Relationship with son breaking down.

Floradora9

That's sons for you daughters are different .

Please don’t generalise like this.

We see my son once a week and have phone conversations nearly every day. On the other hand, my friend barely sees her two daughters, with one calling her twice a week at a set time and the other only calling when she remembers. The circumstances for all three of these AC is the same ie similar age, all working and living with partners and no children.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way—it’s clear how much you love your son and value your relationship. Perhaps gently letting him know how much you miss him, without pressure, could help. Maybe suggest a regular catch-up, like a monthly lunch or a call.

Adult kids often get caught up in their own lives, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. Small, consistent efforts to connect might help bridge the gap over time. Wishing you the best—it’s clear your love for him runs deep.

I think my question to you is, what, exactly does ‘being loved more’ or ‘taking more of an interest’ mean? What is it, specifically, that you feel is lacking?

The others are correct, relationships evolve, and parents shift from being main supporting characters to occasional guest roles in adult children’s lives. Priorities shift. Building a career, a relationship, a family of their own takes priority and the vast part of their waking hours.

But, you can certainly say, “hey, can we try and catch up once a week/every other week?” It’s a clear message, without the emotionally charged “I wish you loved me more.” I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t feel guilt tripped or feeling like they were being emotionally manipulated with a statement like that. (Not saying that you WOULD say that to your son, just an example)

Thank you all for taking time to reply.

I once read “ My children are the centre of my universe but I’m only on the periphery of theirs”
Think back to your own young adult life. You probably did not see a lot of your parents.
Like others have suggested, keep in touch with the odd meet up.Find new interests of your own.
Try not to think about friends with adult children living around the corner.Perhaps life not so rosy as it seems.

Three sons understand your dilemma just the hand that’s dealt when you have sons. Third son left exactly same dilemma as yours just keep going and plodding along you’ll be ok.

My son lves 5 minutes away from me. I haven't seen him since June, in the meantime I have paid for two new windows for him and his wife, he hasn't said thank you"

Cossy

We live in Essex, our elder two children live in Bristol and Herts with their partners and one has a child of almost 10.

We are lucky if we see them once a month, but we do have a family WhatsApp group and normally all touch base, via this, at least once a week.

Please don’t stress and worry about your situation, it does sound pretty normal.

Once a month is pretty good going Cossy.

I think many of us have children that we would like to see more but obviously as time goes by they have busy lives because of work and relationships. And many of us have children who do not live close by.
I'm not sure how long he has known his girlfriend, but you must remember how exciting the first few years of most relationships are, getting to know somebody and planning what to do with your life together.
I'm lucky to see more of my daughter now that she has children and I can offer her help as she has a full-time job, but I know that over time this may change - particularly if she meets a partner or decides to move house to somewhere larger and further away.
You've obviously both done a good job and your son is fully independent and happy in his own life. I'm sure that there will be stages in their lives when you might see them more, but in the meantime you can't force it.

I imagine he is very excited about living with his girlfriend.. and of course his priority is her now.. that is normal and good..
I would very occasionally ring him and suggest meeting them both for drinks or a meal, but don't push it... take this time to enjoy yourself with your OH.. he won't have forgotten you but his life is full of other activities..

I have three sons and we are close but not in each others pockets. As others have said, thirties are a busy time in people’s lives. Often wives and girlfriends organise leisure time and want to see their families and will arrange visits, men don’t in my experience, feel the need to do this but will go with the flow.

Don't make comparisons with other families- what may seem a good model for you now may well break down for them in the future.

Let him grow. My son has come back to live with me and I can't see him leaving anytime soon.

I know which scenario I would prefer.

It might be worth speaking to someone about how you’re feeling, like a family therapist.

You expectations about the relationship don’t seem realistic. Although he’s an adult he’s still your child and always will be. It’s not his job to make you feel more loved and you shouldn’t ask this of him.

Allira

*Relationship with son breaking down*

Your relationship with your son is probably not breaking down, it is evolving.

Could not have put this better, brilliant response and I agree

We live in Essex, our elder two children live in Bristol and Herts with their partners and one has a child of almost 10.

We are lucky if we see them once a month, but we do have a family WhatsApp group and normally all touch base, via this, at least once a week.

Please don’t stress and worry about your situation, it does sound pretty normal.

Floradora9

That's sons for you daughters are different .

No that is not a generic givenn

I agree with BlueBelle. All children are different regardless of sex. Be proud of your son you’ve done a good job. He feels confident enough to live away with his girlfriend he’s probably having a great time.
Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you both. Keep in contact with him but keep it light not at all needy.
If they ever have children you might find you’ll see more of them.

It feels perfectly normal to me to love my children more than they love me and not to impose on them. Being a demanding parent is a sure way to drive them away.

I agree with Allira. Relationships do evolve. My son used to ring me weekly but now he has a young baby he hasn’t got time. Whatever anyone says, boys are different. They are generally not as communicative as girls. You have not lost him. He is busy and probably doesn’t realise how the time flies. Men can be like that in my experience.

Relationship with son breaking down

Your relationship with your son is probably not breaking down, it is evolving.

There is a saying "Hold them tightly with loose hands". I took this to mean that your love for them will always be strong but you have to let them go. Parents need their adult children more than the children need their parents.
They will always love you but their busy independent lives take over and you may not see them as much.
Just feel proud that you have brought up a now independent young man.

My son is now so busy with his in laws as the grandad is ill and my dil had a new job which entails trips abroad regularly. By the time he works ,takes children to school and shops and cooks I rarely see him. However when I had a run of hospital appts and procedures he took me to all of them and was there in any emergency. Your son sounds normal.

Girls / boys makes no difference some stay nearby, most have been given the confidence to move away and lead their own lives
I left home to get married and moved to the other side of the world I loved my parents very very much but never gave it a thought when given the opportunity of adventure and a new exciting life with the man I adored, I came back twelve years later when life and husband wasnt so adorable. they were always there for me bless them

The best you can do is bring your children up to be strong independant people to make their own way in life THEN be there if things don’t go right otherwise expect nothing much

Your expectations are way over the top, open up your own life and enjoy it with your husband life is very very brief it really is

Your sons live is busy but that does not mean he does not love you. Try not to be needy as that will make visits and call tense for all. Be interested in what he is doing and continue to be supportive of him and his partner. Maybe book a weekend away for all of you so you can reconnect.

My advice???? Cut the apron strings, let him go and stop trying to smother him.
'Hold him back and lose him'