Advice on getting on with my life

Lippyqueen, I am so glad you seem to have good health. Things get more difficult when you don't so get on with it whilst you are able.

Feelings are not good things to be led by when they leave you in this kind of quandary. Do things! Get busy at whatever interests you or seek out some new interests and be led by your actions/activity.

Before anyone gets all shirty, I'm doing this. It works. If I had allowed my feelings to lead after my daughter died ten months ago, I'd be a wreck.

When I say it works I mean distraction from what is pulling you down works. At this point I remember my old school motto: Action Not Words. Action Not Feelings would work well too.

You have summarised the situation well in your own words: "The feeling of where do I fit in is constant and I suppose the answer is, I don’t!"
So, having provided yourself with the answer to what you want but can't have, find something else. Looking for 'permission' is just an avoidance tactic. Tackle the problem head on. Good luck!

lippyqueen Believe me you are not alone feeling this way. When your family is young, they want and need you. They flee the nest and you are no longer needed in the same way. I even wonder do they actually want you as well? Is it just for what you can do or for them or give them? All my friends say it is worst when you have sons? Christmas throws so many emotions at you all at once. It is like a bucket of iced water thrown all over you all at once. How on earth can you not feel it? It will get better as you do get used to the 'feeling'. This time of year just emphasises so much. Be kind to yourself.

Life throws all sorts of challenges at us. At 78 I wonder why I am still running the house and DH is still working full time. But when DD and her 2 children leave ( they are with us half the time) I feel so empty.
I must say I feel better now stopped taking the statins. And I do take vit d.Sometomes these moods can be down to a physical cause.

Very true Allsorts, I hadn’t thought of being loaned them and it is a great way to look at it.
I am generally feeling better than when I originally posted and so many feel the same way. Rabbitgran had a very similar situation. The advice on here is very helpful.

We all feel like you do Lippyqueen, but it's a stage in life we all have to face, we are lower in the pecking order . You have your husband, I miss mine so much, find something which you enjoy just for yourself, I like crafts and walking and also plan things to do as a couple with no ties, Our children are only loaned to us to care for until they fly the nest. Our life revolves around them for so many years it would be odd not to miss that.

Many thanks for your post, Lippyqueen. You have described what I have been increasingly feeling with 1 set of grandchildren now grown up, another 2 years old grandchild living across the world. My family are all very busy (as I was at their ages) and visits and phone calls are becoming increasingly rare. I have mostly stopped initiating contact as it seems to irritate them. I was lucky to have an extended visit to see my young grandchild for the first time this year but getting to know and love him has almost made my sorrow worse. I have felt very anxious and down and am trying to fill my life with other things and think positively but my heart's not in it. I think that maybe we have such an intense and necessary focus on our children and grandchildren, it takes time to retrain our emotions when we are not really needed anymore. I am desperate not to bother my family with this and to keep my mental health which I feel is slipping but I am getting help through my GP now. It doesn't really help that I moved from a very nice place to be near my daughter and grandchildren (at her request), makes it worse really and I do wonder if moving away now might help me to be less needy. Also many thanks to the posters who have suggested helpful strategies for dealing with empty nest 2. I will definitely be trying out these ideas.

I love that so many of you “get it”. Many thanks for all the input.

Yes luluaugust, that is it exactly. DGC are teenagers. Learning to drive and lots of stuff where as you say we don’t fit in. DC enjoying their freedom and opportunities. I am quite a young grandmother at 68 so can join in at various times. I love going to watch them doing their sporting activities. I think we will just call it empty nesting no 2! You have hit the nail on the head too.

lippyqueen yes I understand what you are saying. It is a form of empty nesting and I am going round the second time, DGC all now grown up and doing their own thing whilst the DC are making the most of the new opportunities to do likewise. Where do we fit in, I reckon this is a new bit of life and we are almost the first generation to enjoy it. You sound like you are out and about and doing and at 77 I now take an interest in what goes on in the family but have learnt not to mind that I can’t join in with and be part of everything that is going on. Take care of yourself.

Getting on with your life, especially if you’re feeling stuck or uncertain, involves a combination of self-reflection, practical steps, and a positive mindset. Here are some strategies to help you move forward:

Identify Your Goals: Think about what you want to achieve in various areas of your life, such as career, relationships, health, and personal growth.

Consider what is most important to you and how you can align your actions with your core values.

Break your long-term goals into smaller, manageable tasks. This makes them less overwhelming and more achievable.

Develop a timeline for achieving your goals and stick to it. Regularly review and adjust your plan as needed.

Physical Health: Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and adequate sleep are crucial for overall well-being.

Mental Health: Practice stress-reducing activities like meditation, journaling, or talking with a therapist. Seeking professional help can be very beneficial.

I hope this help, feel free to reach out to me.

