Relationship with son breaking down.

Oops ... " your OH is less worried"

I do not think you should conclude that he loves you any less. Did you stop loving your parents when you moved on and established your own family and inevitably saw less of them?
We no longer live in small communities with family nearby.. children go to uni or other training and settle elsewhere. Travel is the norm now.
Please do not give him any grief over this ... that will push him away.
You say your is less worried about this so maybe try and take your lead from him if you can. A life devoted to our children is par for the course, but maybe when they leave it is a chance to do some new things together and foster a closer relationship with spouses. Sometimes that is not easy after the pattern if family life we have become used to.
I would love to have my OH still with me so we could enjoy time together.
Grasp this new phase of life as an opportunity. Give your son his freedom.

Could you be being needy?

Most of the people around me see their children a lot more.
Totally due to circumstances.
One even has one living with her and the other about to move very near.
Such is life.

On the other hand
Have there been some instances lately, on either side, which may contribute to a break down?

Good heavens, Jojo. Your son is 31 years old and lives with his girlfriend. Presumably he works and has a social life too. How close do you want to be? Are you expecting to replicate his childhood or teenage years? He's found a partner now and his life revolves around her and the plans they share together. This is absolutely the natural order of things. Wanting to be "loved more" is one sure fire way to drive him away completely. Assuming he isn't unpleasant or rude to you then I would say everything is perfectly normal. Get on and enjoy your own life with your husband who I suspect would like to hear a little less about the situation.

My sister is always at great pains to tell me how close her adult children are with her and her DH, frequent phone calls, meet ups, helping them with jobs around the house etc.

Our own DD lives overseas so we see little of her, and our DS lives locally but can go for weeks without much contact, no fall outs or anything, just busy with his own work and family.

Often think it’s a form of ‘one upmanship’ with sister, but hey ho…

Perfectly normal. Let him go now mamma. You have raised him. He is on his own now. Get on with your own life. He has too. Don't be a weirdo.

What I have found is that you can't compare what others have as it makes you feel a failure. My son and I always close but now it's an odd hour with him, my d estranged me. both successful people have good marriages and I have to acceot that this us the way they want it. Living their lives in their own way, they both know how much I miss them and care.

Just go about your work and life as you normally would. I used to visit my parents infrequently when in my 30s as I was growing into my own person and they were safe although I was very close to them. Send him a text once a week to say you hope all OK and let him know if there is something serious that has happened i.e. the cat's been very ill or something to that effect. You will still be there humming in the background but he will be occupied with his new life and love. Don't smother him but if there is seriously anything very up, let him know. Is he an only? It can be worse with that.

It is normal he has less interest in your and your husband's lives - he is an adult and living with his partner

How often do you keep in touch?

Do not compare what other families do around you - there is not "normal or average"

Beware of your expectations as in many threads, it is the source of conflict

My experience is with daughters - and mine are no different from sons in my mind. They both went to Uni some miles away, and one stayed in the city of her Uni, 200 miles away. We were in contact with the closer one but once she met "the one" much less so. She has made an effort since they had children as we like to help out (every few weeks) and phones weekly. The other was quite lax at contact till her first long-term relationship (7 years and engaged) broke down very badly - and she was on the phone then several times a day! I was a life-saver to her, though she never saw my tears, and since then (now 11 years ago) has phoned weekly at least. She's now married but still phones weekly and we visit her abt 3 times a year, and we try to share Christmas and some birthdays together with her sister and family. I don't think that is bad, though I'm still envious of friends whose children live round the corner and they see them almost daily.

I brought them up to be independent so can't complain that they are!

How long ago did he leave home? You will have been close if you were in daily contact, but obviously that will lessen with distance and a girlfriend.
It doesn't mean your relationship is breaking down though, try and understand it's evolving as it should. He's building his own home and family unit just as you did.

Do you like and get on with his girlfriend? That will always help!

We have a family WhatsApp group for everyone: ourselves, adult children and partners, to keep in touch and share what we've been up to, cartoons we've spotted, news items, general chat, and we find that works well.
I wouldn't say the adult children take much interest in our lives as in ask about us in a formal manner, but they will comment if we post a photo of somewhere we've been for example.

Please don't compare how often your friends hear from or see their children, all families are different.
Make the most of enjoying your time with your husband again now 🤗

Please don't take it personally. It sounds pretty normal to me . I know I shouldn't generalize and can only speak from my own experience. We have one son and two daughters, one daughter is often in contact and calls in fairly often, our other daughter messages and pops in occasionally, our son responds to messages but we don't see so much of him . We love all three and accept the differences in them . They all live within striking distance. Once ' children ' have partners or spouses their lives change and that is the natural course of events. Your sons priority now is his girlfriend and so it should be! Your relationship hasn't broken down it has changed and parents must take that on board. Invite him and his girlfriend round for a meal occasionally not regularly. My Mum was a very wise and sensible woman , just before I married she said to me ,
" I am not one of those mothers who expects to come round for lunch every Sunday. She never intruded and respected our new status as a married couple. We were close and I follow her example with our own AC.
Your son is living his life , it is hard to recognize that as parents we are no longer at the top of the list? Maintain some contact , don't stress and be happy knowing he is happy too. Surely that is enough. Good luck.

Jaxjacky

I can only repeat what the others have said, this is the way it goes, our children are borrowed, then they’re out in the world.
A meal with them both, out or at your house, or just for a drink somewhere, keep it light.

Yes.

Phone once a week, take an interest in what he is doing and ask about his girlfriend and how she is too. Tell him what you and his Dad have been doing, don't make yourself sound needy.

We give them roots and wings and hope that one day they will fly 🙂

JojoW
Did you actually voice those words asking to be loved more
and ask him to take more interest in me and his dad
I have no words.

I can only repeat what the others have said, this is the way it goes, our children are borrowed, then they’re out in the world.
A meal with them both, out or at your house, or just for a drink somewhere, keep it light.

He has his own life now. As long as he keeps in contact a couple of times , say, each month, be happy for him., Try to make a date with him and his girlfriend every so often. Get a date in the diary.

Keep yourself busy and find things to occupy you.

That's sons for you daughters are different .

Sounds very normal and natural to me He’s 31 and moved to be with his girlfriend he’s actually late doing that. I wouldn’t worry what other people say and neither would I expect anything more from your son
Things aren’t breaking down it’s a totally natural part of life’s happenings His girlfriend, his job (presuming he has one) his home are his priority now
As long as you hear from him now and then and you know he’s happy that’s all parents can expect
It really does sound perfectly normal, build up your own life do some good things with your husband, it’s your time to have fun go away for a weekend have a holiday and for goodness sake don’t ever ask him to love you more or to take more interest in you, that’s really not how it works

Your son is living with his girlfriend and presumably works and has a social life, his time is probably taken up with all of this. Is hard to realise that our ACs lives sometimes don’t have room for us in the same way.
As for others having closer relationships with their ACs, the grass can always seem greener when we feel dissatisfied with something.
Try to concentrate on your life with your DH, look at what you both want to do with your own lives, keep occupied and show your son that you are getting on with things as well.
But in order to keep that important parent/son contact perhaps suggest taking himself and his girlfriend for a meal one weekend, them make this a thing, every other weekend or one weekend a month. Make it fun, and plan things to do, it doesn’t have to be a meal, and if he can’t make it anytime don’t fret, keep it light.