however if asked either tell the truth or invent a prior engagement. Do it soon or it will pray on your mind.

Go...Sounds like a mature "grown up" wedding so probably more low- key.

I expect the invited guests will have quite a bit in common with you.
I agree make a nice trip out of it.

Twenty years ago you supported this family when they were in a sad and difficult situation. It may be that the father and his three adult children regard you as family too, are deeply grateful to you, and would like you and DH to share their happy occasion. It could be that feelings would be hurt if you decide not to go, you must have been such an important part of those children’s lives.

You could book yourself a little holiday for that time.

Yes,….why not go ? It might surprise you and you will enjoy the day.

The gentleman obviously has regard for you and wants you to be there.

Don’t turn friendship away.

Perhaps the children have asked for you to be invited?

I think that perhaps you should go. It's quite often that people at weddings don't know many others there. In any event his 3 children will be there. I'm sure that the bride and groom will plan table settings carefully so why should you feel like a fish out of water?