If people don’t want honest answers to their “quandaries,” they shouldn’t post on social media. I worded my response with care, in the hope that OP might be able to shift her perspective. In my view, some people really do have a “poor me” mentality and it’s a huge drain on their nearest and dearest.
One can be unkind though and in that case it’s better to say nothing at all.

I feel like this lippyqueen. I am volunteering, attending U3A, going out with friends, but nevertheless there is a lost feeling. A yearning for the times when I didnt have to look for activities to fill my days because they were bursting at the seams with a job, pets, children, parents to visit, constant activity and challenge. So many people needed my input I struggled to get any 'me time'. Now its all 'me time' and it makes me feel a bit useless. I try to remember that in the past I was often completely stressed and overworked and its easy to look back with the rose tinted specs on. I dont have any answers, but I do empathise and share your feelings.

Yes I agree that a couple of posters have been quite unhelpful and unkind. “Getting off my backside” as posted above really isn’t very constructive and if the poster had read my replies they would realise that I am actually quite busy and fill my time productively. It is a feeling I was trying to describe and many of you have definitely picked up on this and had similar feelings. I’m not sure why my reply has been deleted and the negative unhelpful posts left there. Thank you to those who have given positive and helpful advice and it is nice to know that other’s experience the same feelings.

Before posting, I had just read a thread discussing 'disappeared posters' and people wondering why and then I read the unkind posts above. For heaven's sake, how about a bit of compassion for people who post feeling at a loss, they help some of us to know we aren't alone. You don't know the full story behind what people say, what kind of lives or losses they have had and being unkind is horrible and mean, certainly not remotely helpful.

I know what you mean OP. I have three adult daughters who are all madly busy in either wonderfully worthwhile careers or doing all sorts of adventurous activities or travelling.

I was enjoying myself before lockdown with various activities including volunteering but what I notice now is that where I live, on the edge of the Cotswolds has many fewer vacancies for volunteers. I think this must be because of the shift of population out of the cities, there are lots of Londoners here now and certainly more people and more traffic. All our local charity shops, animal rescue centres, hospices are literally overflowing with volunteers.

I am a member of several U3A groups which is a life saver because otherwise, having reached the grand age of 70, I often feel at a loose end and wonder what I am for!!

I didn't feel quite as you do - I wonder if it's because I had 5 children.. more than many so they can "share me about a bit".

There is usually one of them asking about me and interested in my life!
The downside is 3 of them would like to organise it for me!

I confess I'd like to do more family picnics and lunches - but am fortunate that 2 live quite locally and 2 visit fairly often.

I think I really didn't give a lot of my family time (as a mum) to my parents - so I don't expect it... Maybe I would have spent more time with them if they had lived longer - but I was only 35 when they died.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

I understand how you feel you just want your family to want to spend time with you sometimes and be interested in what you are doing. They lead busy lives and although you are doing all the right things feel a bit sad occasionally that you are on the outside looking in. I get what you are saying completely. 💐

Imo the above reply is not helpful at all. I’m shocked by it and hope the OP is not phased by it.
I have felt very lonely in the years after my children left home. It took me ages to realise how down I was, almost like bereavement. It didn’t help as my husband worked a long way away and could only come home every three weeks.
My sons are settled and quite happy with their lovely families, so I eventually moved to London to be with my husband to save him the commute.
I made a life for myself, have 2 p/t jobs I enjoy and in the holidays I/we visit our families. It hasn’t been easy though, I do so empathise with those who find Empty Nest Syndrome difficult. I hope you realise that this is now YOUR TIME.
You can enjoy it, knowing you’ve done a grand job💕

Get off your back side and stop being self-pitying. There are many charities out there looking for volunteers. I'm 83 been a widow for 17 years, have three sons, four grandsons and three great grandchildren, they do not live close by but I've never thought like you.

I do understand you. As much as I respect all the advice given here about how to get busy may I say in my experience this is just a sticking plaster for the soul. That empty bereft feeling of not belonging in your family’s lives is still there. And it will not go away. It’s more a question of accepting that it will most probably be your constant companion. And finding ways of accepting it and live with it. We do become irrelevant not matter how much we try to ignore the fact.

Ah but I think she is feeling sorry about herself Lostglasses. She has many things to be grateful for and perhaps should practice gratitude. I didn’t mean to be unkind but the OP needs to wake up.

Be kind to your self & spend a little time thinking is there something you have always wanted to do,you could try it now,
book a few days away somewhere,try to have some adventures.
If your health allows plan short walking trips,different parks every day,have a picnic,just easy things to fill your time.
See if there are classes you fancy,crafts,yoga,swimming,water walking.Read books or magazines on line or visit the library.
Make lists of everything you fancy & work through them,have coffee or lunch with friends.Could you meet a family member at their lunch hour from work,easy way to have a short visit without interfering with their weekends.
Good luck & don’t stress about it,it will work out fine.

lippyqueen you seem to have a busy enough life. If you do any more, you’ll wear yourself to the ground. Compared to you , I’m a lazy so-and-so. 😫